It’s a funny old thing but we often fall in love with someone because they are independent, forceful, powerful, in charge, in control and very much out in the world. Then, the second we’ve captured them, so to speak, we try to change them. We come over all jealous if they carry on being as independent; as if being in a relationship with us somehow limits them, ties them down, cuts their wings off.

Before we met them, they managed quite well without us. The second we meet them, we start giving them advice, restricting their choices, limiting their vision and dreams, curtailing their freedom. We need to stand back and give them the freedom to be themselves.

A lot of people say that the magic of their relationship has worn off, that there is no sparkle there any more and that they have grown apart. And then when you look into it a bit more deeply you find two people locked in a symbiotic relationship of mistrust, oppression and niggling encroachment. They don’t give each other any space at all, let alone space to be themselves.

So what can we do? Firstly stand back and see your partner as they were when you first met them. What attracted you? What was special about them? What turned you on?

Now look at them. What is different? What has gone and what has been replaced? Are they still the same independent person or have you eroded their space, confidence, independence, vitality? Maybe not, that seems a bit harsh, but unconsciously we do tend to rein them in a bit and they do lose their sparkle.

You have to encourage them to step outside the cosiness of the relationship and rediscover their energy and vitality. They may need to spend some time rediscovering their talents and skills at being independent. And you may need to sit on your hands at times to avoid reining them in again. So encourage, stand back, sit on your hands, push and be there. Tall order. Most successful relationships have an element, and a big one, of independence. Two people spend time apart to bring something back to the relationship with them. This is healthy. This is good. This is grown-up.