26.

Taking Meetings on the Toilet

We’ve all done it. And even if you’ve never done it *wink* I can promise you that just about anyone you’ve worked with virtually has taken a meeting on the toilet.

It might not have been the entire meeting—heaven forbid—but at least long enough to get that second job done. So what? Some people aren’t even wearing pants while they work from home. Who cares if they’re taking a meeting about one thing while doing number two?

Honestly, that depends on who you are. This chapter offers a little bit for everyone to make sure that if you do ever need to perform that duty, you’re doing it right. We could just tell you “don’t do it!” but we’re nothing if not optimistic realists. This chapter is the least we can do.

Let’s Level Set, Shall We?

When we say this chapter is for everyone—we do mean everyone. And no, not just because as you’ve undoubtedly heard, “everybody poops,” but because we realize that sometimes there is a fine line between doing something truly wrong and doing something wrong truly effectively. Meaning, unless you have an explicit policy prohibiting the use of the bathroom while on a business or conference call—something we address and support later in this chapter for those who need that level of endorsement—then one of the best things we can do is express how to do something terrible well.

The Three Types of Work-From-Homers

When it comes to taking meetings or calls on the toilet, we’ve noticed people typically fall into one of three buckets:

• The “I Would Never. I Will Never.” crowd. Our advice to this group boils down to hello, welcome to your first day of virtual management. Or maybe more accurately, good for you, noble bladder-holder! You are a true unicorn and we bow to you. Keep doing what you’re not doing.

• The “I Have and I Promise to Never Do It Again” group. Look, we’ve all been there. In a standard conference room meeting, you’ll see someone excuse themselves with no reason and return a few moments later with cleaner hands and no one bats an eyelash. But virtually, it can be a little more complicated. Can you discretely excuse yourself on a conference call? Not really. It’s much more tempting to just sneakily press mute for 60-90 seconds and hope you’re not called on to give a comment or feedback. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

• The unabashed “I Do. I Have. And I Most Certainly Will Again” team. Of course you have. And of course you will. Thank you for being honest.

Steps to Do It Right

Assuming that you don’t fall into the first group, or you do but you manage a team who identifies with the second or third group, what are you supposed to do? Let’s really talk about how to do this right:

1. Put. Your. Phone. On. Mute. Don’t cover the microphone. Don’t walk away from the phone. Press mute, do your business, flush, wash your hands, and then unmute. Don’t do that freshman move of unmuting before you wash your hands. No one is going to believe that you’re just washing a quick dish or randomly just washing your hands? Once anyone hears the water flowing, they will know what you did.

2. Try to avoid talking in your bathroom. Have you ever listened to your voice in your bathroom compared with any other room in your house? Most bathrooms are small, painted in eggshell or a high-gloss paint, and filled with metal, porcelain, glass, tile, mirrors, and other vocally reflective materials. When you’re in the bathroom, your voice will sound shiny and like you’re talking in a tin echo chamber. It is extremely obvious that you’re in a different room, and someone will wonder why. Don’t make them wonder. Avoid the wondering.

3. Don’t attempt number 2 when you’re number 1 on the call. If you are an essential member of the conference call, don’t get bold. Don’t think that no one will notice you’ve disappeared for several minutes or more. You may be able to bluff yourself out of this one, but only once, and it’s more likely you’ll get flustered, which will only add to the confusion and guilt. Trust us.

4. Don’t attempt this during one-on-one calls. Maybe you’ve been using the bathroom on conference calls and webinars for years. You’ve built up not only skills, but confidence. Don’t get cocky. These days it’s really easy to tell if someone has been put on mute. And taking yourself off mute when the person you’re meeting with says “Hello, Susan, are you there?” might reveal a little more than just your voice responding with “Yep, right here.”

5. Nature calls and I must answer. As a last resort (or maybe a first resort?) just as people excuse themselves for a few moments in a physical meeting, that is always an option on a conference call too. Sometimes nature calls at inconvenient times, and there’s nothing you can do about it. However, you always have the option to politely excuse yourself and then return to the conference when you’re done. If it’s a video conference, perhaps you create a policy to simply turn your camera off when you need to be excused, rather than interrupt the meeting with an announcement that you’ll be right back.

What About Your Employees?

So what is the best defense against having your employees break this unstated rule of thumb? A policy and procedure approach, naturally. It’s as simple as saying “Please don’t use the bathroom while on a work call.”

Discussing bathroom breaks at the workplace can be awkward and embarrassing. However, as OSHA points out, there are real laws governing bathroom breaks and it’s often a necessary communication to have and outline between employers and employees. And it shouldn’t be a free-for-all just because you’re in a virtual environment.

So developing a policy that states that employees should respect the virtual experience and refrain from using the bathroom—even while using a mute feature or any of our awesome tips—while on calls is smart. This way, if someone is caught using the bathroom while on a call, you can address it as a true policy issue, not as a preference or cultural one. It’s one thing to suggest business shouldn’t be conducted from the toilet as policy, it’s another to just be crappy about it because you think you heard a toilet flush.

A Few More Thoughts

Don’t attempt to normalize this topic. Even if everyone uses the advice we’ve given on the subject, that doesn’t mean everyone is comfortable discussing it. Don’t think that just because everyone does it, that means anyone wants to talk about it openly or otherwise.

Use discretion. This topic, like any other potentially difficult or disciplinary topic, should not be discussed on a group call if delinquent action is suspected. Anything that should or could be discussed should be done so with discretion and tact.

Signing Off

You might be laughing right now, or perhaps you’re crying. This chapter alone might have been the very reason you purchased this book! The reason this topic is so seemingly taboo and fascinating is because it’s an extremely unique one within the world of the virtual workplace. Plus, it’s not too foreign to understand—research has found that somewhere between 38 and 75 percent of people anonymously admit to the dirty little habit of using their phone or tablet on the toilet anyway (Rivers 2016). So even if you’ve never been there personally, you can understand the gravity of this modern utilization of mobile technology.

Like any difficult topic, it’s one you can effectively ignore until you can’t any longer. However, the knowing echo of a stall, the sound of flush, or the strange intermittent muting with no explanation can cause an assumption or realization that makes us all feel uncomfortable. What happens next is up to you. Do you have enough evidence to address the issue? Do you have a policy that prohibits the activity? If not, some things are better left unsaid and unexplored. We suggest you flush that topic away quietly, preferably while on mute.