Your goal is to use yourself intentionally as an instrument of influence in the process.

1 WORK ON YOURSELF ALONE

With life comes conflict. We must learn to joyfully dance on a shifting carpet.

—Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict

Primary Purpose

Working on yourself is ongoing, foundational, and critical to maintaining the presence, power, and purpose required of you as you help your employees regain balance and centered presence with each other. In this phase, you determine your motivation for learning how to facilitate conflicts on your team, knowing that your intention and clarity are important to the success of the intervention. You also develop and maintain a positive mindset and learning orientation toward what is to follow.

Preparation

Consider your purpose for beginning the intervention. Refer to Appendix A, “Before Action Review,” on pages 167–168 for help with this step.

  • Clarify your desired outcomes for each individual, yourself, and the organization.
  • Be aware of your assumptions, judgments, and concerns.
  • Be open to surprises.
  • Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.

Agenda

  • A Positive Mindset
  • Centered Presence
  • Personal Power
  • Clarity of Purpose
  • Practices and Attitudes to Maximize Presence, Power, and Purpose
  • Practices and Attitudes Detrimental to the Process
  • Before You Engage
  • Understand the Process

I was hired by a multidisciplinary healthcare practice to help three physicians resolve an organizational conflict. Because of his reputation as a dominating, perfectionistic figure, I entered my first meeting with Douglas, the lead physician, with some trepidation. The purpose of this session was to show Douglas the results of the 360-Degree Conflict Dynamics Profile he had recently completed.

To make sure I was prepared, I studied the results of his profile carefully and thought through how I would present the data, some of which I was fairly sure he would not agree with or want to hear. Working on myself alone, I also took a moment to envision a productive session, reminding myself to center periodically, keep a positive mindset, and be prepared for anything. Sure enough, I arrived at our scheduled time and ended up waiting forty minutes before Douglas called me in.

I said hello. Douglas did not reply. In his office, there was a desk and one chair–his. A couch stood perpendicular to and across the room from the desk. As he sat down, he directed his body toward the desk and away from me. I asked if we could sit so he could see the materials. He waved his hand, indicating that things were fine as they were.

This fascinating beginning seemed filled with breeches of professional courtesy. Here I was, asked to make a presentation to someone who seemed only remotely interested in the content. By his conscious or unconscious design, his behavior communicated that he held the power, that my report and I were meaningless intrusions on a busy day, and that the sooner this was over, the sooner he could get back to important items on his agenda.

I realized that to do the job for which I was hired, I had to take charge of the environment in a more purposeful way. I took a conscious breath and thought about aikido and how I might align with Douglas's energy.

I stated what I thought I was there to do and asked if he saw things in a similar way. (Yes, he did. Excellent.) I explained that it was important for him to be able to see the data in the report and follow along. I opened the door to his office, found a chair in the hall, carried it over to his desk, and positioned it so we were now side by side.

Next, I invited his energy with open-ended questions. What did he think was the purpose for our session? What would be his ideal outcome? Which parts of the instrument interested him most?

Gradually, by remaining centered, curious, nonjudgmental, and true to purpose, I began to redirect Douglas toward being my ally in attempting to solve a problem. Little by little, Douglas joined me in that endeavor. He saw I was not there to expose or criticize, but to support him.

It was a valuable learning experience in the ways we can shape relationships by the way we show up.

A Positive Mindset

No one learns as much about a subject as one who is forced to teach it.

— Peter F. Drucker

Research shows that a manager's attitude toward a conflict is crucial to how the impasse is resolved. In 2016, the International Journal of Conflict Management cited an Australian study of 401 employees in sixty-nine work groups. The study was designed to investigate what happens when a third-party supervisor intervenes to help manage a conflict. In cases where employees had a supervisor with a positive conflict-management style (CMS) the result was reduced anxiety, depression, and bullying. In addition, researchers discovered a strong connection between a positive CMS and a decrease in the number of times employees thought about filing a workers' compensation claim.

Especially in situations with a lot of history and high emotion, before you can successfully guide others through a conflict, you must first examine your own attitude, emotions, and beliefs around what is possible and understand what your role is in bringing out those possibilities.

