Chapter

3

Perception Is Reality

In This Chapter

From shoes to tattoos, from clothes to facial hair, it all says something about you. Why shouldn’t it? The way you groom, dress, and adorn your body are deliberate decisions that reflect your personality and character traits. When it comes to how others judge you and perceive you, these choices often speak louder than anything you say.

This chapter explores the various perceptions you create in others through the choices you make about your bodily appearance, who you’re friends with, how you conduct yourself online, and more. You’ll learn what these choices communicate and how they can affect you.

We, the Jury

When you open your mailbox and find that letter saying you’ve been summoned for jury duty, you have actually been summoned to the land of body language experts—and they will be reading yours like a book.

Actually, life is really no different than jury selection. It may not be as obvious, but opinions are being formed about others all day long in the workplace, in the classroom, in the neighborhood, at home, you name it.

You may be thinking during jury selection, “I’m not the one on trial here.” But even a juror is judged—by the judge, the prosecutor, and the defense attorney—during jury selection. She’s judged using the same visual cues you’ll use, as a prospective juror, to form judgments about a defendant. What is she wearing? Who is she with? Does she look guilty? These are all things that will be assessed before the first shred of evidence has been presented.

Quite frankly, you are on trial, every day, everywhere, just like a defendant. It’s not just a courtroom practice. You’re being judged daily by a jury of your peers—employers, customers, and potential mates—based, to a large degree, on your outward appearance and the company you keep. But before you get too worried about that, realize that you’re doing the same thing to others; it’s just the way people are.

	SAY WHAT?

Social networking has made “reading” other people easier than ever. Your “friends,” your “likes,” your entire life—if you allow it—can be seen by most anyone online.

More than 40 percent of employers say they conduct Internet searches on job applicants. And one third of all rejected applicants are eliminated on this factor alone. What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens online can follow you for life. I’m not just talking about that compromising picture of you from that wild night in college. Foul language, bad grammar, and seedy friends can hang you as well.

Dressing in a midriff-baring shirt can send the wrong impression to a potential employer.

Here’s a philosophical question. If a picture is worth a thousand words, is a misleading picture as bad as a thousand lies?

When Angelina met Grant online, he hooked her by painting a picture of himself as a wealthy world traveler in his early 40s, looking for love and adventure on the high seas. In pictures, he was chiseled and tan, seated behind the wheel of a cabin cruiser, more yacht than fishing boat, sunlight glinting off his six-pack abs.

When Angelina met Grant for coffee, he was 10 years older, shorter—in both funds and stature—and much heavier than his profile persona. The boat? Borrowed. The tan? That was real. Being unemployed, Grant had lots of time to baste his ample belly at the beach. Needless to say, Angelina ordered her coffee to go.

The verdict on Grant was easy. But what about Angelina? Did she embellish her profile as well? Rounding up where the numbers were in her favor, and down by a year or a pound? Perhaps. People do it all the time.

The point is that mixed messages kill credibility, as was also demonstrated in Chapter 2. There’s nothing wrong with making the most of what you have. But if you make a habit of embellishing the truth or making things up, the jury of life will throw the book at you. If you’re lucky, it will be this book, so you can avoid making the same mistakes twice.

Case Clothed

You probably already know that the clothes you wear can tell other people a lot about your economic status and personality. There are also things that your clothing choices can tell you about yourself.

Take a lucky tie, for example, or any clothes you wear as much for luck as for the way they look. Researchers at Northwestern University have determined that the “luck” in such talismans is real. As it turns out, luck has less to do with the clothes themselves than the way those clothes make you feel when you’re wearing them. The Northwestern study found that students presented with identical white coats to wear performed at different levels, depending on whether the coat they received was described as a painter’s smock or a doctor’s lab coat.

Participants in the lab coat group reported a higher level of attentiveness than the group in the smocks. This “smart clothes” phenomenon is known as enclothed cognition.

	SAY WHAT?

“Smart clothes” such as a lab coat can have a profound influence on how you feel about yourself.

Clothes Audit

Your answers to the following questions will help you as you read on about the role of clothes in body language.

