CHAPTER 6

Tell Me Less

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

An e-mail goes to everyone in the company, announcing the birth of a baby—and giving more than a few details about the wife’s protracted labor.

The woman who works on your floor corners you at an office party and tells you more about her dysfunctional relationship with her mother than people usually tell their analysts.

A loquacious manager turns small talk before a meeting into a play-by-play description of the ugly details of his recent divorce.

Perhaps the blurring of the boundaries when it comes to keeping some things private is attributable to the age in which we live, when exhaustive information on just about any topic is just a few key strokes away. Perhaps it’s because so many barriers have come down—physical barriers in offices, geographical barriers, and emotional barriers as we grow accustomed to the tell-all mentality of the modern media. Or perhaps it’s because we’ve never been so connected—and yet so disconnected. At work, this often means that you find out more about your coworkers than you really want to know. Whether it’s your neighbor in the next cubicle stopping in for a chat and telling you about her ongoing dispute with her sister-in-law or a coworker sharing too freely the details of his recent string of dates, some people don’t seem to know how to censor their own communications.

Rebuilding the Barriers at Work

Offices without walls and flatter organizations can make maintaining social and professional barriers at work a challenge. Further, cell phones, pagers, fax machines, and e-mail also create a kind of “in your face” communication approach that chips away at the distance between us—a distance that can sometimes be healthy. This lack of privacy encourages an artificial intimacy that we may grow to regret and resent.

All around us we see the effects of living in an age of no-holds-barred self-disclosure. From television talk or “reality” shows to shock jocks on the radio, no subject seems to be off-limits in casual conversation anymore. Some people seem intent on exposing the most intimate sides of their own and other people’s lives to anyone who will listen. Yet even when we’re bombarded with answers to questions we haven’t asked and receive more information from people than we want, we’re reluctant to complain for fear of offending the speaker. Although open and honest communication certainly is a valuable component in any relationship—business or personal—there is also such a thing as being too open and honest.

Balancing Openness and Privacy

Self-revelation helps us define ourselves to others. It provides insights into our personal feelings and emotions and helps other people get to know us and relate to us. For example, when you tell a coworker that you recently moved to the area from another part of the country, or that you are new to your current profession and that you used to be a teacher, you are letting the other person see you as more than just “the new sales rep” or “the marketing manager,” adding another dimension to your identity.

Self-disclosure traditionally leads to increased familiarity, and in the right environment, increases over time. However, people sometimes forego the natural progression of a relationship and try to attain instant intimacy, perhaps mistaking that increased knowledge for friendship. For some people this disclosure may stem from a need to fill an emotional void, or out of a misguided belief that their openness will endear them to others. For other people, “oversharing” may simply be a result of a poor understanding of what is socially acceptable. In our warp-speed world when we’re often in a job or a city for a short time or we’re dealing with people via cyberspace, we push for instant connection, and sometimes we move too quickly for someone’s comfort level.

Although revealing information about yourself may help you build bridges with coworkers, you must maintain a balance between being open and maintaining an appropriate level of privacy. Further, you need to recognize just how much other people are really interested in hearing. Self-disclosure has its place and in many cases can build bridges between people and strengthen relationships. We need, however, to take a thoughtful approach that considers everyone involved. Here are some general rules to keep in mind.

Think before you speak or write. Revealing sensitive information about yourself may seem like a good idea as you’re doing it, but in the cold light of day you may regret it. I’ve had people tell me intimate secrets only to end up feeling awkward and uncomfortable around me afterward.

Revealing personal information can become especially risky when you put it in writing, because once it reaches its destination, the message is out of your control. You are especially vulnerable when you send e-mail since the receiver could choose to forward your message to others. Before you hit the “Send” button, stop and consider for a moment if you’re completely comfortable with the information in the e-mail, and would be no matter who ended up reading it.

