CHAPTER
12

Overcoming Perfectionism

In This Chapter

• Understanding the need to be perfect
• Identifying perfectionist behaviors
• How to stop seeing the world in black and white
• How perfectionism can cause procrastination

Striving for excellence is an admirable trait. It propels you to do your best. But there is a fine line between striving for excellence and the need to be perfect. In this chapter you will learn what perfectionism is, how it can negatively impact your life, and strategies to lessen your expectations while still trying to do your best.

Defining Perfectionism

Perfectionism is placing pressure on yourself to meet exceedingly high standards. Having goals and standards is important. People without goals often don’t get much accomplished; they work hard but feel like they are spinning their wheels. This is because they haven’t created a goal or an end result. They don’t know what they are working toward and therefore don’t know when they have achieved it. On the other hand, having extremely high standards means nothing is ever good enough. Trying to achieve perfection can cause frustration, anxiety, and depression.

DEFINITION

Perfectionism is having self-imposed, extremely high standards and constantly working to attain these standards, even when it interferes with your ability to do the task or other areas of your life.

Imagine you are completing a report for work. You spend several hours compiling the information. You want to make sure it is correct and spend hours double-checking the research you already completed. You then ask a co-worker to check your work, just to make sure there aren’t any errors. When you receive it back, you do the research again, checking for mistakes. Your boss gave you one day to complete the report, but because you needed to check the work repeatedly, you took three. Your boss is upset that the report was not completed on time. Although your work may have been perfect, it didn’t matter because you didn’t turn it in when it was needed.

You could be a perfectionist in everything you do or have high standards in only a few areas of your life. For example, suppose you play baseball. You are passionate about the sport and want to win every game. You spend hours practicing hitting and throwing the ball. You expect your teammates to do the same and are annoyed when they don’t even show up for practice. You blame yourself if your team loses, believing if you had hit the ball farther or run a little faster you would have won. You spend even more time practicing after a loss. Because of the time you spend on baseball, your work and relationships suffer. All of your goals center on being a perfect baseball player.

Perfectionism comes with a cost. You devote a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to reach unrealistic goals. Although you may be doing some or most things well, perfectionism will take a toll. The following are some of the ways perfectionism can negatively affect your life:

• You lack free time.
• You neglect some areas of your life.
• Achievements feel empty or do not satisfy you.
• You blame yourself when things don’t go right or the way you want them done.
• You blame others when things aren’t done “the right way” or your way.
• You don’t believe others can do the job as well as you.
• You waste time by doing things several times to make sure they are done correctly.
• You feel others judge you if things are not perfect.
• You constantly worry about not being good enough.
• You procrastinate or avoid doing things because you don’t think you will do them perfectly.

STOP AND THINK

Perfectionism has been shown to have both negative and positive effects on your health. When you use perfectionism to provide motivation to succeed, it has a positive effect on health. However, when you believe others are judging you as perfect or not perfect, there is a negative effect and results in a higher risk of developing physical illness.

It is important to set goals and to have high standards. However, if your quest for excellence interferes with other parts of your life or causes you frustration and anxiety, you need to learn ways to scale back your expectations.

Your Turn: Are You a Perfectionist?

Read the following statements and think about how they apply to you. Respond with always, frequently, rarely, or never.

1. Making mistakes always causes problems.
2. I spend so much time making sure I complete tasks correctly that I often don’t have time to finish the rest of my work or do other things.
3. I feel it is important to do things right the first time.
4. I avoid doing tasks I don’t think I can do perfectly.
5. I believe other people think badly of me if things are not done right.
6. I need to do everything well, even those things that I know I am not good at.
7. When I do accomplish something, I don’t think it is enough. I always think there is something more I could have done.

If you responded “always” or “frequently” to most of the statements, chances are you have problems with perfectionism.

Perfectionist Thought Patterns

Problematic thought patterns are inaccurate ways of interpreting the world around you. Many of the common ones are listed in Chapter 2. Those common in perfectionism include the following:

Black-and-White Thinking

Everything is either good or bad. You don’t see any grey area. Therefore, if a situation is not perfect, it is unacceptable. Some examples of this type of thinking pattern in perfectionism include the following:

• If it isn’t perfect, it is a failure.
• If I can’t do it perfectly, I might as well not try at all.
• I am either a loser or a winner; I’m either successful or a failure.

Catastrophizing

Every problem ends in disaster. You believe any little mistake is unacceptable. Some examples of this type of thinking in perfectionism include the following:

• If I make a mistake, everyone will think I am stupid.
• I can’t handle the humiliation of making a mistake.