Ask yourself the following:

• When was the last time I went shopping for clothes, shoes, a briefcase, or a handbag?

• When was the last time someone complimented my clothes?

• Is my closet filled with clothes of various sizes?

• How many items in my closet still have price tags on them?

• When was the last time I purged my closet of old and outdated clothes?

If your clothes are going to talk to you and about you, you may want to get rid of the ones that don’t have anything nice to say, such as:

• Does your closet scream “out of date”? A reluctance to part with outdated clothes could signal resistance to change, or outdated thinking. And don’t even think about using that old “vintage” hedge. If you’re old enough to have worn something when it was first in fashion, you’re too old to make it work the second time around.

• Are there clothes with the tags still on them months, or years, after the purchase? Emotional purchases are the clothing equivalent of eating a whole quart of ice cream. Don’t wallow in guilt. Let them go.

• Do you have clothes in various sizes? These ghosts of glory days gone by only serve to point up your shortcomings. Why hang onto something that doesn’t make you feel good now? Rule of thumb: if you haven’t worn something in a year, donate it to charity.

Get rid of clothes that are outdated and don’t make you feel good.

Now that you understand the closet, let’s build your wardrobe back up with a look that will communicate confidence, leadership, power, and success—to yourself, as well as to others.

Ten Clothing Must-Haves for Women

• Black dress. It means leadership and power, and you will always have an occasion for a black dress. (Add a splash of color with a scarf or broach.)

• Black, navy, or gray two-piece pantsuit. It says sophisticated and professional, a great mix and match.

• Black, navy, or charcoal blazer. It is timeless and professional.

• Black straight skirt. It screams sophisticated, professional, and feminine, when mixed with a colorful blouse.

• Solid-colored pants or dress jeans. These communicate casual, confident style. Top them with a fun jacket.

• A nice black or white solid top/blouse. These go with anything. Add more colors as you continue building your wardrobe.

• Black, closed-toed leather pumps. These say confidence. Up to a 3-inch heel, depending on your height.

• Diamond studs and pearls. Simplicity is key. Simply displayed diamonds and pearls convey confidence, elegance, intelligence, and success.

• Classic handbag and briefcase—black or tobacco brown. A leather briefcase has long stood for authority and success. Classic looks suggest position and power.

• Up-to-date haircut worn above the shoulders or pulled up. Short hair says, “I am in control of my appearance and confident in myself and what I represent.”

On the other hand, when tops are too tight or too low-cut, heels are more than 4 inches, dresses are slinky, clothes are wrinkled or stained, shoes are scuffed, or heels are torn, the perception is typically not in good favor. The assessment can be if you can’t pull yourself together, you may not be trusted to get the job done, whether it’s in the workplace, in the jury box, or elsewhere.

Ideal work attire for women.

Ten Clothing Must-Haves for Men

• Two to four suits. One black and others in either tan or brown, charcoal, or navy pin-stripe. Quality counts. A good fit and a good fabric say, “I know what I’m doing.”

• Black, brown, or burgundy lace-up shoes. Again, nothing fancy. But keep a shine on those shoes, and get to know a good cobbler. Shabby shoes say, “I don’t pay attention to detail.”

• Five high-quality white shirts. Make sure the shirts are professionally dry-cleaned and slightly starched, with a nice texture. It projects substance and professionalism.

• Three belts, one each of black, brown, and burgundy. No deep meaning here. You’ve got to match your shoes, and keep your pants up.

• Variety of colored shirts and ties (don’t forget pink; it’s the new power color for men). Not too bold—a little color goes a long way.

• Nice cufflinks, newer leather wallet, and well-kept black/brown leather or metal briefcase. Attention to detail in dress demonstrates that you’ve got your world in order.

• A nice watch. It suggests you appreciate fine things, and can be counted on to keep to a schedule.

• Neutral-colored trench coat. Not a lot of options in this area—more of a practical necessity.

• Blue, black, brown, and tan socks. Socks should match your pants.

• Twelve cotton t-shirts. Or enough to get you through between laundry days.

