Helping your employees adopt the concept that conflict is neutral—and that it's up to each of us to find the gift in conflict—helps the conflict resolution process immeasurably and provides a foundational metaphor for your work.

3 MEASURE WILLINGNESS AND ABILITY

When we take responsibility for our own behavior,
we also regain control of our lives.

—Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler,
Crucial Conversations

Primary Purpose

In the first individual session, in which you meet with each person for the first time, your purpose is to discover whether the parties have the ability to change and are willing to commit to the process you will describe to them. Specifically, you are seeking to determine if they will try to understand the other's point of view, have an intention to resolve their differences, and commit to building a more harmonious working relationship.

Preparation

Know the purpose of the intervention. Be clear about what you want for each individual, for the relationship, and for the organization.

  • Determine how you will measure each individual's commitment.
  • Determine how you will measure each individual's ability to learn and change.
  • Document what you already know about the parties' ability to change.
  • Enter with optimism for a positive outcome.

Agenda

  • Come prepared with a focus for the session.
  • Express gratitude that this person agreed to meet with you to discuss the current situation.
  • Build rapport.
  • Explain the process you're asking them to engage in to resolve the conflict with a coworker and your role in helping them.
  • Listen to their story.
  • Measure their willingness.
  • Estimate their ability.
  • Discuss ways to prepare for the next session and set a date.
  • Take notes and send them in a follow-up email after the session.
  • Assign homework.

When I first met Lauren and Susan, they had been in conflict for more than two years. The presence of one was enough to trigger feelings of anger and frustration in the other. Although they initially had an easy working relationship, it deteriorated quickly due to style differences, and as their interpersonal dynamics worsened, their view of the other went from irritation to obstacle, and finally, the enemy. But they had this in common: They were each extremely skeptical of the process. During their first individual coaching sessions, they each told me they believed there was no way things could change for the better.

Everything I do serves the goal of partnering and aligning with the people I work with. For example, I talked with Lauren and Susan separately by phone to briefly explain the process and set up times when I could meet with each one individually. In each case, I arrived first and arranged the room so we were seated either side by side or at the corner of a table and not across from each other. At the start of the session, I smiled, shook hands, and showed each person I was genuinely happy to see her. I could sense each woman's hesitation and frustration about engaging in this process as well as her anxiety about being asked to move beyond her comfort zone. I set about putting each at ease with an open, positive demeanor. I wanted each to feel I was at their disposal and all would be well.

At my meeting with each woman, I described the process more fully, answered questions, and shared how she and I would work together. I explained we would meet by ourselves for a few sessions, and eventually all three of us would come together to plan how they would work together in the future. I assured each woman that soon she would feel differently about the other and that the joint sessions would be easier than could be imagined now.

Interestingly, each woman admitted that she wanted the situation to change but didn't think it was even a remote possibility. When I asked each to rate on a scale of 1 to 10 how likely it was they would find a way to work together amicably, their individual answers were 0 and 1. When asked to use the same scale to gauge how important they thought it was for them to resolve this conflict in order to work together and accomplish what they needed to do each day, each said 10. When I asked if each woman was willing to engage in the process and got a “yes” from both, I saw they were committed to giving it their best.

Based on our initial conversation and interviews with their manager, I could tell Lauren and Susan had the capacity to stay the course. We were off to a good start.

Assess Willingness to Commit

One of the things I realized in early one-on-one coaching experiences is that if the parties are not motivated to change, they won't. I would talk benefits, teach skills, and offer experiences for practical applications, but nothing would sink in. Sometimes people's disdain at having to go through the coaching was evident. Other times, the individuals were better actors and pretended to be involved. I became more intuitive about knowing when my efforts were wasted. Eventually, I built a clause into my coaching agreements stating that if, during the course of the work, I concluded for any reason that coaching was not the best use of our time, I would report this to the person who hired me and we would decide how to proceed. I had come to realize that a willing attitude determined 90 percent of the outcome.

