Give When You Mean It

The key to activating the law of reciprocity is that you give something of value from your heart. If you give only in hopes of getting, the law is less powerful and can backfire. Learn more about this principle of spiritual marketing with The Attractor Factor and the other great works of Dr. Joe Vitale.

Take a moment to remember a time when you had a fabulous gift to give someone who you care about. You couldn’t wait for the occasion to give it to her because you knew she’d love it, and you couldn’t wait to see the look on her face. If you are going to give something to someone, this is the mind-set that you need to be in. If you’re not in this mind-set and you feel that you’re giving away too much or being taken advantage of, the law of reciprocity will backfire. Not only that, but you will waste your valuable time, energy, and money.

Follow first

Consider this scenario: a few weeks ago, someone e-mailed me and said, “Like my Facebook page and then I’ll like yours.” What effect do you think this had?

Relationships are based on how you make people feel. This message made me feel that the person didn’t know anything about me, wasn’t interested in my material, and simply wanted new fans for his page. Imagine how different it would have been had he genuinely been interested in my Facebook page (Facebook.com/MarketingPsych), posted several comments there, and then e-mailed me to let me know that he enjoyed my page and let me know about his. At the minimum, I would have gone to his page—something I didn’t do after the request he sent me.

A great way to influence people to follow you in social media, sign up for your mailing list, do a joint venture with you, or buy from you is to first do the same for them. One of my clients, an author, told me of his dream to do a joint venture with a well-known author whom he admired. My client had read one of this author’s books. I told him to read the rest of his books, buy his products, follow him in social media, and write reviews of his books on Amazon. My client genuinely liked and respected this author, so he was happy to do all of these things, regardless of whether or not a joint venture worked out, though of course we hoped that it would. After learning more about this author’s approach, my client realized that the joint venture he had originally anticipated would not be an ideal match, but he had another idea in mind, one that was an excellent fit. When my client approached the author, he was able to genuinely say how familiar he was with his work and how much he liked it.

When you come from a place of true interest, understanding, and admiration, it is easy to give first and mean it. You remain true to yourself and do not feel like you’re trying to sell something or feel like you’re being manipulative. Remember that the number-one key to attracting more clients is to build authentic relationships.

Discover the icing on the cake

It’s hard to study persuasion in the real world. Because of this, much of the research on persuasion has been conducted in university settings. One way to measure persuasion in the real world, however, is through studying tipping in restaurants. I waited tables for 10 years during undergraduate and graduate school, and I always enjoyed learning about the impacts of my service on customers’ tipping. I joke that I learned more about human behavior by working in restaurants than I did while completing a doctorate in psychology—and it’s only partly a joke. One lesson I learned was that you can’t predict who will be good tippers. Often the people who you might think would tip well would not and vice versa. This is an argument for not stereotyping and providing your best possible service no matter what.

That said, a few things have been found to influence customer tipping behavior. On top of excellent service, these things can be the icing on the cake. Servers who receive higher tips introduce themselves by name, mirror the type of communication style that customers show, and draw images (such as a happy face or American flag) on checks. Some of these factors (such as drawing the happy face) have held more true for female servers than for males servers. Nonverbal communication such as smiling, touching a customer’s shoulder, or crouching to eye level with the customers also tend to increase tipping. What is the icing in your business? It may be a check-in call between meetings, a personal thank-you card, professional use of touch (handshake, shoulder touch), or something else. The eye-level finding is interesting because being at the same eye level equalizes the perception of power, which makes people feel more comfortable. Women tend to feel more comfortable when their eye level is slightly higher than the other person’s.

Little gifts that make a big difference

Giving a little gift can go a long way. Back to studies of tipping in restaurants: When servers gave each of their customers a small piece of candy with the check, they earned 3.3 percent more in tips. When they gave two pieces of candy per customer, they earned a staggering 14 percent more in tips. What a return on investment for a couple pieces of candy!

It amazes me how people are reluctant to give little gifts because they don’t want to spend the money. They’ll spend $50 to go to a networking event and then not follow up with the people they meet. They won’t spend $12 to buy a book or take someone to lunch. They won’t spend $3 to send a card. It’s these smaller things—things that are perceived as receiving little gifts—that make a big difference.

The way to select little gifts that make a big difference is to make sure that they are:

• Scarce. Scarcity is another powerful social influence tool. You see marketers try to use the scarcity principle all the time by saying things like “limited time offer” and “while supplies last”; some of these pitches work well and some are blatant sales gimmicks.

Two things I like to send out are cards and cookies or candy—things that people universally enjoy. Don’t send cookies or candy to someone who you know is on a diet, but if you don’t know, don’t worry about it; they can always enjoy sharing the treats with others, plus moderation rather than deprivation is linked with long-term weight loss success, but that’s another story.

When do you think I avoid giving these things out? If you guessed during the holidays, you are right. There are cards and cookies everywhere, so the small gift has a small impact rather than the big impact we’d like.

• Relevant. The more timely something is, the better. If I sent out a tool for organizing your tax paperwork in August, it would be irrelevant to most people for many months. They would be dealing with back-to-school shopping, end of summer travel, and other such things, so my gift would have little relevance.

• Thoughtful. You’ve heard, “It’s the thought that counts.” It is true. What influences people more than what you get them is the thought that you put into it. Deliver your gifts with a message like, “I remembered you saying how much you enjoy reading leadership books so I thought you’d enjoy this one; it’s one of my favorites.”