Chapter

11

Why Kids Lie

In This Chapter

Kids and lying go together like peanut butter and jelly. It’s part of being a kid. But it’s important to understand and be able to detect the difference between small harmless fibs and big consequential deceptions. Kids are capable of both and everything in between—just like adults—for a variety of different reasons.

In this chapter, you learn why kids lie; the motives behind their lies; and how to spot lies. We discuss when to take a lie seriously and when not to overreact, how peer pressure affects our kids, and how your parenting style may contribute to your kid’s lying.

Why Do Kids Lie?

Kids lie for all kinds of reasons. They may lie to seem smarter or dumber, depending on the audience. They may lie to seem richer, poorer, more athletic, or worldly. But there is one common thread to when kids lie: risk versus reward. Kids lie when the perceived reward for telling a lie exceeds the perceived risk of getting caught. For example, a child facing certain punishment over something may risk a lie for the possible reward of not getting punished. The greater the gap between the reward and the risk, the greater the motivation is to lie.

	YA DON’T SAY

Motivation: The What Behind the Why

To understand why kids lie so often, let’s understand why they lie at all. The answer varies with age. A preschooler may be unable to clearly distinguish between fantasy and reality. A kindergartner may lie to avoid punishment or to get a parent’s attention. Preadolescent lies tend to fall into either of these categories, with the possible addition of work avoidance. It is usually not until a child hits their teen years that dangerous lies are encountered that will keep you up at night.

The motivations for kids to lie include:

• Fear of punishment

• Personal gain

• Peer pressure

• To protect themselves from harm

• To protect someone else from harm

• Fear of embarrassment or shame

• To gain admiration or attention

	YA DON’T SAY

Fear of Punishment

Top on the list of motives for lying, for kids of all ages, is the fear of punishment—both real and perceived. Kids’ fears can stream from unrealistic parental expectations and pressure, severe punishment or threats, excessive pressures, and mental and physical injury.

Clinical psychologists have found that kids who lie excessively tend to have poor self-esteem and should be treated with care and understanding, rather than punishment. That’s not to say there should not be consequences for bad behavior, but rather that the punishment should fit the crime and be handled in a constructive way to help the child learn from the experience as opposed to worsening an already damaged self-esteem.

The signs of fear of punishment include:

• Body language angles away from parent

• Body language curls up and leans away, or curls into fetal position

• Shields face with hands and arms

• Eyes opened wide, showing whites above the pupils

• Grooming gestures—wringing of hands

• Nervousness and fidgeting

• Mouth stretched horizontally

• Dry mouth

Signs a child is in fear of punishment.

Here’s a scenario demonstrating a lie based on fear of punishment: A teen sharing homes between two divorced parents lost, not her first, or second, but third dental retainer. Afraid that her father would yell at her, the teen concocted an elaborate tale to avoid punishment. She asked her mother to take the fall and pretend that the retainer melted during disinfection—a story that turned out to be not too far from the truth, when the retainer turned up melted in the clothes dryer. In this case, the fear of punishment prompted the teen to lie and make up a story, and therefore reap the reward of avoiding her father’s wrath—either real or perceived.

Personal Gain

Kids also lie to get what they want. A student might cheat on a test to get a better grade. In this case, the reward of getting a good grade is perceived to be greater than the risk of getting caught.

When you were a kid, did you ever play one parent off of another, asking one for permission to do something and saying that the other parent said it was okay, even though that wasn’t true? Did you ever lie and say that you finished your homework, even though you hadn’t, in order to watch a favorite television show? Those are lies for personal gain. They aren’t whoppers, but you get the drift.

Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is real and getting worse, thanks to electronic media. The pressure to be thin, to be more attractive, to drive a nice car, to wear designer jeans, and to sport a celebrity hairstyle makes many teens feel insecure.

Also, the pressure among teens in America to indulge in unsafe sex, drugs, and alcohol is epidemic. Teens are joining dating websites, posting scantily dressed photos of themselves, and indulging in R- and X-rated conversations, i.e., sexting. In 2010, the FBI estimated that 20 percent of teens transmitted naked pictures of themselves by phone or online; others place the percentage at closer to 30 percent. Either way, you get the idea.

