Chapter
18
The Language of Attraction
In This Chapter
• The signals of attraction
• Eye gazing techniques
• Do’s and don’ts of flirtation and dating
In the blink of an eye, you can meet your dream partner. And when that happens, you’ll want your body language to be communicating the way you want it to, because it’s going to be doing most of the talking anyway.
You learned in prior chapters that the key to any successful personal or professional encounter is eye contact. But did you know that connecting with your eyes is on the top 10 list of ways to make someone fall in love with you? In this chapter, you learn how to connect with someone using eye gazing techniques, and recognize flirtation signals and use them. We also explain some dating do’s and don’ts to help you successfully send and read the signals.
Open Your Eyes
Has this ever happened to you? The hottest person you’ve ever seen is walking right toward you. Your heart begins to race, the excitement builds, and then, Oh no! They walk right on by, never glancing your way or acknowledging that you exist.
“How did that just happen?” you ask yourself. Maybe you feel like you’re wearing garlic around your neck, warding off everyone in your path. Perhaps you begin to second-guess yourself. You may wonder, “Am I losing my edge? And if so, how do I get it back?”
Perhaps you should look in the mirror and do a self-evaluation. Are you slouched over, disheveled, looking down or away? If so, then you shouldn’t be surprised that your dream date walked right by. Your body language didn’t exactly say you are someone they should take interest in.
Even with online dating all the rage, at some point you will have to meet a potential mate face to face. When that happens, don’t let the opportunity to connect with someone great get away by not being prepared with the body language of attraction.
Attractor Factor
Your body language is a key component to what makes you attractive to another—or not. From your posture to your clothes to your stance to your hairstyle, as we’ve discussed throughout this book, all of these things express who you are and what you want. So if you want a great-looking date, be good looking yourself. If you want to get noticed, be noticeable.
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When you pass by the same billboard seven or more times, your awareness of the advertised product increases. The same goes for repeated exposure to potential mates. The more you come face-to-face with them, the more opportunity for attraction factors to increase at each encounter.
Make the most of each encounter you may have by being prepared at all times with your body, dress, and mind-set. If you know you may encounter someone you are attracted to, position yourself accordingly. Think about in movies when a woman fluffs up her hair, puts on lipstick, stands tall, and checks her backside in the mirror before seeing a certain someone. It’s the perfect example of preparing to send a message of attraction.
Eye Gazing
The most powerful connection you can have with another human being is when your eyes meet. It may seem scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but if you practice eye gazing techniques, your love connections will explode. Michael Ellsberg, author of The Power of Eye Contact, created a singles event called Eye Gazing Parties, a New York dating trend featured in Elle magazine.
The good news is you don’t have to travel to the Big Apple to learn how to make good eye contact and experience a true felt connection with another person. Here’s an eye gazing exercise to show you how it’s done. Practice with a trusted friend first to get the hang of it:
• Begin by looking at your friend’s right or left eye only.
• Then move your gaze to the other eye and do the same.
• When that feels comfortable, gaze into both eyes with both of yours.
• The entire exercise should take two to three minutes total.
After you’ve practiced on a friend, begin connecting with people you encounter in day-to-day interactions, such as servers, bank tellers, and clerks in grocery checkout lines. Make eye contact, and then maintain the gaze while making light conversation.
Make this a part of your everyday ritual, and you’ll get more comfortable with eye contact and be ready when the time is right for the real romantic deal.
Don’t get eye gazing confused with stalker eyes. It’s not a frozen stare; it’s a warm, sincere, and inviting gaze. With good eye contact, you’re on your way to real authentic, face-to-face connections—something that cyber connections just can’t accomplish.
Having a good eye connection leads to a better personal connection.
Historically, women are better at holding eye contact than men; but with practice, men can also master eye gazing. Men who make a higher level of eye contact are perceived as:
• More powerful
• Attentive
• Likable and more attractive
• Warm and personable
• Competent and confident
• Trustworthy, sincere, and honest
• Professionally and emotionally stable
Men who make less eye contact are perceived to be:
• Distrustful
• Suspicious
• Lacking confidence in what they’re saying
• Impersonal
• Uninterested
• Inattentive
If romance has taken a back seat to other concerns lately, and you want to find a new mate or spark an old flame, here are some body language cues that will signal L-O-V-E to the person watching you.
Show Your Vulnerable Side
The neck, inside of the wrists, underarms, and ankles display a lady’s vulnerable side and are an aphrodisiac for men. Visualize Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman as he whisked away his lady-love, carrying her, neck fully exposed, arms fallen to the side, showing the inner side of her wrists and underarms. Another way you can show your vulnerable side is by tilting your neck back and gliding your hand from your earlobe down your neck to your collarbone with fingers open.
Show vulnerability with this gesture.
Guys, women are attracted to the stronger side—chiseled features; hands on hips; hands in front pockets, thumbs protruding; arms crossed; legs shoulder-width apart. Guys can show vulnerability with warmth in their eyes and a genuine, authentic smile or a concealed, suppressed smile.
Use Your Hair
When a woman is feeling sexy and attracted to someone, the hair toss to one side, exposing the neck, is a turn-on for men, but it shouldn’t be overdone. Ladies with mid-length to short hair can opt for the neck glide; it works just as well.
A hair toss expresses attraction.
When a man is attracted to a woman, he signals his interest with grooming gestures. He’ll look up at her while gliding his fingers through his hair, with his head slightly tilted down.
Peekaboo
Ladies, slowly slide off a barstool, allowing your skirt to rise slightly, exposing an inch or so of the outer thigh. This can be done subtly, just to catch the eye of that attractive someone sitting near you.
Also, uncrossing your legs and re-crossing them the other way can be an eye-catcher. It can trigger the memory of the moment in Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone that made every man’s jaw drop.