I call this way of self-reflecting “working on yourself alone,” a concept from the writings of Arnold and Amy Mindell, founders of the Process Work approach to resolving conflict.

“Working on myself alone” means observing the mindset with which I come into the process of resolving a conflict. For example, what judgments might I have made about Douglas when I first entered the room with him? I could have seen him as trying to diminish me and devalue my attempts at support. Instead, I changed my mindset to appreciate his unfamiliarity with this process, which increased my ability to redirect his behavior by helping him understand the process.

As you begin to work with your employees, are you looking forward to supporting them? What judgments are you making? What is your attitude toward each one?

The skill- and rapport-building sessions that you conduct with the parties involved in the conflict offer continuous opportunities to notice your beliefs, assumptions, and emotions. Who you are and how you choose to be present with the parties help determine the success of the endeavor. Your goal is to use yourself intentionally as an instrument of influence in the process. If you become uncentered at any point—for example, by losing your composure or becoming emotionally triggered—it's important that you find your way back. By training yourself to notice your own anger, judgment, blame, and premature conclusions, you can learn to let them go and return to supporting the parties and the process.

Knowing about the ways in which my presence can affect the process, I continually cultivate an awareness of my own physical and mental behavior as I lead an intervention. By lead, I don't mean control. I ask honest, open-ended questions, listen nonjudgmentally, stay centered and curious, and always keep purpose in mind. I smile a lot. I work to minimize nervousness, fear, and judgment in the room, and I find things I like and appreciate in each of the parties.

My posture, demeanor, eye contact, and even the way I walk into the room speak volumes. As I learned with Douglas, my belief in whether this is a learning experience with a positive outcome or a situation fraught with challenge is communicated before I say a word. Consequently, I look for positive benefits and believe in the learning that will take place. I can't pretend. I have to truly believe the intervention benefits the parties involved and that I am a supportive factor in facilitating the resolution of the conflict. My mindset is a principal ally throughout this process, as it is in life.

Mirror Neurons

In the last part of the twentieth century, scientists discovered neurons in the human brain that mimic the actions and emotions of those around us. For example, when one person's face reflects frustration, the neurons identified with those facial movements also fire in an observer's brain, eliciting similar emotions. For this reason, these neurons were named “mirror neurons.” In the Harvard Business Review's “Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership,” Daniel Goleman and Richard Boyatzis write: “When we consciously or unconsciously detect someone else's emotions through their actions, our mirror neurons reproduce those emotions. Collectively, these neurons create an instant sense of shared experience.”

In one of the more amazing studies referenced by Goleman and Boyatzis, a group of employees received positive feedback from a leader who exhibited negative emotions (narrowed eyes, frowning) during the feedback session. Even though the feedback was positive, these employees reported feeling worse about their performance than employees who received negative feedback given with a positive affect (head nodding, smiles).

Clearly, the way in which the message is delivered has more impact than the message itself.

Presence, Power, and Purpose

As you work on yourself alone, there are three nonverbal qualities you bring with you at every phase of the process:

  1. Your centered presence
  2. Your personal power
  3. Your clarity of purpose

As we go forward, these three qualities help you manage your mindset and behavior. They are your guides when questions arise and decisions are made. When you feel you've lost your way, let these qualities bring you back to where you need to be. The steps in this process are not as important as how you enact the steps, and my practice in aikido informs how I understand and embody these qualities.

Centered Presence

Underlying and connecting all aspects of the aikido-conflict metaphor is the ability to direct our life energy consciously and intentionally. Call it what you will—self-control, composure, mindfulness—your ability to manage you is where it all begins. On the aikido mat, when the attack comes, we learn to “center and extend ki.” (Remember: Ki is the Japanese word for “energy” or “universal life force.”) To be centered in this sense means to be balanced, calm, and connected to an inner source of power. In life as in aikido, when you're centered, you are more effective, capable, and in control.

When you center and extend ki, you increase your ability to influence your environment and your relationships. An awareness of how you are managing your energy is vital in helping others manage conflict.

