CHAPTER
18

Controlling Anger

In This Chapter

• The roots of anger
• How to stop blame and defensiveness in your thinking
• How to know if you have a problem with anger
• Accepting frustration as a part of life

Anger is a normal response to a perceived threat. Anger is energizing, and, when used in a constructive way, it helps you right a wrong. When used in destructive ways, anger eats away at your self-confidence and creates problems in your life. This chapter will help you determine if you have a problem with anger and teach you strategies to lower your anger levels.

What Is Anger?

Anger is a normal human emotion that everyone feels from time to time. It can occur when you feel stressed or when someone infringes on your rights, threatens you, disappoints you, or takes advantage of you. It can range from annoyance to uncontrolled rage. Anger can give you a burst of energy and propel you to make positive changes in your life, but it can also create problems in relationships and at work.

Understanding Your Anger

Every day, things happen and your anger flares—your boss asks you to stay late to finish a report, your partner doesn’t take the trash out, a driver cuts you off, a cashier is rude. It’s easy to assume these events caused you to become angry. However, it is not the events themselves that made you angry; your interpretation of these stressful events is what caused the anger. Each of us has core beliefs, as discussed in Chapter 3, and these beliefs create automatic thoughts. Those thoughts drive your reaction to the event. By identifying and changing those thoughts, you can control your reaction—and lessen your feelings of anger.

DEFINITION

Automatic thoughts are thoughts that are involuntarily generated. They are an internal reaction to situations and events and may contain errors in logic.

Your Turn: Creating an Anger Log

An anger log is a place for you to record your thoughts and feelings about specific situations. As you look over your log, you should start to see the relationship between them. This gives you information to better manage similar situations in the future.

Divide a paper into three columns (we’ll add additional columns later as we continue through the process). Label your columns:

• My Pain/Stressors
• What Happened
• What I Thought

You may not be aware of your automatic thoughts at first, but as you continue to do this exercise, these thoughts will become more apparent. Start by completing as much as you can each time you feel annoyed, irritated, or angry.

Here’s a sample scenario: You came home from a long day at work. Your partner, Justin, had the day off from work and had planned to be home all day. As you walked in the door, you saw a complete mess. There were dishes in the sink and clothes on floor. Justin was sitting on the couch watching television. Your temper immediately flared.

Your anger log would look like this:

Rather than reacting immediately, try to take a few minutes to complete your anger log as soon as you feel irritated or angry. Many times your emotions change as the situation changes and you want to be sure to capture the thoughts that first pop in your head. As you go through the different exercises in this chapter, we will refer to your log and ask you to add to it.

Completing the anger log helps you focus on the thoughts behind your emotions. You can then look for distortions in your thinking and challenge your thoughts.

CBTIDBIT

Review your anger diary after completing it for at least a week; look for automatic thoughts that resemble the types of thought processes and try to put each into one category. Then use the strategies to counterattack the past situation.

Causes of Anger

In Chapter 2, we talked about different types of problematic thought processes. A few of these—intention, blame, and defensiveness—usually cause anger.

Problematic Thought Process: Intention; you assume a purposeful and harmful intent behind an action.

• Your friend is late for lunch and you assume your friendship isn’t important.
• Your husband doesn’t take out the trash and you assume he is being inconsiderate.
• Your boss is in a bad mood and you assume he isn’t happy with your work.

Counterstrategy: Depersonalize the act.

Ask yourself, “What are some other reasons that explain the actions of others?”

New thoughts:

• Maybe he got caught in traffic.
• Maybe he has an important meeting that he is worried about and forgot to take out the trash.
• Maybe he is upset because he didn’t sleep well the night before.

Problematic Thought Process: Blame; you place the blame on someone else instead of accepting responsibility.

• You blame the taxi driver when you are late for a meeting.
• You blame your co-worker for a report being late.
• You blame your husband for spending too much money.

Counterstrategy: Take responsibility.

Ask yourself, “What about this situation is my responsibility?”

New thoughts:

• I didn’t allow enough time to get across town.
• I need to give my co-worker at least four days to complete the report or clear her plate of other tasks.
• I need to look at my own spending habits first.

Problematic Thought Process: Defensiveness; you believe everything should be done your way and are not able to accept that there are different ways of doing things.

• Your boss wants you to redo a report to make it more comprehensive. You think, “What a tyrant!”
• Your friend suggests a different route to drive when going out to dinner. You think, “She’s wrong; my way would be much faster.”
• Your husband comments on how he thinks the house could be cleaner. You think, “He is telling me I am not a good wife.”

Counterstrategy: Practice empathy.

Ask yourself, “What ideas and experiences does the other person bring to this situation? Why is this person expressing themselves?”