Have you ever tried to resolve a conflict that one of the parties did not want to resolve? Recall one where you didn't want to reach resolution. Perhaps you acted as if you wanted to resolve it and said all the right things, such as, “Let's talk and find a way to move forward” and “I know we can work this out.” Perhaps you asked questions and did your best to adopt an inquiring stance, saying things like, “Please tell me how you see it.” But nothing seemed to change, because you weren't really interested in resolution if it meant you had to change—and consequently, you didn't commit fully to the process.

In conflict situations, it takes an internal shift to no longer see the other person as the source of the problem. And it takes a strong sense of purpose to consider alternatives to blame and justification. It's difficult to resolve issues when you don't want to do these things. Most of us would rather prove a point, hear an apology, or have our opinion acknowledged in some way.

Your employees may well be struggling with the same resistance to seeing themselves as part of the problem, and they have the same need for validation and support. What would encourage them to resolve their conflict? Why would they want to? What's in it for them?

WIIFM

Are you familiar with the world's most popular radio station: WIIFM—What's In It For Me? When you're tuned to this internal channel, you're fixated on questions such as:

  • “Why should I work this out?”
  • “How will my job or my life be better, easier, and more enjoyable?”
  • “Why should I go through the hassle, heartache, and headache of talking about a situation I'd rather not deal with and struggling to get along with a person I'd rather avoid?”
  • “What will happen if I do listen to the other person?”
  • “What will happen if I don't?”
  • “Do I trust my manager to help?”
  • “Do I trust myself to be able to do what may be asked of me?”
  • “Am I willing to commit to the process?”
  • “Do I trust the other's sincerity and commitment?”
  • “What if the situation gets worse?”
  • “What if we are able to resolve our issues? What would that look like? What if we're not?”

Your employee wants to be able to answer these questions, too. When you can help your people address these kinds of issues, the conflict is headed toward resolution.

Shift from Resistance to Connection

If you really want to rediscover wonder, you need to step outside of that tiny, terrified space of rightness and look around at each other and look out at the vastness and complexity and mystery of the universe and be able to say, “Wow, I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

—Kathryn Schulz, “On Being Wrong,” TED Talk

We often hear it said that we cannot control others, and for the most part, that is true. We cannot force others to be the way we want them to be. But, because we are in relationship with them, because we're connected, they will be affected by our choice to breathe and become more centered.

—Judy Ringer, Unlikely Teachers

Humans can be stubborn. We resist change because we think it means something about us is wrong, and we don't like to be wrong. As much as we want to resolve conflict and create a life and workplace that is comfortable and productive, there are obstacles and hidden objectives:

  • When the choice seems to be about being right or wrong, I prefer being right.
  • If working on the conflict means looking at my contribution to it, I'd rather take a pass.
  • Although resolution might make life easier, there are benefits to the status quo that I've identified with. For example, I feel superior in my “rightness” or I like playing the victim card.

In the aikido metaphor and in actual practice, the aikidoist learns quickly that the feeling of resistance from my partner equates with ineffective technique—I'm doing something wrong. When aikido is done well, it flows. My partner gives energy, and I receive it; then I give and he receives. Power transfers back and forth in an effortless flow.

This back-and-forth with a partner feels great and is what aikido is all about. But it doesn't always happen. Sometimes I partner with someone who is tense or resistant, making the technique more difficult than it needs to be. It's normal to tighten up in the presence of an attack. What's interesting is that the more my partner stiffens, the tighter I become, especially as I attempt to “correct” him. “He's not falling right! If he'd only loosen up a little, he could feel what I want him to do! Oh, he'll never get it. He's just too tight!”

When I notice that I'm becoming tense in response to my partner, I'm forced to ask if my partner's tension is actually in response to me. What if he thinks I'm resistant? In life off the mat, for example, have you ever complained about someone to a friend, saying, “I can't believe how defensive he is. All I get is pushback!” You learn quickly in aikido that resistance doesn't cause itself. Perhaps the person you're complaining about is saying the same about you!