The perceived reward, in this case, is acceptance. The desire to be liked and accepted is so strong for teens they will do anything to be so. Unfortunately, the risk of these behaviors is much greater than the teen mind is developmentally capable of processing. It can result in issues becoming embarrassingly public, reputations ruined, or worst of all, lives lost. Additionally, the cyber landscape is rife with predators who prey on isolated teens. Like wolves in sheep’s clothing, they offer acceptance yet deliver degradation, guilt, captivity, and even death.

As you can imagine, particularly with regard to sexting and other teen explorations, peer (and pervert) pressure and related behaviors provide fertile ground for lies and half-truths.

Protect Themselves from Harm

In the case of bullying, kids have reported that they fear being picked on more or getting hurt by reporting it, so they opt to keep it to themselves or lie about the fact it is happening. Kids who have been physically or sexually abused often remain silent, because they fear that saying anything will only increase the abuse.

Bullying is an all-too-common problem for kids, so watch for the signs.

Abusers threaten and coerce their victims by constantly keeping them in fear. We saw this in the nationally reported Elizabeth Smart case, where the young girl was snatched from her own bedroom by a groundskeeper and held captive for months. She had many opportunities to escape, but didn’t try, fearing for her life.

Signs that a child is being bullied or abused are the following:

• Diminishing self-esteem—listen for negative emotion such as hate, despise, disgusting, kill, I’m ugly, I’m stupid, etc.

• Demand for material items

• Unhappiness

• Irritability

• Cuts and bruises

Protect Others from Harm

Kids may lie to protect friends and family. For example, a daughter coerced by her mother into stealing toiletries takes the rap for it when caught to keep her mother from going to jail.

Children have also been known to lie, in cases of abuse by a family member, for fear of breaking up the family and upsetting others.

Fear of Embarrassment or Shame

It is common for kids to lie to avoid embarrassment or shame. For instance, a new teen driver, relegated to driving Dad’s jalopy with the cracked windshield and a coat-hanger for a radio antenna, might park a few blocks from school to avoid having to defend his wretched ride to his classmates.

Upon running into a classmate unexpectedly, he might disown it, claiming it to be a loaner only, while his cooler car is in the shop.

Gain Admiration or Attention

“Mom and Dad, you won’t believe what just happened!”

When you hear this from a kid, you’re bound to be suspicious, and rightly so. It’s a setup for a stage performance. The attention-seeker and storyteller likes to be the center of attention. They can’t stand for anyone else to be in the spotlight and they’ll go to great lengths to turn the conversation back to themselves, even if they have to make something up.

These gestures indicate a child is lying to gain attention.

Signs of lying to gain admiration and praise include:

• Stories that sound too outlandish to be true

• Use of exaggerated words and phrases

• Use of large hand and arm gestures

• Talking loudly

• Giving overly descriptive detail about irrelevant facts

• Leaning forward into your space

• Looking to see if others are watching

	BODY BLOCK

White Lies

You’ve just bought some new make-up and model it for your 15-year-old daughter. You line up your purchases on the bathroom counter where they’ll be ready for you to work your magic in the morning.

The next day, your new mascara is missing. You look high and low but it’s nowhere to be found. That night, it’s back on the counter, but much closer to the edge and nowhere near where you first left it. You ask your dimpled darling if she had seen your mascara. She gives you the big eyes and says: “I didn’t touch it.”

Guilty, with a slip of the tongue. You didn’t ask if she had touched it. You asked if she had seen it. Taking your new mascara and trying to put it back without you knowing it isn’t the end of the world. Does it deserve a grounding for a week? Probably not. In this type of situation, the culprit is more embarrassed than anything, and may just be afraid to ask or let you know she’s out of mascara or would like to try yours.

Hands over the mouth are a sign a child is concealing or hiding something.