Personal Power

In your role as manager, parent, partner, or workmate, have you noticed how you influence a conversation by your presence in it? We are always influencing because we're always giving and receiving energy. When you enter the room, the energy in that room changes. The more intentional you can be with your energy—by purposefully extending your ki—the more influence you have in the outcome of events. In other words, by observing and drawing on your personal power—your ki—you enhance your ability to bring about your stated purpose.

Aikido Off the Mat: Personal Power and Intentionality

As you coach your conflicted employees, apply your growing awareness of centered presence and personal power as follows.

Before each session, whether individual or joint, do a mental assessment: Are you worried things will go badly, or are you planning for them to go well?

Your primary job is to believe with confidence that the outcome is not predetermined, and that the conflict is actually potential energy you and your employees can harness toward a positive result. This is where your power lies.

More than likely, the employee is nervous and worried. If you enter the session with fear, judgment, or tension, you're setting the stage for an unhappy outcome. If, on the other hand, you approach the conversation with an optimistic, hopeful mindset, you foster more of the same. When you offer assurances that the individual can benefit from the process and be able to make the necessary changes, you encourage trust.

If you don't have this positive mindset, you must reexamine your purpose and work on yourself to find the mindset you need. Or, alternatively, you can call on another party to manage the intervention.

Clarity of Purpose

As you move toward intervention, consider your purpose for doing so. Some purposes are more useful than others. From the following list, choose the ones you think are useful and the ones you think might not be.

  • Help the parties learn that conflict can lead to greater understanding of each other as well as a more productive and positive workplace.
  • Make sure these people get over their difficulty and stop acting out.
  • Change the relationship in any way I can.
  • Help the parties see and maximize what they have in common as well as leverage their differences.
  • Get through this situation as quickly as possible.

You may laugh at some of these examples, but purposes can be hidden. For example, I may think my purpose is to communicate a difference of opinion, but hidden in the background is an intention to make sure you know how angry I am. Or I may say I want to help the parties use the conflict to learn about each other and create a more positive workplace, but my actions say I just want to get through this and move on to more important things.

What do you really want for yourself, the parties involved, and the organization? What is your highest and best purpose? Continually clarify your purpose, and keep it at the forefront of each session you conduct.

Practices and Attitudes to Maximize Presence, Power, and Purpose

Bringing the three qualities of centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose to a conflict situation is easier said than done. Conflict usually robs us of all three, as we struggle to do the right thing, find the perfect answer, and maintain psychological safety and equilibrium.

Fortunately, conflict can also provide the perfect crucible to practice bringing these vital qualities to any situation. On the following pages, I discuss ways of acting and being that I've discovered add to my power and presence as well as help me return to purpose when things get difficult.

1. Reframing

In aikido, it's often said that the opponent's attack is a gift of energy. At first glance, it is difficult to imagine conflict or aggression as a gift. In many cases, I would rather not have to deal with a problem. Nevertheless, it is present and taking up mental space. The question becomes: Should I waste valuable life energy (ki) wishing it away, or should I turn it into a positive force?

After many years of practicing and teaching aikido, and applying its principles in the workplace, I've found that things change dramatically when I reframe an attack as incoming energy that can be guided toward a mutually supportive outcome. In aikido, my goal is to keep myself safe while supporting my opponent-partner. Regardless of my partner's intention, mine is clear: I intend to disarm without harming and guide the energy toward a mutual purpose (the key word here is “mutual”). Enter, blend, and redirect. The spirit in which the coaching is entered into makes a huge difference.

When dealing with your employee conflict, you can use the conflict energy to reframe the problem in the following way.

This conflict is an opportunity for both parties:

  • To change their relationship for the better.
  • To learn valuable work and life skills.
  • To see each other's positive aspects.
  • To step into leadership roles and model conflict competency in the organization.
  • To solve problems together using their differences as assets.

All of these statements could also be useful purposes for your intervention.

2. Possibility

When coaching people in conflict, I ask what possibilities exist for each of the participants as well as how the resolution affects the larger team and organization. Although you may be working with just two people, a positive change in their relationship can create constructive waves throughout the system. For example, dialogue may flow more freely between all team members when the logjam of this particular relationship is cleared. Time and energy previously claimed by the conflict is released and freed up for the people and processes that need them.