The good news is, if I relax, my partner will, too. Because of the depth of the connection between us, it only takes one of us to make a change that both of us experience.

In the workplace, the physical tension of conflict is less obvious but it's there nonetheless. If I need to be right, my conflict partner will most likely also want to be right. The more I try to prove my point, the harder they push back. This kind of resistance manifests in the workplace as heated arguments, emotional outbursts, and verbal attacks, as well as unreturned emails, unfinished projects, negativity, duplicity, justification (“They're the problem; I'm doing everything I can!”), avoidance (“No, really, everything is fine”), and other forms of passive aggression.

Brain Science

We receive so much internal and external reinforcement for being on the right side of an issue that we do almost anything to stay there. In her book Conversational Intelligence, Judith Glaser shares compelling research showing that when we win an argument, our brain releases feel-good chemicals, such as adrenaline and dopamine. We can become addicted to this feeling and actually seek out conflict because when we win, we feel content, glad, and cheerful.

Fortunately, the brain also releases oxytocin, another feel-good chemical that is associated with human connection. We can leverage this feeling state by listening to, acknowledging, and having empathy for others. Likewise, the more we are listened to and have our words acknowledged, the more we feel liked and trusted and want to offer these feelings in return.

So, how do you help your people see the addiction to being right for what it is, and encourage them to move toward relationship, empathy, and acknowledgment—even in situations when that person is right? How do you support your employees in moving from resistance to connection?

One way is to help people in conflict understand how the current situation developed and how, by resolving it, they can have a future that's more satisfying, powerful, and advantageous to their careers. The individual sessions are designed to do exactly this. First, however, we need to find out if the parties are willing to commit and have the ability to change.

Resistant Versus Connecting Language

The key ingredient to a successful outcome in our coaching process is the willingness of the parties to fully engage. Unwillingness is a non-starter.

This commitment can be difficult to assess for a number of reasons: The parties may appear willing in order to please management. They may also hope that, as the process unfolds, management discovers the other party is at fault. Although these aren't the best reasons to enter into the process, each offers a place to start. As you go along, you can determine if the parties are willing to commit beyond appearances and the false hope of not having to change themselves.

In conflict, the predominant story people hold is that everything would be great if the other person were different. It's crucial to begin early on to help the parties understand the error inherent in this thinking and construct a new narrative.

When our well-being is dependent on someone else behaving in a certain way, our focus is outward and our actions are contingent on things we have no control over. In this circumstance, we inadvertently lose power and waste energy.

In aikido, we learn this concept in physical ways. For example, when my partner won't move, I may try to force him by pushing or pulling, which only increases his resistance and the potential for injury. The harder I push, the harder my partner pushes back.

Instead of trying to force my partner to move, I can locate the source of the push, move myself out of the way, and then blend with and redirect the push energy. Now, there's no resistance because I'm no longer there to push against. By moving, I change resistance into connection.

The act of moving myself instead of forcing another is just as counterintuitive on the mat as it is in life. It feels as if I'm giving away an advantage, whereas the opposite is true. It takes practice to understand how much we gain when we learn to move our position in order to see more clearly.

In life, I “move myself” when I invite my conflict partner to tell me more about his or her thinking on a topic that I feel very differently about. Resistance sounds like, “Yeah, but . . .” or “No, you don't understand.” Connection sounds like, “Can you say more about your thinking on this?” Ask yourself: What kind of language is more likely to solve the problem?

Examples of Resistant Versus Connecting Language

Image

As their coach, I invite the parties to understand this concept of “push equals pushback” every time they start to blame someone else. I bring them back to the fact that the only power they have is within themselves—their mindset, their actions, and their ability to change. I suggest they see fault, blame, and justification as indications that they're weakening their position. In essence, we maintain control of our choices and actions by giving up the false notion of control we think we have over the other.