Uncrossing and recrossing legs can be a subtle seduction.
The guy equivalent of a peekaboo would be running a hand over his chest or muscles, or hands in front pockets, thumbs pointed toward their prize.
Dangle Your Shoe
Ladies can use their shoes to their advantage. Kick off the heel of your pump to dangle your shoe off the tip of your toes. Glide your hand down your leg to your ankle to push the shoe back on your heel. Keep your head and chin down while you reach down, but as your hand rises back up, glance up with just your eyes.
A woman who opens her stance, taking up all the space she is occupying, shows confidence, is alluring, and is asking to be noticed. Standing with one hand on her hip, shifting her weight to one foot, hip cocked to one side, legs apart, she’s saying, “Let’s ride.”
Men are definitely posers. You’ll see them puff up their chests, stand legs shoulder width apart, suck in their bellies, and flex their biceps.
Lick Your Lips
A woman can drive a man crazy by glancing all around his face, stopping at his mouth, then licking her lips.
Glancing at his mouth, then licking her lips, is a sign she’s attracted.
Men do something similar, holding eye contact and daring the woman to look away first. This is often accompanied, in bars, by a long slow drink from his beer.
Ladies, a subtle look over your shoulder when someone attractive walks by lets him know you noticed him. Turn your head to follow him, lift your shoulder toward your chin, glance at him, and gently flutter your eyelashes.
An over-the-shoulder glance tells a guy you’ve taken notice.
What do Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, and Kim Kardashian have in common? Beautiful hourglass figures. Ladies, cinch in your waist with a fashionable belt and let your curves do the talking.
Show off your curves!
Remain Mysterious
Don’t pick up the phone on the first ring; resist and let it go to voicemail. Appear busy, even when you’re not. Don’t jump on every invitation. Create a little mystique, so that anticipation builds before your date can see you. This is especially true for ladies—it definitely holds a date’s interest when she’s not readily available.
There are as many, or even more, don’ts as there are do’s when it comes to the body language of love. To mutually attract a person of interest, delete these moves from your body vocabulary altogether!
Wandering Eyes
Anyone would glance at an attractive stranger; it’s human nature, like admiring fine art. But if you’re on a date and your date can’t control the urge to stare, chances are their eyes won’t be the only thing wandering. Wandering eyes, by either side, is a no-no.
Wandering eyes show disinterest and a continued interest in exploring other options.
Back Pats
Hugging can be a good thing. But if a date hugs you and pats you on the back, this is a consoling gesture, not an intimate one. It’s more appropriate when giving a baby a bottle, not making an intimate gesture or connection.
A back pat is used to console and is not a sign of attraction.
Last-Minute Invitations
No one wants to feel like an afterthought or last on the list. Don’t wait until the last minute to invite that special someone on a date, or they could also think you are tardy in other areas of your life—such as paying bills, meeting deadlines, or keeping appointments.
Asking for a weekend date by mid-week shows that you respect your date’s busy schedule and that you are thinking of them ahead of time.
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Eyes that dart about and don’t stay focused on any one thing are hard to trust. Shifty eyes can make it more difficult to connect with someone, whether it’s intentional or not.
But before you assume deception or disinterest, there could be one of several things to rule out, such as shyness, distraction, anxiousness, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Any of these can make it difficult for your date to sustain eye contact.
Shifty eyes do not allow for emotional intimacy.
Cell Phone Fascination
On Valentine’s Day, at a popular sushi restaurant, you notice an attractive couple just two tables away. Instead of being present in the moment and validating his date’s existence, Mr. Cool scans through the text messages on his cell phone, smiling and laughing occasionally, as he entertains himself. He doesn’t notice his date’s silent distress at being alone in a crowd on the most romantic night of the year.
Each time he receives or sends a text, he breaks contact with his date. Her curled-up body language signals that she is holding her frustration inside, as she looks around the restaurant out of boredom and disgust. Has he picked up the clues that he’s about to be dumped on Valentine’s Day? Nope! You watch as she excuses herself to visit the ladies room and never returns.
If you can’t stop looking at your cell phone long enough to enjoy your date, make a date with your cell phone instead.
Put the cell phone away; she’s starving for your attention, and you’re showing you’re really not into her.
Cold Shoulder
Turning your shoulder or even your back toward a person is saying you don’t want to engage with them. The message is unmistakable. So if you like your date and want them to like you, don’t give them the cold shoulder. It’s not being mysterious; it’s just being cold.
Don’t give a date the cold shoulder treatment.
Too Much Too Soon
Ladies, keep something about you a surprise; you may catch a man’s eye at first glance if you show too much skin, but you may sell yourself short with a short-lived love connection. Choose figure-fitting clothes that are tasteful and age-appropriate, and fabrics that flow gracefully around your curves, not holding them in place like a harness.
Men, don’t come on too strong. Women like the dance. If you are too direct, you might chase them away.
Two or more of the following behaviors indicates that your date is losing interest or has checked out altogether:
• Glances around the room
• Looks at watch
• Angles the body away from you
• Yawns
• Stares blankly
• Leans back in chair
• Eyes unfocused
• Sighs
• Long eye closures
• Slumped body posture
• Dry glass
On the other hand, an interested date will display these behaviors:
• Maintains eye contact
• Leans forward
• Angles body toward you
• Erect or casual body posture
• Looks about your face
• Eyes sparkle
• Smiles occasionally
• Orders another round
• Proper eye contact is key when expressing interest in another.
• Flirtatious gestures include touching and tossing hair, dressing attractively, and glancing over your shoulder.
• Shifty eyes, turning your shoulders away, and paying more attention to your cell phone are avoidance gestures.
• Leaning forward and maintaining eye contact mean a date is interested.