They’ve never tidied their room. They’ve played their music long and loud and driven you mad. The two of you are about at breaking point and you wonder where you went wrong as a parent of a sullen, moody, dressed-in-black teenager. They are monosyllabic, depressed (but miraculously cheer up when their mates come round), always hungry, rude, mercenary, troublesome and relentlessly embarrassed by you. And you blame yourself. It is all your fault. You have somehow failed them. Rubbish. This is all good stuff.

Look, your kids have got to fall out with you to be able to leave home. If they loved you too much they couldn’t leave. You’ve nurtured them, wiped their bums, dressed them, fed them, doled out money for all of their lives. And they don’t want to feel grateful. They want to leave, to drink too much, have sex and use grown-up swear words. They don’t want to be your darling little angel any more. They want to be spiky and daring and rude and adult. They want to discover and explore and get into trouble all by themselves. They need to break the chains, rip the parental ropes off and run over the hill shouting that they are free at last. How on earth can they do that if they are still in awe of you, still feeling so attached to you, still loving you so much? They have to break free by not getting on with you before they can come home again as something more than just your child.

It is all natural and you should welcome it and be glad to see the back of them. Chuck ’em out early I say and then they’ll be back all the sooner. You can’t ruffle their hair ever again or tuck them in or read them a story, but you will find a grown-up friend comes back and you can share a whole new relationship with them.

Hold them back and they’ll resent you for longer. Take it personally and they’ll take longer to return because they’ll feel guilty.

And you can show this to your teenager: Don’t give your parents too hard a time. They are feeling just as threatened by this new relationship as you are. Give them a break; they’re making it up as they go along, just as much as you are.