New thoughts:

• My boss has more experience than I do in completing these reports. His changes will improve the report and help me improve my work performance.
• I always take the same route; it will be good to know more than one way to the restaurant.
• I can see that the house could be tidier. I’ll talk to my husband about setting up a regular cleaning schedule that we work on together.

STOP AND THINK

When someone criticizes you or makes a complaint, you can choose how to respond. Although you may want to get defensive, try thinking about what the other person has said. Identify the information in the request and repeat it back to them. This acknowledges the complaint and forces you to consider the other person’s point of view.

There might be times that you feel your anger is justified; someone did something wrong and you have every right to be angry. Imagine you came home from work to find your son playing video games. You had specifically left instructions for him to mow the lawn, take out the trash, and clean up his room. None of this was done, and even worse, the kitchen is now a mess with his dishes from breakfast and lunch. He has obviously spent the entire day eating, watching television, and playing video games. You are fuming.

When a situation such as this happens, it is important to remember that while you can’t control the other person’s actions, you can control your response. Sometimes anger boils up so quickly you feel as if you have no control over it. Remember that you can control your reaction. Before blowing up at your son, take a few minutes to cool down and review the situation. Ask yourself these questions:

• How important will this be in an hour, tomorrow, next week, or next year?
• Is this worth being angry and ruining my entire evening?
• What steps can I take to resolve the situation?

You might decide that the television and video games are turned off until the chores are completed. You might decide that you will give your son another chance tomorrow to complete the chores, but make it clear that the television and video games are off-limits until the work is done. You might take other privileges, such as his cell phone, away until he proves he can follow your instructions. You might decide in the future he needs to text you pictures of the completed chores before he is allowed to watch television or play video games.

Listing the steps you can take helps you feel back in control and can reduce the overwhelming feelings of anger. If this doesn’t work, remove yourself from the situation by going for a walk, doing some exercise, listening to some music, or enjoying some activity you find relaxing. Once you have calmed down, look at the situation again and come up with steps to resolve it.

Your Turn: Criticism, Complaint, or Request?

When someone makes a complaint or request, do you jump to conclusions, sure he or she is criticizing what you have done or haven’t done? The following exercise helps you look at complaints and requests from both sides—yours and theirs.

Let’s practice dealing with criticisms and complaints as requests and information. Divide a paper into two columns. In the first column are your automatic thoughts and in the second are different ways of looking at the situation. Imagine you come home from work and your wife wants you to cut the grass.

Or, imagine that your boss hands you a report to complete at 4 P.M. on a Friday afternoon.

Instead of jumping to conclusions based on your automatic thoughts, this exercise gives you time to sit down, look at the situation from a different perspective, and find a solution. It helps you to move from anger to problem solving.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Anger

Anger itself is neither healthy nor unhealthy. The frequency, intensity, and expression of your anger determine whether it is constructive or destructive. Healthy anger is milder, occurs less often, and is used to solve problems and set boundaries for yourself. It is expressed, discussed, worked through, and then let go.

Some people have trouble controlling their anger, letting it boil over and explode. They use their anger to control, intimidate, manipulate, or punish others. Unhealthy anger is out of proportion to the situation and usually lasts longer than necessary for the problem. Unhealthy anger occurs more frequently than healthy anger. Frequent or intense anger is not healthy because it hurts your immune systems, increases blood pressure, and sets you up to be angry repeatedly.

Look for some of these ways that unhealthy anger is communicated.

• Yelling
• Screaming
• Fighting
• Blaming
• Threats
• Violence
• Retaliating
• Holding grudges
• Ending relationships
• Punishing others

When you express your anger in these ways, your needs might be met in the short term but you usually end up alienating those around you or causing conflict in your relationships. You might have legal problems because of fights or property destruction. Once you calm down, you might regret what you did or said; even so, when anger strikes again, you react the same way.

Not expressing your anger is also unhealthy. You bottle it up inside, never telling anyone how you feel. Suppressed anger has been associated with high blood pressure, heart disease, and cancer.

When you manage your anger in healthy ways, you use it as a guide to tell you something is wrong. It is your way of noticing disappointment or injustice. Suppose your children are playing outside. A car speeds down the street. You get angry. “What is that car doing? What a jerk! Don’t they know there are children playing? That is so dangerous!” You have a choice. You can react by running after the car, yelling and waving your arms although this probably isn’t going to solve anything. You can take positive action, getting involved in your community and working with the police to have signs and speed bumps placed on the street. You can use your anger to create change. Expressing anger in this way helps you feel more in control of your life.

Your Turn: How Angry Are You?

Review the behaviors on the chart, and rate the frequency and the intensity of each on a scale of 0 to 5, with 5 being very frequent or very intense. Add up your score for each column.

Total score of 0–22: You are probably able to manage your anger within reasonable limits. You might still benefit from the skills in this chapter and learn helpful ways of handling frustrating situations.