GIVE IT A TRY

Do something badly. Go out, try something new and intentionally fail at it. Learn from your mistake. You should learn two things: one, how to do it better, and two, nothing happened. You didn’t die, you didn’t stop breathing, everyone didn’t stand in a circle around you, pointing and laughing. Life went on. Go on, go out and do something badly.

Personalization and Blame

Everything that goes wrong is your fault or you blame others because they didn’t live up to your high standards. You say things like this:

• We would have won the baseball game if I had practiced more during the week.
• We would have won the baseball game if the other players took it seriously and showed up for practice.
• Why can’t my employees just listen to me and do things correctly?
• I am better off doing everything myself; others are just lazy and stupid.

“Should” and “Must”

Everyone needs to live up to your high standards and you are frustrated and angry when they don’t. You feel guilty if you do not do everything exactly right. This type of thinking may lead to statements such as the following:

• Mistakes are bad; I should never make a mistake.
• I should always make sure my work is perfect before I hand it in.
• Everyone should work as hard as I do; I work over the weekends, why shouldn’t they?

Mind Reading

You assume other people follow the same rules as you do. You feel angry when other people live by different rules. You lack empathy and consideration for how others think.

• My co-workers don’t check emails over the weekends and evenings—what is wrong with them?
• My friend didn’t invite my husband to join in; I would never do such a thing. She is rude and inconsiderate.

Adding Flexibility to Your Life

You have certain “rules” you live by. These might include, “It is important to be kind to others,” or “Lying is wrong.” You follow these rules most of the time but also understand that they are flexible. You might not be kind to people every moment of every day and yet you still consider yourself a kind person. Rules such as these are important and usually are helpful in your life. The rules become unhelpful when they are rigid or inflexible; for example, you might think you are a failure if you do not follow a rule exactly.

Revising Rigid Rules

Think about your expectations for yourself and others. Do you have high expectations? Do you get hurt, angry, anxious, or disappointed when things don’t go your way? Is it difficult for you to revise your goals and expectations when they seem unreasonable or unattainable? If you have a hard time doing so or find you are judging others for not living up to your standards, you probably need to revise the rules you live by.

CBTIDBIT

When trying to be more flexible or to see something from a different perspective, change your physical environment. Go for a walk, sit in a different chair, or move to a different room. Sometimes, literally changing your perspective helps you think differently.

Rigid rule: Others should not ask personal questions until they get to know me better.

Flexible rule: Sometimes people ask personal questions as a way to get to know me.

Rigid rule: Everyone should work as hard as I do.

Flexible rule: It is my choice to work this hard. Others can make their own decisions.

Rigid rule: I cannot make a mistake or I will look foolish.

Flexible rule: Everyone makes mistakes. It is okay if I make a mistake.

Rigid rule: I must do everything completely and perfectly before letting someone else see it.

Flexible rule: It is okay to show someone a draft or a work in progress.

When you find yourself feeling disappointed in your own behavior or the behavior of others, think about your expectations. Is it rigid or flexible? Write down your rule and then create a more flexible version of the rule. The ABCD charts you completed in previous chapters can help you discover your rigid rules and modify your expectations and thoughts.

Perfectionist Behavior Checklist

Perfectionism shows up in your behaviors, leaving you feeling overwhelmed. Review the following statements and check off any behaviors that are relevant in your life:

STOP AND THINK

Perfectionism often interferes with relationships. Your need to be perfect puts you at odds with your partner. You need to be the best, sometimes creating a rivalry between the two of you. You also demand perfection in others, making your partner strive to live up to your unrealistic expectations—and always fall short.

These are some examples of perfectionist behaviors. You might notice others in your life. When you find yourself behaving in these ways, stop and ask yourself if you are doing so because you are trying to meet your extremely high standards. If so, try to modify your behaviors to reflect thinking that is more flexible.

Introduce Shades of Grey into Your Life

Problematic thinking that leads to perfectionism usually contains absolutes. You think that something must be done a certain way or it is wrong; you believe that if you don’t do something perfectly, it isn’t worth doing. Changing perfectionism doesn’t mean giving up on your standards, it means introducing shades of grey into your life.

Perfectionism may not show up in all areas of your life and may not interfere with some areas as much as others. To start, consider where consider where your quest for perfection is causing the most problems. For example:

• Do you have trouble getting things accomplished at work accomplished because you want everything to be perfect?
• Is your relationship in trouble because you expect your partner to do everything your way?
• Do you exercise or diet constantly because you need to have a perfect body?
• Do you neglect certain parts of your life because you spend too much time on others? What are those areas where you spend too much time?

Once you decide where you want to start, think about the standards that are the most important to you. Remember, the goal is not to settle but to limit your standards to things that really matter.