In Chapter 5, the Aikido Off the Mat: Tenkan exercise helps the parties physically experience and integrate this concept. As the parties step away from the need to control through blame and justification, they free up energy and understand the conflict from a broader perspective.

Aikido Off the Mat: Conflict as a Gift

A key belief and teaching in conflict resolution is that conflict can be useful—an opportunity to learn, grow, and gain a new perspective on something. As author and aikidoist Thomas Crum writes, “Conflict just is. It's what we do with it that makes the difference.” If we decide it will be terrible, it will. If we choose a mindset of learning and fascination, we encounter less stress and more fascination. If we think of the other person as an adversary, we contribute in subtle and not so subtle ways to sustaining an adversarial relationship. If we think, “Wow, thank you very much!” and start looking for the gift, we eventually find it.

Kurt Vonnegut uses the phrase “wrang-wrangs” to describe great teachers who are placed in our life disguised as difficult people. “Wrang-wrangs” are placed there on purpose, he says, to teach us important lessons.

In aikido, when we refer to the attack as a “gift of energy,” we change the locus of power from the attacker (“Oh no! He's coming for me!”) to the receiver (“Ah, yes. Energy I can use!”). When we imagine the possibility of this energy as a gift, we change from being fearful to being curious, which is the mindset connected to growth and learning. Helping your employees adopt the concept that conflict is neutral—and that it's up to each of us to find the gift in conflict—helps the conflict resolution process immeasurably and provides a foundational metaphor for your work.

What to Watch For

I'm usually able to determine each person's motivation and willingness to change in my first session with them. For example, I watch non-verbal communication. Is the person:

  • Smiling or frowning?
  • Nodding or looking away?
  • Listening or ignoring me?
  • Engaged or bored?
  • Sustaining eye contact or appearing distracted?

I also notice if the person:

  • Asks questions that show interest and understanding.
  • Shows any emotions or reaction as I talk about what they can look forward to in the process.

I ask specific questions to get a sense of the parties' optimism and willingness, and to generate conversation:

  • “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to your work/team/organization that you and your coworker resolve this conflict?”
  • “On a scale of 1 to 10, how optimistic are you about resolving the conflict? What is the reason behind that number?”
  • “On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your willingness to resolve these issues? What is your commitment to this process?”
  • “What are you most eager to learn as we go forward?”
  • “What are you most concerned/anxious/hopeful about?”
  • “What would help you personally?”

I ask the second and third questions again just before moving into the joint sessions, after the parties have developed some skills and new perspective. It's fascinating to watch the scales move.

Recall that you may hear answers such as, “I'm very willing, but she'll never change” or “I'm doing everything I can already. She's the problem.” These statements tell you the person doesn't understand his contribution or his power to affect the outcome. In these cases, you have an opportunity to intervene. For example, you might respond:

I know it seems that way, and yet while that kind of thinking—“If only they would change, everything would be great”—may be true, it doesn't solve the problem. In fact, it weakens you. As long as your happiness is dependent on external events being perfect, you waste energy trying to change things you have no ability to change. We're going to start by focusing on you—on building skills that serve you as a leader and change agent in the organization. These capabilities will eventually help you solve any conflict that arises. Sound good?

Aikido Off the Mat: A Transfer of Skills

Here is an example of aikido's primary principle: blend and redirect. It is also an example of encouraging someone with abundant capacity in one area of her work to increase her commitment and capacity to change in other areas, leading to tangible benefits.

Working some years ago with two midlevel leaders, it became clear that one, Alison, had the capacity to change but not the commitment. Although she was a star in the customer service arena, Alison had poor relationships with the majority of her colleagues. She had some awareness of her part in the difficulty but was unmotivated to modify her behavior. Alison was such an important performer for the organization, there was little chance she would face consequences significant enough to faze her. She solved service problems successfully and had excellent customer relationships.

I could see Alison was a born high achiever who wanted to excel at everything, and I began the coaching process by appreciating what was already working. She was a customer service rock star. How did she do it? How did she build such strong relationships with her customers and yet show no interest in doing the same thing with colleagues?