• Bonus—a black cashmere blazer. A luxury, but one that speaks of wealth and position.

For men, pants that are too long or too short, scuffed shoes, outdated suits, polyester colored suits and short coats, suspenders (unless you are Larry King), unmatched socks, neckties that are too short or too long, a cheap watch, or an old wallet are things that don’t bode well for communicating confidence and competence.

Left: Ideal male work attire. Right: Even with the right attire, sloppy attention to detail can come across as unprofessional.

Sole Searching

Don’t think shoes have much to say? Then why do so many have tongues? A University of Kansas study, published in 2012, sparked widespread debate about the psychology of shoe selection. The study itself, which included such revelations as the fact that people who wore masculine shoes tended to be men, wasn’t as remarkable as the attention it generated.

This topic is important to consider, however, if only to illustrate how reasonable people can interpret identical data differently, and underscore the previous point that context is key in reading nonverbal cues.

For example, depending on who you ask …

• High-top sneakers are either for introverts with attachment anxiety or artsy extroverts who bask in attention.

	SAY WHAT?

• Old, shabby shoes are favored by both rich world travelers and homeless people.

• New, expensive shoes are a sign of either wealth or a personality disorder.

• People who take good care of their shoes are either neurotics overly concerned with what other people think, or just people who take good care of their stuff.

• Ankle boots are either for aggressive or fun people.

• Uncomfortable shoes are worn by calm people, although, why would anyone intentionally wear uncomfortable shoes—and how could you tell, as an observer?

• Flip-flops are for hippies, or middle-class fathers of four on vacation.

The bottom line is that while shoe style and condition may help to reinforce your assessment of someone, shoes alone aren’t basis enough to form conclusive opinions. Remember: Context matters.

Different styles of shoes, based on context, can provide information about the personality of the wearer.

Looks Do Matter

Beauty may be only skin deep, but that’s all anyone can see at first glance, so, like it or not, physically attractive people actually do make a better first impression. It may not seem fair, but again, it’s just how people are.

	YA DON’T SAY

Research says that 61 percent of humans are visually oriented, which means that they form their opinions primarily by what they observe. Your physical appearance sends a nonverbal message of your social status, character, income, intelligence, competence, and confidence.

Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but attractive people are at a distinct advantage. The good news is there are a few adjustments anyone can make to become more attractive. We already covered clothing, so let’s explore a few others.

Hairstyle

Ask any hair stylist—they know. They can detect when a customer is getting divorced, having an affair, getting a promotion, seeking attention, feeling promiscuous, stuck in the past, depressed, having a mid-life crisis, okay with themselves, or stuck in hum-drum mode. Hairstyle is an indicator of what’s happening in someone’s life—and in their head. Let’s look at what’s going on inside these heads:

Dramatic changes in style suggest big changes in life.

Facial Hair

Facial hair no longer carries the same stigma as in the past; in fact, it can spruce you up and give you a fashion-forward appeal. Statistics do show, however, that clean-shaven professionals generally rank higher in position than those with facial hair. So if you’re an aspiring CEO or executive, clean-shaven is best.

Facial hair adds three to six years to your perceived age, so if you’re looking to appear a little older, a well-groomed beard may work to your advantage.

The statistics on the pros and cons of facial hair are, well, fuzzy. One thing, however, is certain: a scruffy, unkempt beard is associated with uncleanliness and sloth, and can have a negative effect.

Tattoos

While ink is certainly in, it needs to stay in, meaning covered up by clothing. It’s your body, do what you want; but when ink is out (that is, where other people—particularly prospective employers and clients—can see it), you’ve got a perception problem.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a purple unicorn or a big ole heart with a banner that says “Mom,” studies show that visible tattoos lower your credibility and can repel opportunities. In the dating world, people tend to perceive women with large, visible tattoos as less intelligent, more dishonest, and more promiscuous.

Tattoos should be covered in the work environment.

Piercings

Body modification is a growing art form expressed by men and women among all socio-economic cultures. Despite its popularity among well-educated professionals, “bod-mod” carries a stigma associated with rebellion. In the workplace, professionals admit that they cover visible modifications during meetings and special events. Because of the stigma attached, piercings may inhibit career opportunities.

