CHAPTER 1
Twenty-First Century Manners
Can Courtesy Survive in the Brave New World?
Finally it arrived: the new millennium. For most of us, it was full of hope and promise and fresh beginnings, but also filled with dire predictions and omens. After all the hoopla, hype, and histrionics, we have passed through the gateway into a new age. And with the traumatic and gut-wrenching events that have ushered in this new era, we may have felt an ongoing urge to reflect and take stock.
Are we making any progress in the civility department? Are we ruder than the generations that have gone before us, or do we still value courtesy and politeness? Granted, we no longer draw and quarter people in the town square, but we gleefully pillory our fellow citizens in the media. We bemoan the rudeness of others, yet can easily justify our own actions when we are surly with a salesperson, cut off another driver on the road (because we’re in a bigger hurry, of course), or walk past coworkers without greeting them.
Indeed, our society abounds with examples of rudeness. A marketing communications manager I know recently reproached a sandwich maker at a delicatessen for ignoring her polite “thank you” at the end of her transaction. Rather than being embarrassed about his lack of civility, the deli employee came from behind the counter and followed the customer across the store, spewing invectives about her having the audacity to mention that “you’re welcome” is a traditional response to “thank you.”
As a society, particularly in highly populated areas, we’re touchy, brash, and easily rankled, and although we claim to value courteous behavior, we’re quick to respond in kind when we feel affronted. The word “edgy” has become something of a compliment, whereas it once meant that someone had consumed too much caffeine. Further, we enthusiastically adopt the outrageous, the cantankerous, and the pugnacious habits of our culture’s icons. In short, we spend a lot of time bemoaning the death of courtesy and not much energy trying to revive it.
The High Cost of Incivility
A 1998 study by the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill’s Kenan-Flagler School of Business highlighted as uncivil such behavior as not responding to e-mail or voicemail, habitually interrupting, back-stabbing, shouting, and rudeness that ultimately escalates into threatened or actual violence.
The study found that rude behavior at work is on the rise and hitting corporations where it hurts—on the balance sheet. The survey of 1,400 workers found that 12 percent of people who experience chronic rude behavior at work quit their jobs and 22 percent deliberately decrease their work effort. The survey found that men are seven times as likely as women to be rude at work. Rampant incivility goes far beyond political correctness or etiquette issues. Incivility makes open communication and teamwork virtually impossible.
A recent survey by Public Agenda, a nonpartisan opinion research organization, revealed that eight in ten Americans surveyed say a lack of respect and courtesy not only is a serious problem but also has become worse in recent years. Respondents cited the way they are treated by business and customer-service employees as inexcusable. Almost half of those surveyed have walked out of a business because of bad service.
Even more disturbing, notes the survey, is discourtesy from individuals. Complaints include inconsiderate drivers, rude cell phone users, and the use of profanity. Equally troubling is the impolite and even aggressive conduct of children, which, although the survey holds parents primarily to blame, is at least in part learned from popular culture and the entertainment media.
When asked about the perceived causes of this increased rudeness, many people suggested overcrowding, too much anonymity, and the pressures of our high-octane lives, coupled with a declining sense of community and a general increase in selfishness and callousness.
In the workplace, the results of this phenomenon manifest themselves on the bottom line. According to Envisionworks, a Chicago-area based consulting firm that specializes in corporate behavior, ignoring bad behavior in the workplace can be a costly mistake. The negative effects of workplace incivility can include the following:
Declining commitment to the organization
Decreased effort
Increased tardiness and absenteeism
Deliberate damage to equipment and property
Termination of employment to avoid dealing with instigators
Poor customer service
Low morale
Physical violence
Just as serious as the toll on organizational effectiveness is the toll that rudeness takes on people themselves. Discourteous behavior has a negative impact on the recipient of the behavior and on the person whose behavior is impolite and disrespectful. Whether the misbehavior comes from ignorance or from a genuine combativeness, the results are the same: The person loses credibility and alienates others—damage that, once done, is difficult to reverse.
We sometimes justify rudeness because it seems to be expedient, unlike courtesy, which may seem to take too much time and effort. On the contrary, in many cases, being rude takes just as much energy as courtesy—sometimes more. For example, you will expend more force screaming at the driver who changed lanes in front of you than you will backing off a little and letting that person into your lane. Rather than becoming irate, try to empathize. Consider that perhaps the person is in unfamiliar surroundings and just realized that his or her exit is immediately ahead. On the other hand, the person may truly be an inconsiderate driver. But either way, you have more to lose by reacting rudely and angrily.