Avoid gossip. Sharing too much information sometimes involves sharing personal information about others. If you are privy to a secret about one of your coworkers, whether it’s of a professional or personal nature, keep that information to yourself. Let’s face it; no one likes a gossip. Even when your audience is receptive to what you’re revealing, it’s likely that your trustworthiness will become suspect, and you will be seen as a gossipy busybody. Likewise, when someone comes to you with personal information about a colleague, politely but firmly let the person know that you don’t feel that this information concerns you, and that you’d rather not hear it. Respect other people’s privacy, and don’t share information about them that they wouldn’t share themselves.

Know that some subjects may be off limits. Keep in mind that certain subjects, such as religious beliefs, personal finances, details about illnesses, mental health, or personal details about a marriage, divorce, or affair, may make other people uncomfortable. If someone you only know casually asks about your health, for example, keep your answer short and general, avoiding a detailed account of a specific medical problem.

Some people are more open than others to receiving unexpected personal information. Watch your listener’s nonverbal response as you speak. An uncomfortable listener may not say so, but his or her body language should make it abundantly clear. Notice a change in stance, eye contact, or facial expression; sudden fidgeting such as playing with hands or a nearby object; and noncommittal or vague responses. In such cases, recognize that your listener may not want to hear what you have to say. Drop the subject once and for all and move on to a new topic.

Don’t expect or demand reciprocity. Studies have shown that when we reveal personal information about ourselves, we often expect the other party to give us some juicy information in return. And if we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that we are disappointed when our audience doesn’t reciprocate. In the workplace, sharing confidences may seem to be a way to strengthen a professional relationship when in reality we may simply want to satisfy our own curiosity about another person.

If you are inclined to bare your soul, recognize your audience’s right not to do so in return. Similarly, when you happen to be on the receiving end of the conversation, don’t let yourself get trapped into feeling obligated to provide equally personal information about yourself.

In some cases, get the receiver’s okay before proceeding. Consider prefacing your remarks with a statement that allows your audience to choose whether or not to hear. You might say to the other person, “What I’m about to tell you is highly personal. Let me know if you’d rather we not go there.” If the listener shows the slightest hesitation, even if he or she doesn’t tell you directly, change the subject willingly and move quickly to a less sensitive topic. Be sure to divert the conversation graciously, moving on to a neutral topic without making the other person feel guilty for not listening to you.

When You Are the Recipient of Unwanted Information

When you feel that you are getting too much information, let the other person know it up front. For example, if a coworker with whom you have only a professional relationship begins to discuss his dating habits with you, and this information not only doesn’t interest you but also makes you feel uncomfortable, politely bring the subject to a close. Although you may feel uncomfortable speaking up, doing so is better than letting things go too far. However, be sure to keep your reaction light and nonjudgmental, so the speaker doesn’t feel embarrassed about what he or she has already disclosed. You might use humor as a way to let the person tactfully know you’d rather not hear anymore. Another approach might be simply to change the subject.

What You Don’t Say Tells a Lot

In the end, being sensitive to others and choosing when and where to divulge personal information are themselves a form of self-revelation. Knowing just how much to share—about yourself and others—might just be one of the biggest indicators of your character. It might mean the difference between being viewed by coworkers as tactless, insensitive, or just plain clueless, and being seen as a professional who respects other people’s privacy and recognizes the importance of maintaining a personal space at work.

The Bottom Line

In an age in which exhaustive information on just about any topic is just a few key strokes away, it’s sometimes easy to forget how much information is too much.

Offices without walls, flatter organizations, and technology can make it a challenge to maintain barriers at work.

Self-disclosure has its place and can strengthen relationships, but it’s important to balance openness with privacy.

Use good judgment about how much to share with others and how much to tolerate hearing when you’re on the receiving end.

What you don’t say can tell a lot about you.

Action Plan

Over the next thirty days,

I will stop ___________________________________________________

I will start ___________________________________________________

I will continue ________________________________________________