Interesting Facts About Appearance

What we wear and how we look speak volumes about who we are, how we feel about ourselves, what we value, and what we want to achieve at any given time. While most people have an innate ability to pick up on these silent messages, the key is being able to accurately read and interpret them.

The following list is a handy summary of many of the concepts we’ve discussed in this chapter concerning appearance:

1. We trust that what we see on the surface is an accurate echo of what lies beneath.

2. Our total appearance and grooming speak to the world about who we are.

3. There is no such thing as dressing in a neutral way.

4. How you dress or act will create your reality.

5. What one wears is assumed to reflect characteristics, attributes, and attitudes of the wearer.

6. Anyone dressed as a known stereotype will be assumed to have the same character traits.

7. First impressions attract or repel opportunities.

8. Our clothes and grooming affect how we think, feel, and behave.

9. Most people only notice extremes.

10. Friends who dress alike are more critical of those dressing in a different manner.

11. Those consumed by their own appearance are judgmental about others’ appearances.

12. Wearing clothes and accessories that match will intensify the mood.

13. Attractive people get greater opportunities in life than those who are unattractive.

14. Appropriateness and respect are the most important aspects of appearance.

15. Dress reflects character, beliefs, values, status, role, lifestyle, and attributes.

(List courtesy of Ann Reinten, President, Image Innovators—Australia)

Color Psychology

Have you ever wondered why you feel more comfortable in green rooms than red, or why you eat more in red rooms? That’s because color affects our moods and attitudes. So you can imagine how certain clothing colors can affect the way others feel about you and the opinions you form about them.

	WORKIN’ IT

Let’s explore different colors and what they communicate:

• Black. This color gets a bad rap because it is favored by goths and cartoon villains. The truth is, these groups wear black for the same reason you should—it’s the color of power, control, and authority. (It can make you look thinner, too!)

• White. The color of angels, scientists, and health-care professionals, white connotes innocence, purity, and sterility.

• Red. The color of love and passion, this impish hue provokes powerful emotions. Red can be seen as confrontational, so it’s probably not the best color to wear to a negotiation. In dating, red is seen as a “fast” color, particularly on women.

• Blue. Peaceful, serene, and tranquil, blue means business. Although blue is the color we associate with sadness, studies have shown it to evoke both trust and loyalty. It’s a great color for interviews.

• Green. Calming, refreshing, and relaxing, green is also the color of money. For men, a dark green signifies masculinity, wealth, and conservatism.

• Yellow. Attention grabber and optimistic, yellow demands attention and promotes concentration. A good color for public speakers, except for politicians, it is a hot color associated with provocation and anger.

• Purple. The color of royalty, luxury, and sophistication, purple is a playful color that can suggest everything from empathy to self-indulgence. A little purple goes a long way, with lighter shades conveying confidence, while darker and bolder shades may appear artificial or contrived.

• Brown. A humble, solid color, brown signals genuineness and conservatism. A common color for men’s suits, this color is all business. It’s definitely not a playful color.

In 2003, Joe Hallock, a student at the University of Washington, conducted an online survey to determine the “color” of various emotions—trust, quality, desperation, etc. The results for colors associated with “trust” help quantify what those of us in the image-consulting business have been saying for some time—namely that blue is called “true blue” for a reason. Here are the results:

• 34 percent blue

• 21 percent white

• 11 percent green

• 8 percent purple

• 7 percent yellow

• 6 percent red

• 4 percent black, brown, and grey

• 1 percent orange

We said earlier that black is the color of power and authority. Let’s break that down a little further. It turns out, the deeper the black, the more power. That’s why most successful executives wear black, charcoal, or blue-black/deep navy.

	WORKIN’ IT

The Least You Need to Know

• Your appearance speaks volumes about you.

• Your shoes reflect your personality traits.

• Facial hair, tattoos, and piercings are often judged unfavorably by others.

• Color has psychological effects on you and others.