If You Aren’t Relatable, You’re Invisible
,In order for people to participate, they need to feel comfortable. If someone feels insecure, intimidated, or otherwise bad while around you, he will not join you in the discussions you lead. People know that as your audience, the more engaged they are, the more they support you. When audience members answer your questions or people join your LinkedIn group, they know that they are supporting you. They choose to do so for the benefit they will receive. But they will not want to join you—and support you—if they do not see you as relatable and likeable.
Be the best you can be—but don’t be perfect
Remember how we like people who are like us? This is the law of similarity. Do you think you’re perfect? Probably not. In fact, we are our own worst critics. Because we don’t see ourselves as perfect, we don’t relate to people who come across as too perfect.
We also like to interact with people who make us feel good about ourselves. Have you ever been around someone who is a little too perfect—too smart, too skinny, too attractive? How do you feel about yourself after this interaction? According to the law of social comparison, we naturally compare ourselves with others who are similar to us to see how we measure up. We often like to be around someone who is a little “better” than we see ourselves, but if we see someone as way “better,” we feel intimidated and feel worse about ourselves. As a result, we shut down and shy away—things that do not stimulate interaction and discussion.
Earlier, I’ve recommended that you be attractive to get attention, be a charismatic storyteller to engage emotion, and be smart to be credible. And now I’m telling you not to be perfect. What gives? Well first, don’t be too much of any of these things. You don’t want to come across as a know-it-all supermodel.
Second, balance out your great qualities with display of your foibles, quirks, and insecurities. I have a theory that one of the reasons that celebreality television is so popular is that we like to see celebrities as people like ourselves. We like to see their everyday struggles and know that while they may have perfect hair, clothes, makeup, cars, and houses, they are not different from us, and in fact there is typically a downside to the seemingly perfect life. Share some of your faux pas and social gaffes. Share your hard times and challenging experiences; remember that we can’t help but root for the underdog. In social media, I often share silly mistakes I made (I certainly have a nice arsenal to choose from) and my weaknesses (with chocolate typically leading the pack).
Be professional while being human
A closely related topic to being too perfect is being too professional. One of my clients, Anne, a self-help author and motivational speaker, was getting ready to deliver a keynote address. As she rehearsed with me, I did not feel engaged or inspired. She was paying me and I found myself getting distracted, so as an audience member I don’t know how invested I would have been in her talk.
At the end, I gave her feedback. I asked her how she wanted to come across to her audience. “Professional,” she told me.
“Would you rather be professional or relatable?” I asked.
“Well, both,” Anne responded.
“Think of the last talk you attended. As you sat in the audience, would you have preferred that the speaker was professional or relatable?”
“Oh, definitely relatable,” she said.
Our focus on ourselves kills us. We think about our own needs and not our audience. We make assumptions about what they want, but really those assumptions are based on our own wants, needs, and insecurities.
Anne is a lovely person who had great value to share with her audience. She was not an egomaniac who had a strong need to be seen as an authority and thus needed to be seen as “professional.” Quite the contrary—in reality, she was nervous about coming across as not confident, qualified, or expert in her field (even though she was) so she tried a little too hard to be professional.
“Anne,” I suggested, “I want you to think of a time when you struggled with this topic that you’re offering advice about.”
“Okay …” she responded, tentative.
“I want you to tell that story.”
“Won’t that make me lose credibility with the audience?”
“It can have the opposite effect because it can help people relate to you and your topic,” I said. “Try it.”
Needless to say, Anne did try it and her story was a hit. People were involved throughout her talk. They sat forward in their chairs; they made eye contact with her. They smiled and laughed and nodded. Afterwards, many audience members came up to speak with her. She told me that it was the best response she had received from a talk to date. Remember that people listen to the radio station WiiFM—“What’s in it for me?” If they can’t quickly tell what’s in it for them, they will tune out. The more relatable you are, the more they’ll see what’s in it for them.
If you have an inclination toward comedy, a little self-deprecating humor can also go a long way. Remember that you are looking to strike the balance between being the credible expert on your topic and being a relatable human being. Comics need to be 100 percent relatable so they can use as much self-deprecating humor as they like. Experts need to be seen as authorities as well, so throw in some self-deprecating humor if you like, but keep it to a minimum, with maybe a few jokes in a 45-minute presentation. A little joking will enhance the perception of your confidence (we need to be confident to make fun of ourselves), but a lot will undermine the perception of your confidence (if we put ourselves down every other sentence, we will seem insecure).
Be universally relatable
There are some things that people can relate to universally. Certain facial expressions (such as the Duchenne smile) are experienced the same way across cultures. Sunshine tends to make people feel good. Salespeople who smile more and are optimistic (your mind-set gets reflected in your behavior) tend to be more successful.
Incorporate relatable topics into your communications on two levels: First, incorporate things that are relatable on a human level. This builds a sense of human connection, understanding, and trust and serves as a foundation for relationships. Second, incorporate things that are particularly relatable to your audience. This builds your credibility, provides value, and enhances business relationships. Let’s say that you own a business that provides food, laundry, and cleaning services to families with young children. Your primary audience is new mothers, and you’re a new mom yourself. You could open up great discussions with your audience such as:
Universal Level
• Blog post title. “How I Created 10 Extra Minutes in My Day”
• Tweet. Breakthrough ways to be more healthy and happy in this article …
• Facebook status update. Didn’t get my morning cup of coffee today. Will I survive until lunch?
Audience Level
• Blog post title. “When a 10-Minute Shower Feels Like a Caribbean Getaway”
• Tweet. Wow the kids are napping at the same time! There’s so much to do, someone will surely be up by the time I decide.
• Facebook status update. What dinner has just 5 ingredients and 3 servings of veggies that kids will love? Find out on my blog …
Another common but very effective way to provide universally relatable material is by using quotes. When I began my Facebook page, my online business manager, Raven Howard, helped me create a quote contest. Hundreds of people posted quotes on the wall. At the end, we sent out a link to download a PDF with all of the quotes. Even though we’ve all heard and seen quotes a million times, we can’t help but to like them. Good quotes are relatable and inspiring. They are a great way to share a deep concept succinctly, and are often retweeted on Twitter. Just don’t overdo your use of quotes because it’s more important to share your original ideas. Quotes can be a great way to begin a presentation, blog post, or article (or chapter, as you see in this book and many others), because they tend to be relatable and put people into an open, curious, and inspired mind-set.