Total score of 23–44: You probably have some anger management problems and need to learn how to manage your reactions differently.

Total score of 45–55: It is most likely you have an anger management problem and need to use the skills in this chapter to help you manage your reactions.

Common Hot Buttons

Hot buttons are situations that trigger certain attitudes, which, in turn, cause anger. While each person has hot buttons specific to his or her life and past experiences, there are some common themes that underlie most people’s triggers. You can combat hot button triggers by using coping statements, short declarations that help you manage difficult situations.

DEFINITION

Coping statements are short statements that provide help for attitudes and problematic thinking processes. They are used to counterattack triggers. When you practice using these statements, your brain automatically remembers them and creates new mental habits and reflexes.

Let’s look at some examples of hot button triggers along with the associated attitudes and some suggested coping statements to help deal with the situation.

Situation 1: Things don’t go your way.

Attitude: You feel entitled to your desires and become annoyed when other people prevent you from getting what you want.

Coping statements: “I have my wants and needs but others are entitled to disagree or say no. I need to respect their right to do that.” “I have my needs but others have needs, too.”

Example: You’re passed over for a promotion at work. Instead of thinking, “How dare they; they backstabbed me,” practice acceptance. “Everyone at work wants to get ahead. The person who got the promotion deserves it as much as I do.”

Situation 2: Something is unfair or you are being taken advantage of.

Attitude: You believe everything should be fair, and if things are not just you feel the need to correct it.

Coping Statements: “I see fairness based on my perspective; other people are entitled to their perspective.” “Fairness is subjective. Others have a right to see things according to their own ideas, principles, and expectations.” “Life is not always fair; that is something I need to accept.” “Not every battle is worth fighting.”

Example: Your friend purchases an expensive necklace. You feel angry and jealous and think, “It’s so unfair; I can barely pay my rent.” Instead, practice acceptance. “Not everything in life is fair; I’m sure she has her battles, too. It isn’t for me to say how she should spend her money.”

Situation 3: Someone lets you down or doesn’t do what you expected.

Attitude: You assume others are intentionally trying to harm you or don’t care about your needs.

Coping statements: “No one is perfect; not everyone behaves the way I would.” “When someone doesn’t do something that I expect, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about my needs. Others have their own needs and at times they might compete with my needs.”

Example: Your partner forgets your birthday and you assume it means he doesn’t love you and is trying to hurt your feelings. Instead, think: “I know he is not good about remembering social events. I can help him out and remind him my birthday is approaching rather than setting him up to feel guilty.”

Situation 4: Others around you make the same mistakes over and over.

Attitude: You believe that you need to change them. You think if you try hard enough, yell at them, or complain enough, you will eventually whip them into shape.

Coping statement: “Other people have their own methods and limits. Demanding they change without understanding their motivation and limitations only leads to dead ends.”

Example: Your employee keeps handing in his reports in an incoherent manner. You think, “What an incompetent idiot; why he is so defiant?” Instead, try thinking, “Apparently he does not understand what I want in this report. I will set up a time for us to go over exactly how to complete these reports.”

GIVE IT A TRY

Think about a recent situation that made you upset. Write down a short description of the situation. Ask yourself: What can I do to change my perception of the situation? Then write a coping statement.

Reframe Your Emotion

Some of the most common problematic thinking processes in anger are personalization and labeling. When you label situations, others, or yourself using extreme language, you can escalate your anger and mood. Behaviors such as cursing, calling others names, or exaggerating the negativity (“This is awful!” “I have never been treated so poorly!”) make the situation worse rather than better. Instead of living in disbelief, try to accept the situation.

When going through a difficult situation, write down the descriptive words you use. Replace the words with more objective or moderate descriptions. Repeat your original statement using the new words and see if the level of intensity of your emotion decreases.

Original statement: “I can’t believe he forgot my birthday! What a jerk! I am furious!”

New statement: “He forgot my birthday. This is disappointing. I’m annoyed.”

Original statement: “I can’t believe my doorman lost my package; what an idiot! What a disaster. I am so upset. I need to report him.”

New statement: “My doorman lost my package. The delivery system is not perfect at my office. This is frustrating. I need to call and file a claim.”

Accept Fallibility in Yourself and Others

You know you are not a perfect person. You know you make mistakes and you know you have faults—you just prefer not to think about them. You prefer to push them to the back of your mind. After all, when you think about your faults you must either think you are a terrible person or you must commit to change. Ignoring your faults is much easier. Even so, you expect others to see and own their faults. You expect them to take responsibility for their mistakes and when they don’t, you get angry.

