If you ask a lot of people what they want in life, they say, ‘Oh, just to be happy I guess’. Same goes if you ask what they want for their children, ‘I don’t mind what they do as long as they are happy’. You’d be better off wishing that you or your children could be astronauts or brain surgeons – at least you’re in with a sporting chance then. You can train. They can qualify.

Happiness is such an illusory thing that spending too much time chasing it is not very worthwhile. Happiness is one end of a spectrum – misery being the other end. It is a state of extreme, just as misery represents the other end. If you check back at the times in your life when you’ve been happy – or thought you might have been – I’ll bet there were other extreme feelings involved. The birth of a child? Excitement yes. Wonder yes. Relief at a successful birth. Yes. But happiness? I’m not sure.

People think they’ll be happy on holiday when they mean relaxed or stimulated or freed from their cares – and indeed they are. Aiming for happiness is one of those ‘bigger is best’ things. You’re never going to make it because there is no top- end limit. You just have to go on aiming for even bigger all the time. Instead of aiming for happy, it’s better to aim for contentment. Now that’s attainable. That’s a worthy goal.

This applies especially to relationships – both to the quest to find Mr or Mrs Right and in what happens when you do. Most of us want to fall madly head-over-heels in love. Big chemistry – fireworks, butterflies, unbelievable feelings. It’s brilliant. It’s extreme. But that intensity can’t and won’t last. You have to go back to reality sometime. You have to get on with your life. No one can live at that intensity, that lofty altitude all the time. Contentment is what you hope for after the elation has worn off and you settle back into a relaxed and happy simplicity. In fact, contentment is the worthier aim, because it lasts.

And so if you find you are with somebody where there is no big firework display, palpitations and extreme feelings but there is a baseline contentment and warmth and love – be happy with that.