Here are more clues that your little angel may be hiding horns beneath a halo:

• Hands over mouth

• Conceals items behind their back or in their clothes

• Ditches items and dashes out of a room

• Unusually quiet

• Lays body over hidden object to conceal it

• Fidgety

If little white lies like the preceding examples go on all the time with your child, then you likely have a bigger issue on your hands to address, such as low self-esteem, communication problems, or a need for attention.

Trust, but Verify

We know that kids lie and we’ve examined the motives behind these lies. The question we must consider now is this: when should you, as a parent or responsible adult, do something about it, and when should you let it slide?

Sometimes parents and adults need to reexamine whether they are setting themselves up to be lied to. Being too harsh or having unrealistic demands and expectations of your children can drive kids to lie.

	BODY BLOCK

It’s a fine line. Kids are eager to please and they have a habit of telling adults what they think we want to hear. On the other hand, your kids may be withholding that they’re being bullied or that they’re having self-esteem issues. Keep a close watch and find time to talk to your kids—and don’t believe every word they say. Trust, but verify, as President Ronald Reagan was fond of saying. Look for anything that appears different or off; often there is stuff going on that you may have no clue about.

The Kelly Conundrum

A teenager named Kelly doesn’t come home at curfew. It’s 10 o’clock on a school night. Kelly said she was going to the movies with her friend Lisa. Kelly’s mom tries her cell phone and it goes straight to voicemail. She calls Lisa, who says, “I haven’t seen her all day.”

Kelly’s mom calls every one of her daughter’s friends that she has phone numbers for. No luck. She thinks about calling the hospitals but decides the police are a better option.

It’s now 10:45, and as Kelly’s mom stands in the kitchen, phone in hand, dialing 911, guess who saunters in? Emotionally exhausted, Kelly’s mom struggles with whether to hug her daughter or throttle her. Through tears of anger and relief she manages: “Where were you?”

Kelly responds, “I told you, I was with Lisa. The movie got over late, and we stopped at McDonald’s on the way home.”

Anger surges ahead of relief for Kelly’s mom: “Excuse me? I just spoke to Lisa, and she told me she hadn’t seen you all day!”

Kelly’s deer-in-the-headlights look says it all as she angles her body toward her bedroom door, in hope of escape from hearing the inevitable, “You’re grounded!”

Kelly’s eyes begin to flutter; her mouth becomes dry; she runs a hand through her hair; folds her arms; and bows her head in surrender. Busted.

Kelly was telling partial truths. She did go to the movies, but it was not with Lisa; it was with Brock, a young man she had been forbidden to see because of his misdemeanor conviction for marijuana possession. The movie got over at 9:00; they went to McDonald’s and stopped at a friend’s house.

Busted!

	WORKIN’ IT

How could Kelly’s mom have known what her daughter was up to? Here’s how, and what you can do with your daughter to avoid a similar situation:

• Gather more information.

• Trust, but verify by calling the friend she says she’s going to be with, or the friend’s parent.

• Ask that her friend pick her up at your house.

• Notice if she makes eye contact with you before she exits.

• Be suspicious of sudden sweetness.

• Check her energy level—is it higher than normal or does she appear overly quiet?

• Did she spend more time than usual getting ready?

• Compare and contrast the clothing she would normally wear when the two girls went out before—is there any difference? Or is she carrying a larger purse than usual? It could be that she plans on changing into “date” clothes after she leaves the house.

Developing a healthy relationship with your kids is a key component to get lying under control. If kids feel secure in knowing they can speak openly and honestly and not be shut down or minimized for their feelings or desires, it will go a long way in winning the lying game.

The Least You Need to Know

• Lying is normal for kids to do. This is not typically reason for concern unless it is accompanied by changes in behavior, such as withdrawal, anger, or depression.

• Everyday lies are difficult to detect, and kids may not even see the harm in them.

• High-stakes lies involve risk and reward. Young children are not developmentally capable of making moral decisions. They are motivated by simple needs and desires. They just want to be liked, needed, and included.

• Overreaction encourages deception. Parents should apply consistent consequences but not be hung up on moral judgment.