Your Turn: Shades of Grey

Make a short list of your expectations for a given task. Once you meet those standards, stop and let go of any unwritten standards. This prevents you from wasting times seeking the “best” or “most perfect thing.” For example, suppose you are shopping for a pair of running shoes. Make a list of three important features you want in your new shoes. You might want…

• Proper fit.
• Good for cross training.
• No more than $60.00.

Keep your short list with you when you shop. Once you find a pair of shoes that fit your criteria, buy the shoes and end your shopping trip. Don’t go into several more stores to see if you can find a better pair. You know you have a product that meets your high criteria. You are not settling, you are just preventing yourself from wasting time “making it perfect.” Follow this example to limit your criteria instead of reaching for the impossible.

CBTIDBIT

Limiting your choices requires you to choose between what is available rather than endlessly searching for the perfect choice. For example, if you agonize each morning trying to find the perfect outfit to wear to work, try taking out several outfits on Sunday evening. In the morning, choose from one of these outfits rather than going through all of your clothes.

Cost-Benefit Analysis

At first, lessening your expectations feels uncomfortable. You fight the urge to continue to live up to your high standards. You might find it helpful to list ways that a particular high standard has had negative consequences in your life. In the preceding example, you might write down these things:

• Spent my entire day going from shoe store to shoe store.
• Wasted gas driving around.
• Spent extra money buying coffee and lunch to keep my energy up.
• Missed out on getting together with friends because I was so wrapped up in shopping.
• Ended up going over my budget.

Reminding yourself of the negative consequences of your perfectionism keeps you motivated to change. Reward yourself, even if it is a virtual pat on the back, each time you follow your new standard. Remember, everyone makes mistakes, so if you slip and go to one extra shoe store, don’t judge yourself, just review your goals and commitment to change and start again.

Procrastination and Perfectionism

If you are a perfectionist, you might avoid doing things that you can’t do perfectly. You prefer not to do something than to fail at doing it. You procrastinate.

IMAGINE THAT

Approach avoidance is a classic perfectionist pattern. You start with a bang, putting forth strong effort and energy and then fizzle out. For example, when a college student starts a new semester, he starts with a vengeance, staying up late, completing every assignment. By the end of the semester, he avoids studying, skips classes and doesn’t bother showing up for the final exam.

Imagine you have to complete a report for work. There is no specific deadline but you know your boss is waiting for it. Yet, you keep putting off starting. It is a project you don’t have much interest in and don’t think is important. Still, you want it to be perfect; anything less is a failure. Day after day you avoid starting the report. You think, “Maybe it is better to not do it at all than to a basic job.” When you find yourself avoiding a task, ask yourself these questions:

• Am I striving for excellence or demanding perfection?
• Is the result going to matter in my life next month, next year, five years from now?
• Do I want to do well because this is something that matters to me or because I want others to think well of me?
• What is the worst thing that could happen? How am I going to manage that?

Use the following strategies to help you deal with procrastination:

Create a clear beginning to your project. Select an exact time to start instead of waiting until you “feel like doing something.”

Set a specific ending time. Don’t allow yourself to review or redo tasks to make them better. End at the time you set.

Use a timer. Give yourself a specific amount of time to work on a task and set the timer to go off five minutes before to warn you time is almost up. Then reset it to go off at the ending time. When the second timer rings, stop working.

These strategies might feel uncomfortable at first. You might worry about the quality of your work. With practice, it gets easier to not double check or redo tasks.

Your Turn: Taking One Step at a Time

When working toward a goal, it is beneficial to break it down into steps. The stepladder approach outlined in Chapter 5 works well for overcoming perfectionism. Start with the top and bottom rung of the ladder. On the bottom rung, list your perfectionism behavior you want to change. On the top rung, write down your goal—how you want your behavior to look. Create intermediate goals on each rung. Suppose you check your work three times and have a co-worker check it once before handing it in, your ladder may look like:

Check work once and hand it in.

Check work twice and hand it in

Check work twice and have co-worker check it

Check work three times and have co-worker check it

Rather than trying to reach your goal in one step, you have a plan of action. Depending on your goal, your ladder may have more or fewer steps. Remember, when you first begin, you might feel some anxiety. Hang in there and resist the urge to resort back to your perfectionism behaviors. If you do give in, you might find it even more difficult next time.

The Least You Need to Know

• Perfectionism is created from self-imposed standards.
• Categorizing things as “good” or “bad” leads to perfectionism.
• Consider the costs of perfectionism to find motivation to change.
• Procrastination is sometimes the result of perfectionism.
• Limiting your expectations can help you manage perfectionist tendencies.