Because of the depth of the connection between us, it only takes one of us to make a change that both of us experience.

6 LOOK FORWARD

If your heart is large enough to envelop your adversaries, you can see right through them and avoid their attacks. And once you envelop them, you will be able to guide them along a path indicated to you by heaven and earth.

—Morihei Ueshiba, founder of aikido

Primary Purpose

Your purpose in the joint sessions is to build rapport, reinforce relationship, and redirect any remaining challenges toward resolution and problem-solving. At this point, we're looking forward to what the rebuilt relationship will look like and how it will be sustained.

Preparation

• Know the purpose and desired outcome for each joint session.
• Consider possible topics for each joint session.
• Read your notes from the previous session.
• Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.

Agenda

• Explain the purpose of the first joint session: to enjoy each other's company and get to know each other apart from the conflict.
• Explain the purpose and goals for subsequent joint sessions.
• Ask for any new developments since the last session.
• Discuss ways to prepare for the next joint session and set a date.
• Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
• Assign homework.

The Fun Part!

Here we are at the session many managers want to start with: bringing the parties together to resolve the conflict. And now, the parties are much more likely to make that happen. The joint sessions are a culmination and should be the fun part! Everything you've done up to this point—meeting individually, listening to each person's view of events, teaching skills, and helping your employees gain insight into their contributions—has led to this moment of bringing them together, feeling confident and prepared.

By now, both parties are likely weary of the conflict and ready to find a solution so they can get back to work with a new attitude. Each has a better understanding of the part they played in the conflict, and is eager to try out their new communication skills and mindset. This broader view will help both parties articulate what they've discovered and how they want to work together.

These joint meetings also provide opportunities for each to apologize where appropriate, to listen, and to talk about specific scenarios that have been problematic in the past and ways they will deal with them differently in the future.

If we're looking through the aikido lens, we have aligned and harnessed the parties' energy (through the individual sessions) and are preparing to redirect it toward resolution. As coach, my intention is clear: to help the parties stay safe while guiding any conflict energy toward shared purpose and joint problem-solving. As always: enter, blend, and redirect.

Is It Time?

How do you know when to move from individual to joint sessions? You'll know it's time when the parties seem eager to get on with it, they no longer appear fearful or anxious, and you see them practicing their new centering and communication skills in the workplace. One or two individual sessions may be enough, depending on the severity of the conflict and the parties' motivation to alter the dynamic.

Another gauge is your own sense of optimism. On a scale of 1 to 10, how optimistic are you that the joint meetings will yield a positive outcome; that the parties are ready to resolve their differences and look forward? If you're scoring 7 or higher, I'd say they're ready. And you can always go back to meeting individually.

Build Rapport: First Joint Session

The first of the joint sessions sets the tone for those to come. For that reason, this session deserves special thought and preparation. For example, I suggest you don't move into problem-solving in the first joint session, but rather use the time to build rapport and reinforce relationship. My experience supports holding this session in a neutral location away from the office. I like to take the parties to lunch at a nice restaurant that they'll both enjoy and that offers some privacy. We choose a date, and I ask them to select the restaurant and make a reservation.

Because the primary purpose of this session is to build connection by providing an occasion for the parties to enjoy themselves and talk about topics other than the conflict, I explain we can discuss anything except the problem at hand. I want the parties to get to know each other differently, and the focus to be on interests they have in common (for example, family, food, hobbies, and other topics they like talking about and that reinforce their humanity). You know the parties well enough to help guide the conversation, but try as much as possible to stay in the background.

Topics for the First Joint Meeting

When people talk about what they love, they lighten up. They begin to see each other differently: as human beings with many sides and, oftentimes, common interests. This first meeting is an opportunity to encourage these common interests to surface as well as build trust, respect, and safety. As the coach, you want the conversation to flow and are looking for easy subjects, such as:

• Family
• Movies
• Books
• Sports
• Holidays
• High points and special moments
• Passions and hobbies
• Favorite foods and restaurants
• How both parties came to do this work
• What they like about where they live
• Little known facts they feel like sharing
• A story that best exemplifies what they love about their work

I'm always amazed at how well these first meetings go. There's something about breaking bread together that brings out the best in people. Sometimes we make small talk the entire time, and that's fine. And sometimes an affinity develops and the conversation becomes more informal and personal, as the parties see they have more in common than they thought. This relational ease builds a foundation for future joint sessions and conversations back in the workplace.

Toward the end of the meal, set a date for the next joint session. Explain that it will be a working session in which the three of you will review the process to date and discuss how to apply the parties' new skills to the resolution of the conflict that initiated the coaching. If you offered a behavior or style inventory during the individual sessions, as outlined in Appendix B, ask the parties to review and bring these documents to the next joint session. Also, have both parties bring thoughts about how to proceed, ideas about what they've learned, and suggestions for how these ideas could be useful moving forward, plus any questions or other insights they want to bring to the table.

Practice

Lastly, ask: “What did you appreciate about the luncheon meeting, and how will you bring these qualities into your new workplace relationship?” (Note that you can also use this question to kick off the next joint session.)

Homework Examples

• Read “Choose to Cocreate” in The Magic of Conflict.
• Review behavior or style inventories (if applicable).
• Consider the following questions for the next meeting:
  • What skills will you bring to the next session to help facilitate the conversation?
  • What past situations would you like to resolve and how will you contribute to that happening?
  • What do you know now that will help you change your working dynamic for the better?
  • What questions do you have for your partner or about the coaching process?
  • Spend time visualizing how you want your new working relationship to look.

Key Points

• It's time to meet jointly when the parties seem eager to move forward and no longer appear fearful or anxious, and when you see them practicing their new skills in the workplace.
• The primary purpose of the joint sessions is to build rapport, reinforce relationship, and redirect any remaining challenges toward resolution and problem-solving.
• The joint meetings also provide opportunities for each party to apologize where appropriate, to listen, and to talk about specific scenarios that have been problematic in the past and ways to deal with them differently in the future.
• Hold the first joint session in a neutral place (such as a nice restaurant) and focus on what the parties have in common (such as family, food, hobbies, and other topics that reinforce common ground).

Sources

• The Magic of Conflict by Thomas Crum