We looked at how she developed rapport, respect, and trust; how these skills served her in gaining referrals and repeat business; and why it might be worth looking at employing these same competencies in the office. A quick study, Alison could see her talent as transferable, and in the end, she became more collegial at work because she saw the advantages of more effective interactions with her teammates. And after the fact, she admitted her life at work was less stressful and more enjoyable.

Gain Commitment: The 5 Ps

As one of the last steps in the individual sessions, I foster commitment to the process by looking for ways in which the ongoing conflict gets in people's way. Where are their pain points, and how are they contributing to them? And I invite each party to ask, “What's in it for me?” as a way to move from the current path to a new one. I find the best encouragement for moving to a new path to be a combination of the following motivators—the 5 Ps:

1. Pain

  • Help each party clarify the consequences of continuing the status quo. What are all the possible negative futures that could evolve from the current state of affairs? Help them see the natural result of continuing the conflict.
  • Be clear and consistent about the choices each party has available to them.

2. Pleasure

  • Ask each party to imagine the best possible outcome.
  • Encourage everyone to imagine what it would be like to come to work each day with the problem solved. What would be different? Less stress? More cooperation, freedom, productivity?

3. Purpose

  • Paint a picture of where the organization is going—its strengths, future, and mission in the world. How do these individuals complete this picture? What are their roles in carrying the vision forward? What's needed from them?
  • Connect with their purpose for joining the company.
  • Connect with their life purpose. What do you know of their goals, visions, hopes, and dreams? Are they high achievers? What matters to each of them? Ask questions to learn more about what kind of work the parties enjoy most and what inspires them.

4. Performance and Productivity

  • Help all parties see the coaching process as an investment in their futures with the organization. Being asked to undergo this process is a vote of confidence in an individual's future contribution, not a punishment.

5. Personal Power

  • Explain how the process can improve each party's ability to manage conflict in all areas of life by acquiring the skills to make work more enjoyable as well as to see conflict as a gift and a teacher.

My friend and colleague Fran Liautaud, the head of training and development at Maine Drilling and Blasting, relayed the following story to me.

“As a manager, if you are going to ask people to resolve their conflict, you have to be a non-judgmental, non-directive leader, because you are leading the process.

“I learned this early in my career, when I was the director of production services at a large events-management firm. I had two senior producers who had worked together for about ten years. When I came on board, they had a lot of conflict. They'd lost the ability to work well together, and the company paid a price because their projects often fell short of excellence.

“They were both valued employees and both fantastic at their craft. But they couldn't get along, and I realized we had to address this.

“They were both leery. Each had decided there was no way they could get along. Plus, they didn't care about what the other person had to say, and they didn't think they would be able to see a different perspective. But because the alternative was to continue in disharmony, which was also proving to be hard on them, each decided she would be willing to get involved in the process.”

Develop Ability

If you want something new, you have to stop doing something old.

—Peter F. Drucker

Willingness and ability are different, and it's possible to have one without the other. As we've seen, being willing to commit is an inside job. It can be encouraged in someone else but not mandated. Ability, however, can be developed in others if they have the commitment to make it happen. Ability to address conflict manifests as competence and skillfulness in self-reflection, interpersonal communication, and empathy, as well as other similar learned habits of mind, body, and spirit.

We develop new conflict habits in a similar way to how we change any other habit. If I want to stop smoking, I need to replace the habit of smoking with a new one—not smoking. I begin by increasing my awareness of the urge to smoke and my physical habit of reaching for a cigarette. I notice the entrenched internal dialogue that supports the habit (“Just this one . . .”) and begin to replace it with a new one (“If you refrain this time, it will be easier next time, and gradually you'll be a healthier person.”) Over time, I replace the smoking habit with a non-smoking habit.

We don't always see conflict habits in the same way. Nor do we often see the choices available in conflict. These choices are not as obvious as reaching for a cigarette or eating an extra ice cream bar. But the way the patterns grow and affect us are the same.