It's the coach's role to help everyone see how a positive outcome liberates untapped potential—for the parties in the conflict and for others. Wherever possible, I recommend documenting drained resources, reduced momentum, and other hidden or indirect costs that are likely to improve when the conflict is resolved.

When John joined Taylor's department in their company's regional production center, they somehow got off on the wrong foot. Their work stalled, productivity suffered, and their teammates first avoided the conflict then polarized around it.

I worked with John and Taylor individually for three months, helping them to build skills and see each other differently. Then, the three of us held several joint sessions. We discussed behaviors that had caused difficulty, and worked through how John and Taylor would manage their interactions going forward. Last, we brought the rest of the team into the conversation by being transparent about the process and inviting them to support John and Taylor in their new relationship.

When I later followed up with the manager, she reported that teamwork became more relaxed, easy, and open as the men freed themselves from the conflict that had immobilized everyone.

3. Non-Judgment

When you coach, if at any point you start to draw conclusions about which party is right and which is wrong, it becomes difficult to do your job effectively. If you judge one of the parties as the problem, it will be hard for you to see their positive intent. And you may miss constructive actions or recast neutral behaviors in unhelpful ways.

As human beings, we are practiced at forming judgments about everything, and we're usually unaware we're doing it. For example, if I have a workshop to give and there's a blizzard raging, I automatically judge this as a bad thing. When I make this assessment, my body tenses, my mood deteriorates, and I become angry. This doesn't change the weather—it is what it is. I still have to decide what action to take. Do I cancel the workshop or continue as planned? Seeing the weather as a neutral event reduces my stress level, saves time, and improves my ability to make a wise decision.

Aikido Off the Mat: The Practice of Non-Judgment

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As you work on yourself alone, you can apply the aikido principles of entering, blending, and redirecting to the practice of nonjudgment with increasing inner awareness.

The first step is to enter—to notice that you're judging and witness your judging mind at work. Then blend or align with the judgment; determine if it's accurate, helpful, or useful. Regardless of its accuracy, judgment hampers your ability to facilitate the process. Instead, redirect your mind toward curiosity and openness. Think about what skills each party needs and how they can attain them.

The power of non-judgment becomes clear when you see others changed by it. As they learn non-judgment from you, the individuals in a coaching process become more open to each other and more willing to entertain each other's positive intent. People begin to see themselves and others as more generous, kind, and forgiving.

I have a colleague who models non-judgment extremely well. She's a great listener who seldom offers advice, instead preferring to ask questions that promote reflection. In one case, she was coaching two women who had been workplace adversaries for a long time. With my colleague's help, they eventually found a new way to interact. A few weeks after the coaching process ended, one of the women reported back to my colleague: “I don't know what you did to us, but I've hated her for ten years, and I actually like her now.”

What my colleague did was to listen without judgment until two women felt fully heard. The power of non-judgment is tangible and communicable.

4. Curiosity and Inquiry

More than anything else, a mindset of curiosity and inquiry empowers you and keeps your conversations safe and on track. When the atmosphere in an intervention becomes charged with emotion, I practice using the aikido principles of entering, blending, and redirecting by asking open-ended questions, such as:

  • “How did you feel when that happened?”
  • “What were you hoping for?”
  • “What do you think your coworker's intention was?”
  • “What was your intention?”

A previous client of mine—while technically savvy and an outstanding leader in a Fortune 100 company—found it difficult to practice curiosity and was easily triggered by behavior she considered irritating. In one session, we talked about a colleague's email etiquette. The colleague's penchant for copying a long list of people on every email angered my client, particularly when the email reflected poorly on the department. During one practice session, I asked the client to devise questions she could ask her colleague to understand the intent behind copying so many people. One question she came up with was, “Why did you copy everyone on that email?”

The content of the question was fine, but as we role-played asking it, my client sounded confrontational. I asked if she noticed the tone of her delivery (she did) and what would have to change for her to ask the question in an open, curious way. She answered, smiling, “I'd actually have to be curious.” We both laughed as she absorbed the “aha moment.” It's not what we say, but whether we're curious or judging when we say it.