Disarming your anger starts with accepting that you are fallible, along with everyone else. Once you do this, you can see the triggers listed in the previous section from a different perspective. Suppose your partner forgets your birthday. You are angry because he hasn’t lived up to your expectation. You assume that he is an inconsiderate person and does not deserve you. However, if you see your partner as fallible, then the situation and your perception of it changes. “He is forgetful but he shows me how much he loves me in other ways. I have forgotten things before and wanted people to understand. I should understand when he is forgetful.”

CBTIDBIT

When you catch yourself judging other people, stop and immediately find one thing you like about the other person. Praise them for that quality. This makes you stop and look at the person differently and changes your perception.

When you are angry, you judge others. You perceive them as inconsiderate, rude, unfeeling, or unfair. You become angry because they are not behaving the way you think is appropriate. For example, suppose you are talking to a co-worker when another co-worker comes along and interrupts the conversation. You think he is being rude. What your attitude really implies is, “He should behave the way I would.” If you judge yourself first, and remember that you interrupt sometimes or do other things people may not like, then you are more apt to see his behavior differently. Remember, you can’t force anyone to change. You must change your behavior and your reaction.

Your Turn: Judge Yourself First

Try to catch yourself placing a label on someone. You probably do this many times throughout the day without even thinking about it. Pay attention and listen to how often you judge others. Stop and judge yourself instead. Place a label on your reaction. For example, when a co-worker interrupts your conversation, you might write that you are being impatient. Maybe he has an emergency or something important that needs to be discussed immediately. This exercise helps you focus on your own behavior rather than on other people’s behaviors.

Increase Your Frustration Tolerance

Do you get annoyed over the small details? Do you find yourself irritated every time something goes wrong? You might have what is called a low frustration tolerance. This is usually caused because you catastrophize or overgeneralize about being frustrated. You think being frustrated is going to be terrible. You try to avoid any type of frustration.

When you have a low frustration tolerance you demand that everything is the way you want it to be. You don’t see problems as inconvenient or see levels of problems, such as “this is a small problem; it shouldn’t take much to get it cleared up.” Instead, every problem is a catastrophe. When you have a low frustration tolerance, you…

• Seek activities that give you immediate pleasure.
• Spend your time trying to avoid pain.
• Complain.
• Become distressed over small setbacks.
• Are overly concerned about fairness.
• Tend to compare your circumstances to other people’s circumstances.

People with low frustration tolerance have a higher risk of addiction or other impulsive behaviors such as unsafe sex or overspending. They tend to have a “short fuse,” becoming angry quickly when things go wrong.

When frustrated about a specific problem, write about it. Use one of the following viewpoints to see the situation from different perspectives.

• Write a letter to your best friend describing the situation and the steps you plan to take to improve it.
• Imagine you are alone on a desert island. Write a letter describing the situation and how your life improved once you solved it. You are going to put into a bottle and throw into the sea for a potential rescuer to read.
• Write a letter to yourself from the future. View the situation from one month, one year, and three years from now. Describe the situation and how you resolved it.
• Write a worst case scenario describing the absolute worst that could happen. Think about the physical and emotional problems that might ensue if the problem continues. Imagine what life will be like after the worst possible solution occurs.

Once you look at the problem from a different perspective, it probably doesn’t seem as bad as it originally did.

Your Turn: Raise Your Frustration Tolerance

You can use the ABCDEF chart to analyze your frustration and come up with ways to change your reaction.

A: Activating Event

B: Beliefs

C: Consequences

D: Problematic Thinking Processes

E: New Thoughts

F: Coping Statement

Let’s look at an example.

A: My supervisor criticized me in front of my co-workers.

B: It was very unfair. She should have talked to me in private instead of treating me like a child. It was so embarrassing; everyone was looking at me. I can’t deal with someone treating me without respect.

C: I was angry the rest of day. I couldn’t concentrate and didn’t get much work done. I want to quit.

D: Personalization and blame, “should” and “must,” emotional reasoning

E: I would have preferred she talked to me in private, but she doesn’t have to do things the way I want. I would prefer to be treated with respect, but sometimes that isn’t going to happen. I was uncomfortable and embarrassed, but it was not the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am sure no one is judging me; after all, other people get reprimanded at work and I don’t judge them.

F: I would prefer not to be annoyed but be able to let it go and not carry anger with me all day. If I get in trouble at work, it isn’t the end of the world.

When thinking about your desired behavior or reaction, avoid replacing an intensely negative emotion with an intensely positive emotion. Instead, work on moving to a more moderate reaction. Use the emotion levels and alternate words described in Chapter 4. For example, instead of “furious,” try “annoyed.”

The Least You Need to Know

• Anger is neither good nor bad; it is the frequency, the intensity, and your expression of your anger that is either positive or destructive in your life.
• When someone criticizes or complains about your behavior, reword it to think of it as a request rather than a demand.
• Unhealthy anger might give you short-term relief but often causes problems in the long term.
• Low frustration tolerance comes from catastrophizing and overgeneralizing situations.