CHAPTER 7

Praiseworthy Praise

Giving Compliments that Count

The philosopher William James once said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” Xenophon, the ancient Greek philosopher and historian, tells us, “The sweetest of all sounds is praise.”

The Power of Praise

The fact that people respond positively to accolades is not a revelation. Even though we may not readily admit it, most of us enjoy recognition for our good deeds, accomplishments, and hard work. The positive reinforcement inspires us to keep meeting the challenges and difficulties we face daily.

Yet when given without sincerity, praise might be taken for flattery or manipulation, and the person giving that kind of praise will quickly earn a reputation for being superficial.

When heartfelt, however, sincere praise can be a powerful tool for motivating others. People feel valued and recognized for what they are doing well, and often a genuine compliment inspires a person to strive for additional achievement.

Giving Praise

How can you avoid the traps that cheapen the praise you offer and instead give praise in a way that increases others’ sense of self-worth and motivates them to new levels of purpose and accomplishment?

Praise, don’t flatter. American poet Phyllis McGinley calls praise an “earned thing.” It usually results from something we have done to deserve the commendation. The following feedback, given honestly, is the kind of praise that reinforces and rewards success because it focuses on a specific action: “The invitation you designed for the fund raiser is really getting a lot of attention and positive comments. Thanks for sharing your artistic talents.” Generally speaking, flattery is excessive or unwarranted praise, with little substance: “You’re always so professional! You’re a real inspiration.” is a good illustration of words that merely flatter.

Staying focused on the action rather than the person is a good way to avoid having our praise perceived as empty flattery. Further, people feel more comfortable accepting compliments about what they have done rather than about who they are. There are exceptions, of course. For example, you may want to pay tribute to someone’s cool head in a crisis or some other behavioral attribute. But even in those situations, it’s best to tie the remarks to a particular performance to increase their validity.

Be specific. Often, people limit praise to vague, general statements, but give pointed, specific criticism. We’ve all known the boss who walks around saying “good job” to everyone. Obviously all contributions aren’t equal, thus both the outstanding accomplishment and the marginal performance receive similar accolades. No one feels singled out, and the manager’s credibility suffers. Perhaps worse, those who really do outstanding work and make an extra effort don’t feel that their singular contributions are recognized. For your praise to count, be sure that your positive feedback is just as specific as any negative you give.

Focus on the receiver. Praise people in a style that’s consistent with the recipient’s personality. You can’t understand why Janet didn’t react well to the award you presented her in the department meeting this morning. She seemed particularly uncomfortable when everyone shouted “Speech! Speech!” In fact, you’re a bit miffed about her lack of enthusiasm. She hardly thanked you.

The maxim of “praise in public and reprimand in private” doesn’t necessarily hold true in every situation. Some people would also like to receive praise in private because they are easily embarrassed by the public attention. Further, people sometimes worry about the resentment that the recognition might spark. On the other hand, many people love the spotlight. They would be happy if you rented a marching band and turned on the klieg lights. Most people, obviously, fall somewhere in between. Make sure that you offer praise in a way that is in sync with individual personalities.

Don’t undercut your words. Avoid following a compliment with a verbal jab, even if you mean it in fun. For example, “You did a great job smoothing Mr. Carter’s ruffled feathers and saving the account. Not bad for an engineer.” Even people who appreciate a good joke or enjoy a convivial ribbing still prefer an unsullied compliment.

Remember, the boss needs praise. Use good judgment in praising higher-ranking colleagues. Everyone—at every level in the corporate hierarchy—needs kind words. However, in giving praise, especially to someone in power, it’s important to be sincere and unencumbered by a hidden agenda. Perhaps your manager had to make a particularly difficult announcement to the department about impending layoffs, and she handled the difficult topic clearly and compassionately. Although complimenting her for handling day-to-day activities is generally inappropriate, she is likely to appreciate your positive response to her difficult task. Heaping praise on a superior can create suspicion—in both the receiver and anyone else within earshot—so it’s critical that your words come across as genuine.

When praising someone higher up in the organization, keep the focus on a specific behavior or benefit, and pick your spots carefully to deliver these compliments. If you’re there with a gushy commendation every time the boss speaks to the troops, you will develop a reputation for being sycophantic and self-serving.

Don’t praise as a prelude to a request. Author and consultant Dianna Booher warns that too often praise is a prelude for some kind of appeal. “Tom, your presentation on the new product was a show stopper! Can you have a great sales pitch ready for our client in Denver day after tomorrow?” In this case, the kind words lose their effectiveness when they are used as a way to warm the person to a request. When you give praise, let the praise stand alone so that the recipient can savor the moment. If you need to ask the person for an additional favor or action, wait until later. Make the request a separate event.

Praise as Feedback

Praise is an important stimulus to our development. Managers, coworkers, parents, and partners frequently operate on the premise that silence means approval—that is, if everything’s fine, you won’t hear anything. More often, however, people find a lack of response to their actions deflating. It’s a little bit like trying to carry on a conversation and not getting an answer from the person to whom you’re speaking. People need to know that they are on track and making progress just as much as they need to know when they go astray.

Accepting Praise

Just as delivering praise effectively can spread goodwill and inspire positive behavior, accepting praise graciously is also a skill worth perfecting. Don’t respond to a compliment by putting yourself down with a self-deprecating statement. While modesty can be a virtue, don’t overdo it. Avoid responding to a compliment by saying, “Oh, it was no big deal.” Instead, keep your reaction simple and direct with a reply such as, “Thank you. I’m glad the situation turned out well.” Nor do you have to offer a compliment in return, even if one comes to mind. Save it for another time. This restraint will keep the praise you received from being diluted, and the later accolade will sound sincere, rather than obligatory.

The Bottom Line

One of the deepest principles in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Praise might be mistaken for flattery or manipulation if it is not delivered with sincerity.

Sincere praise can be a powerful tool for motivating others.

Focus praise on a specific action, and not on the person.

Praise should be delivered in a way suited to the receiver’s personality.

Be judicious in praising those higher up in the workplace hierarchy.

Accepting praise graciously is as important as giving it appropriately.

Action Plan

Over the next thirty days,

I will stop ___________________________________________________

I will start ___________________________________________________

I will continue ________________________________________________