In his revelatory book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg explains exactly how habits are formed and, consequently, how we can undo them by forming new ones. In his entertaining “How to Break Habits” video about the book, Duhigg explains:

Every habit functions the same way. At first there's a cue, some type of trigger that makes the behavior unfold automatically. Studies tell us that a cue can be a location, a time of day, a certain emotional state, other people, or just a pattern of behaviors that consistently triggers a certain routine.

Because we're habituated to certain ways of behaving, when triggered by the conflict cue, we react as we've been patterned to. If I want to engage differently in conflict, I begin by noticing the pattern that leads to the actions I want to change. Our coaching method involves unraveling this process and helping the parties see the cues that trigger their unconscious patterns, so they can pause and consider new actions to move in a more purposeful direction.

The following are examples of typical conflict habits and ways we might re-pattern them into more effective choices.

Image

Have you noticed any of these habits in your team? What new habits would be useful for each of the parties in your scenario? What would it take for them to change? These are useful questions and thought exercises in the individual sessions.

Willingness and ability are related. If the parties are willing, then it's likely they will be able to learn and build skills. Occasionally, you may learn that an individual has limited ability even though they have strong motivation. If the person is unable to pick up on their teammates' verbal or non-verbal social cues, such as facial expressions and body language, they will find it more difficult to sense meaning and intention in others and to alter their behavior in response. Where possible, obtaining permission to talk with other managers or peers with whom an employee works or interacts helps you get a sense of their ability. You're investing in this process because you believe the parties are worth your time and energy. If they are willing to commit to the process, you will help them develop their skill and ability during the individual sessions.

Aikido Off the Mat: What If . . .

The first individual session with each party may be the most important. You are seeking to accomplish a great deal: You're listening to their stories of the conflict, fully and non-judgmentally, and giving them the opportunity to air it and let it go. You are also assessing the individual's willingness and ability to engage in a process of resolving the conflict through skill development, empathy, and problem-solving.

If you're asking yourself whether to invest the time and energy required by the four-phase process, the answers to the following questions can help you decide:

  • What is the worth of the parties' expertise and value to the company? What would it cost to replace one or both?
  • In your view, after meeting with each party individually, is the relationship repairable or beyond repair?
  • In your view, are the parties willing to change? Will they develop the skills and ability necessary to do so?
  • Is one or more of the parties so resistant or identified with their position that they continually revert to blame, justification, and other intransigent behaviors?
  • Would either of the parties be described as “toxic” to the organization as a whole?

If one or both of the parties refuse to see their contribution, or are affecting the organization or team in ways that limit cohesiveness and productivity, keeping these individuals on staff may do more harm than good. Even though they are valuable in other ways, their presence affects the environment and holds back what might otherwise be a high-functioning team. Not everyone can work together harmoniously. If you find this is the case, it may be best to separate the individuals involved and move on.

Additionally, if you believe you may be contributing to the conflict in some way, or have other doubts about managing the intervention, I suggest talking with an HR professional about who may be more suitable. In my experience, it is difficult to play the role of coach when unraveling a conflict that involves you.

If you decide to proceed with the process, the first individual session is a highly reliable indicator of the likelihood of success. What you learn here gives you a sense of how many sessions might be necessary, based on the parties' willingness and abilities. You may decide the parties are willing to move forward and possess enough skills that they only need one individual session each. In this case, I offer a “lite” version of the four-phase approach in Appendix C.

It's also possible you find that you would rather bring in an outside coach because of the parties' high value to the organization, the entrenched nature of the conflict, and/or the skill required to facilitate the process.

The benefit to working with the parties yourself is that you have a chance to practice the skills, attitudes, and behaviors you're introducing. You increase your personal leadership presence and ability to manage the stress of everyday conflict. As such, this important aspect of your job becomes easier and more satisfying.