When you feel judgmental, shift your mindset. Get curious. Ponder. Wonder. The more you practice this important skill, the more you'll learn about each person's perspective. And the more you model it for others, the more you encourage their curiosity.

5. Appreciation

Appreciative Inquiry is another example of aikido in the workplace, one that maximizes the power of noticing what is already working rather than focusing on what is broken. Since David Cooperrider introduced the concept in 1987, organizations and individuals have been using Appreciative Inquiry to solve problems and imagine what could be. Practitioners have learned that as soon as you align with the positive, you gain energy and move toward a compelling future.

A concrete example of Appreciative Inquiry happens every time a beginner learns a new technique on the aikido mat. Invariably, the new technique is easier to do on one side of the body than the other. Instead of trying to fix the “bad” side, the instructor tells the student to focus on the “good” side (the side that can do the technique effortlessly). Since that side knows how to do it, aikido instructors say to “let the good side teach the other side.”

In my coaching interventions, I encourage people to appreciate what's positive and learn from it. For example, when coaching Douglas and his colleagues at their health-care practice, I learned there were often times when the team collaborated without conflict. I inquired what it was about these situations that allowed the team to work together harmoniously. At first they weren't sure, but with some reflection, it came to light that when things flowed more easily, the teammates were clear on their roles and the purpose for the endeavor. Ah! Clarity of roles and goals! We began to investigate how the team could be clearer about roles and goals in other situations.

When you help your employees focus on the good, you reinforce their strengths, knowledge, and positive attributes. When they find the areas in which they work well together, coworkers can apply that awareness to areas in which they have difficulty. Setbacks, too, are part of the process and teach us what needs to happen next. Throughout the coaching, whether you're reinforcing strengths or acknowledging a challenging setback, you can appreciate the employees' commitment as they build a new relationship and a foundation for solving future problems.

Practices and Attitudes that Are Detrimental to the Process

Harried, overworked, and overwhelmed as we are, we often experience our students, patients, clients, colleagues, and children as difficult, irresponsible, rude, dull, or simply too numerous to keep track of. But if we mean to choose the world, we must see God in the people who come under our care. That is, we must see them as at bottom no different from ourselves.

—Philip Simmons, Learning to Fall

Just as certain practices and mindsets promote success in managing conflict, others can derail the process. Have you ever found yourself uttering the following phrases—or thinking them? I know I have. Consider the phrases and their antidotes.

This is not my job.

This is exactly your job. As a supervisor, manager, owner, or CEO, you are a leader—and leaders lead. You show the way. You model. You put forth a vision and invite others to join in.

This is why it's vital to manage your attitude for maximum power and presence, and to keep your purpose in mind. If you don't feel ready to lead in this way, consider calling in someone else you believe is right for the job.

I don't have the skills to do this.

This may be true. If so, this is a great opportunity for you to learn the skills to become a more effective, respected, and responsible manager. Through your learning, you will increase trust and build influence with your team.

This will take too much time.

Even when you know the importance of actively addressing workplace conflict, you may wonder where to find the time. Ask yourself:

  • How much is the conflict costing in wasted hours, lost or unhappy staff and/or customers, and stifled creativity?
  • Are you waking up at night wondering what to do?
  • Do you avoid certain meetings because of the conflict?
  • Is the tension affecting others?
  • Does the conflict limit the team's ability to accomplish goals?

Whatever time the process takes will be less than the time you, your customers, and your company lose in reduced productivity and goodwill. In my experience, it takes more time not to resolve conflict than to address it.

They should just rise above it.

I've heard this phrase too many times to count; your staff would if they could.

I recently conducted a series of coaching sessions with two employees of a food manufacturing company. As I met with the employees individually, they each told me that when they asked their manager for help, he suggested they “just rise above it.” They said they tried, but they didn't know how. Just being in each other's presence was enough to shut down conversation and workflow.

If your employees could make wiser choices, they would. It helps the process immeasurably when you believe your employees are doing the best they can with the skills they have and help them acquire the skills they currently lack.