Taking Personal Responsibility
If indeed we believe that politeness and social rituals have a civilizing effect on the population, then we all need to accept the responsibility for keeping civility alive and well in the twenty-first century. Here are a few suggestions.
Consider Your Motives
Concerns about courtesy should be positively motivated. Throughout history, the advocacy of extreme manners and protocol was often a thinly veiled ploy to exclude and feel superior to others who didn’t know the protocol. In fact, the words “etiquette” and “ticket” have the same etymology: the Old French estiquet. And, as we well know, the purpose of a ticket is to let some in and keep others out. If you encounter a rule or behavior that seems elitist, out of date, or just plain silly, use your good judgment. True courtesy benefits everyone. Its aim is not to embarrass or catch someone in a mistake.
Consider the Needs of Others
One reason we’re not better at practicing civility is that it often involves putting someone else’s interests ahead of our own—opening a door, stepping aside to let someone pass, turning off our cell phones during meetings. Courtesy requires unselfishness, a quality too often in short supply.
Indeed, one of the defining characteristics of our social structure is the constant tension between asserting individual rights while maintaining respect for others. To some of us, deferring to others seems to equate to giving up one’s freedom and rights. We feel less powerful and somehow out of control when someone goes ahead of us or takes a better seat.
We find it even more difficult to maintain civility when someone is rude to us. Our natural instinct is to defend ourselves by returning the rudeness. Unfortunately, this action begins an unpleasant cycle of revenge. When we return someone else’s rudeness with our own, a minor insult can escalate into a serious problem—perhaps even leading to physical violence. Our first reaction to defend ourselves and our honor ultimately makes us party to the behavior of which we were critical.
Treat Others as You’d Want to Be Treated
Practically every civilization and religion has some version of this principle. Consistently applied, that simple axiom covers a lot of territory. Most people find it difficult to be rude to someone who refuses to participate in the rudeness.
Refuse to Return Rudeness
To take this approach, you have a couple of options. On the one hand, you can behave as though the incivility didn’t occur, which works well for minor offenses. People find it difficult to continue unacceptable behavior if the other person responds in a way that affirms the dignity of both parties and attempts to move the encounter in a more positive direction. Or you can politely acknowledge the rudeness. If, for example, a coworker snaps at you when you request some information, you might respond with something like, “I can see that you are really busy and probably on a deadline, and I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need your help.”
If that approach doesn’t disarm the person, you have the right to confront the rudeness courteously but more directly. For example, you might say, “You seem really upset about something. If I have offended you, I’m sorry. I’ll try to get this information from someone else or speak to you later.”
Only in the most extreme cases will someone continue to be rude in the face of one of these strategies. At any rate, you will be far better off if you refuse to let yourself be dragged into the fray. Further, if anyone else happens to hear the exchange, you will come across as evenhanded, emotionally mature, and in control, while your opponent will send all kinds of negative signals. If both of you went at it, neither would be a winner.
What’s In It for You?
Obviously, not many people appreciate the rudeness that’s rampant in our society, even though many admit that they themselves frequently fall into the pattern of discourtesy and disrespect that they abhor in others.
Not surprisingly, then, anyone who commits to becoming familiar with the right way to treat other people and who displays good manners is going to get noticed. According to Dana May Casperson, author of Power Etiquette: What You Don’t Know Can Kill Your Career, “Good manners open doors that position and money cannot.” When you are polished and professional, others perceive you as knowledgeable and confident. Conversely, if you lack polish and professionalism, people may seem willing to overlook your slip-ups temporarily, but they won’t ignore them indefinitely. Casperson asserts that at critical points in your career, you may be passed over for someone who has learned the importance of interpersonal skills based on courtesy, knowledge, and respect for others.
The Constantly Changing Rules
We’ll probably never have a Leave It to Beaver world (did it ever really exist?), but the alternative doesn’t have to be The Jerry Springer Show. And although the rules will continue to change as society and circumstances change—for example, the rule that a man must walk on the outside of the sidewalk to shield a woman’s long, flowing skirts from being splashed by carriages on muddy streets made sense a hundred years ago, but no longer applies—the principles of fair play, ethical behavior, and concern for others will always be valued. Courtesy, in the end, comes from an attitude—a sensible, enriching way of treating others. Rather than a set of ordinances, courtesy is a mixture of common sense and kindness.
The Bottom Line
Incivility has become commonplace in society.
Rudeness takes a serious toll in the workplace.
Courtesy stems from a genuine respect for others.
Refusing to return rudeness is an important first step toward civility.
Courtesy can be an important competitive advantage.
Action Plan
Over the next thirty days,
I will stop ___________________________________________________
I will start ___________________________________________________
I will continue ________________________________________________