Identify Conversation Catalysts

In deciding how to go forward, it helps to ask questions in this first session that encourage the parties to tell their stories and allow you to gain some sense of how willing they might be to hear another story later. Of all the intervention techniques I use, asking open, honest questions from a place of curiosity is the most useful. By “honest,” I mean questions I don't know the answer to. This is not easy. Just by choosing a question, we make a statement. Why that question and not another? I'm always watching myself for “advocacy disguised as inquiry,” as Harvard professor Amy Edmondson calls it. Questions that begin with “Don't you think it would be better if . . .?” or “Do you want to . . .?” or “What if we tried . . .?” sound like questions, but are really statements. We all do it.

In addition to the questions already outlined in previous chapters, the following are examples of questions that are (as much as possible) honest, keeping you in a non-judgmental, curious, and supportive place.

Questions that Broaden the Topic or Learning

  • “Can you tell me what's going on?”
  • “What is your perspective on how this got started?”
  • “What do you need from (the other party)?”
  • “How do you feel about doing this work?”
  • “What concerns do you have about the process?”
  • “What questions do you have for me?”
  • “Any other reactions or thoughts?”

Questions that Deepen the Topic or Learning

  • “Can you name some reasons you think the problem is resolvable/unresolvable?”
  • “What is the concern behind your view?”
  • “Can you explain that further?”
  • “What happens when you get irritated?”
  • “Can you give examples of that?”
  • “Have you ever had coaching or training like this before?”
  • “What would be helpful for you personally?”
  • “What would help you be your best self when conflict arises?”

Any of these questions gets the conversation started. If you listen well, more questions flow from the employee's answers until you find the source of the problem and begin to see what kind of support is needed.

Document the Session

In each session, I take careful notes that I summarize in bullet form. At the end of the session, I email my summary to each of the parties separately. This helps me prepare for the next session. It also lets the people in the conflict review what they said and note recurring patterns as the sessions move forward. The bullets are short and often word for word. I sometimes quote the person. Most participants comment on how helpful they find the written notes.

These notes also help if you decide with the parties (or because their manager has requested it) to create a letter of agreement in which the parties state specific assurances to each other, ways to manage potential setbacks, requests for management support, and possible consequences for not keeping the agreement. A final agreement is usually not a prerequisite to the intervention, but I like to know at the outset. We'll come back to this is Chapter 8.

Before I leave this session, I set a time for the next one and express gratitude for the person's willingness to engage in the process. I also explain that I will send a follow-up email with a summary of my notes and suggested homework to be completed before we meet again. A day or two before the next session, I send a reminder email with the time of the session and the homework assignment.

Homework Examples

  • Managing Conflict with Power & Presence Workbook: Review through page 5.
  • Read “Create a Learning Conversation” in Difficult Conversations.
  • Read “Thank You Very Much” in Unlikely Teachers.
  • Come to the next session with three things you appreciate about your conflict partner.

Examples of follow-up emails that include my notes and suggestions for homework are included in Appendix D.

Key Points

  • The purpose of the first individual session is to find out if the parties have the ability to change and are willing to commit to the process.
  • In conflict situations, it takes an internal shift to not see the other person as the source of the problem.
  • The key ingredient to a successful outcome is the willingness of the parties to fully engage.
  • When our well-being is dependent on others behaving in a certain way, we lose power and waste energy.
  • A key belief and teaching in conflict resolution is that conflict can be an opportunity to learn, grow, and see what the conflict is trying to show us.
  • The 5 Ps—pain, pleasure, purpose, performance, and personal power—can be useful for gaining the parties' commitment.
  • Developing skillfulness in conflict situations is about developing new conflict habits.
  • The first individual session may be the most important and is a reliable indicator of the likelihood of success of the conflict resolution process.
  • By practicing the skills and behaviors you're introducing, you increase your personal leadership presence and ability to manage everyday conflict.
  • The parties benefit by receiving a summary of your notes in a follow-up email.

Sources

Aikido flow videos

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