What's wrong with these people?!

Ask instead: “What do they need to help them through this?” “What are they blind to?” “How can I help them see what they're missing?”

They're mean, disrespectful, and hurtful.

They're unskilled.

When you reframe negative intent as a need for skill-building, you shift from judge to coach. You also see what the people in conflict really want (recognition, support, autonomy, and inclusion) and how their (sometimes misguided) attempts to achieve these goals have an unexpected, negative impact. Being able to reframe the situation also means you can help your team get where they want to go more effectively.

In the aikido school I founded, Sam practiced with us for a number of years. In the beginning, no one liked seeing him in class. He usually came in late, during pre-class meditation time, when the rest of us were sitting quietly on the mat. Sam would enter, drop his large key ring noisily on a chair, sigh or make some other attention-grabbing sound, and after much ado, finally bow onto the mat and join us. Another of Sam's regrettable habits was to insinuate his way into private conversations. He was not well liked, and yet he came to every class and seemed committed to learning aikido.

I let things go for a while, not knowing what to do (“This is not my job!”) and harboring my own judgments about Sam (“What's wrong with this person?! He's so disrespectful!”).

In time, I realized it was my job. I was the chief instructor and owner of the school. If I didn't address this difficult situation, the class environment would deteriorate. I also changed my story about Sam. Instead of seeing only a disruptive influence, I imagined a more positive intention. Maybe he was seeking attention and just wanted to fit in. So I gave Sam some attention in the form of a brief conversation after class one day. I explained the impact of his behavior on the other students, while also appreciating his commitment to learning aikido. He took it well, and told me he had no idea he was so noisy and didn't mean to be disrespectful. He only wanted to make new friends. Unfortunately, he was going about it in all the wrong ways, leaving a wide gap between intent and impact. After our conversation, he made an effort to fit in differently, and his relationships improved.

Before You Engage

To give yourself the best chance at success as you begin to engage with the parties in conflict, answer the following questions. Continually hold them in your awareness for each session, but especially for the initial meeting.

What is the purpose of the intervention? What do I really want—for each individual, for the relationship, and for the organization?

Imagine the ideal outcome for the intervention, and the ease and flow of each day once this difficulty has been resolved. How will the individuals interact, and how will the team and organization reflect the shift? The clearer and more detailed the vision, the more likely it will come to be.

Am I contributing to the problem?

Your actions may have unknowingly helped the situation develop. For example, have you avoided talking with the parties? Have you fallen victim to one or more of the detrimental attitudes listed earlier in this section? It's only human nature to hope people will “rise above it,” to think you “don't have the skills,” or to worry this course of action will take “too much time.”

Once you determine your contribution to the conflict, you can more clearly see how you can help resolve it.

What actions have I already taken that have helped or hindered?

Review the conversations you've had with each party prior to the session. What went well? Looking forward, what will you do differently?

What is the best alternative to a successful resolution of the conflict?

If the parties are unable to reach an amicable way to work together and take their relationship to the next level, what is Plan B? How will you implement it? Is this alternative something you will share with the participants or hold in reserve?

Understand the Process

What you're about to undertake is a process of coaching, facilitation, and conflict resolution. It requires time, energy, and commitment.

Your greatest asset is the quality of your being: centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose. Everything else is secondary. Your influence originates in your attitude, thoughts, posture, and breath. When you pause for reflection, so does everyone else. When you shift from certainty to curiosity—and from judgment to appreciation—others also relax and become more centered. The change in energy is palpable and profound.

If you believe in the process and your people, you will lead them to a satisfying conclusion.

Key Points

  • Working on yourself is ongoing and foundational for you to help your employees come to center.
  • Centered presence, personal power, and clarity of purpose are integral to every phase of the conflict resolution process.
  • Underlying and connecting all aspects of the aikido-conflict metaphor is the ability to direct your life energy in a conscious and purposeful way.
  • It is necessary to clarify your purpose for the intervention and to keep this purpose at the forefront of each session.
  • Certain attitudes maximize presence, power, and purpose. Conversely, there are attitudes that are detrimental to the process.

Sources

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