Chapter

1

Body Language Basics

In This Chapter

Body language experts are not psychics, and they can’t read minds. No one but Pinocchio has a built-in lie detector, and Pinocchio is a fictional character.

In the world of reading body language, we have just two rules:

1. There is no one definitive way to tell if someone is lying.

2. If anyone says there is, they’re lying.

Everything else, as with body language itself, is subject to interpretation. Body linguistics is not judging or predicting. It is the interpretation of thoughts and feelings externalized through a combination of cues—gestures, facial expressions, spoken words, and tone of voice. Part art and part science, reading body language is a combination of subjective and objective analyses based on grounded research.

In this chapter, you learn basic concepts that are fundamental in building a foundation for reading body language, including understanding assumptions, inherent blindness, and the process of connecting with other people.

No Smoking Gun

There is no one bodily gesture that has a single definitive meaning, so that leaves a lot of room for interpretation. As it turns out, with the possible exception of professional poker players, most people are notoriously bad at reading each other.

Research reveals that the average person’s ability to read body language is no more accurate than flipping a coin—and that includes county judges, police officers, and clinical psychologists. Federal judges and secret service professionals, however, do a better job at it, but they have lots of experience. With proper training, a person’s accuracy rate in reading body language can increase to 76 percent or higher.

	YA DON’T SAY

Myths and Truths

Have you ever judged someone unfairly? Upon meeting someone, did you sum them up in a microsecond, only to discover later that you were way off base? It happens to the best of us.

	BODY BLOCK

Making the wrong assessment about someone can be embarrassing and frustrating, so let’s clarify some myths and truths about reading body language to help you get started on the right foot.

Myths about body language include:

• Body language gestures have specific meanings.

• Reading body language is a natural ability.

• Averted or shifty eyes are signs of lying.

• Scratching the nose is a sign of lying.

• Liars make less eye contact.

Truths about body language include:

• Most body language gestures have multiple meanings.

• Reading body language is a learned skill.

• “Locking” eyes is a signal of convincing, rather than conveying.

• Scratching the face is a sign of anxiety.

• Liars often make more eye contact, not less.

	YA DON’T SAY

Don’t Make Assumptions

Some people are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. For example, a witness describes a 6′2″ white male with blond hair, approximately 200 pounds, last seen leaving a home invasion in a blue car.

Minutes later, a blue car pulls up to a convenience store one block away. A man hops out to pump gas. He has blond hair and matches the description. The victim positively identifies him as the perpetrator. “That’s the guy; I’m sure of it!” she says.

Police question the man but let him go. Despite the physical similarities, the victim had pegged the wrong man.

This is an example of someone jumping to a conclusion without first having all the necessary information and making an assumption—and the assumption is wrong.

	WORKIN’ IT

Getting an Accurate Read

Have you ever watched a movie you loved, over and over again, and each time you watched it, you picked up something new?

Reading body language is like that. To read people more accurately, you should, ideally, observe them repeatedly over time. It is important to know what to look for so you’ll be able to pick up more clues in less time.

	BODY BLOCK

Think about what happens when you visit a doctor. You or a nurse writes down your symptoms. The doctor reviews your chart, has a brief chat with you, and examines you physically before delivering a diagnosis. It’s a step-by-step process.

Reading people is very much the same. You consider the context (why you’re here), the verbal content (tell me what’s wrong), and nonverbal cues (examination). Then you analyze the data to form your opinion (diagnosis).

Here’s a little self-test. Look at the following photo for a few minutes. What information can you gather from it? What kind of work do you think the man in the picture does? What does he sell? What kind of product does he promote? What can you gather about his organizational skills? Look at his facial expressions. Is he a nice guy, or is he rigid? What do think his position is? Is he a manager, a CEO? What could the hand signify? Why are there trucks on the wall?

Find the clues.

You can check your answers in Appendix B.

How Clues Are Missed

Have you ever realized in hindsight something that totally was obvious, yet you completely missed it at the time? There’s a reason we sometimes miss the obvious; it’s called inattentive blindness. It’s the same phenomenon that causes a texting driver to sit through an entire green light.

	SAY WHAT?

It can be embarrassing—like that time you spaced out when the boss was talking to you because you were making weekend plans in your head. Inattentive blindness can also be dangerous—like the woman who didn’t see the stranger approaching in a dark parking lot because she was busy digging in her purse for her car keys.

Inattentive blindness can be dangerous.

It is impossible to be fully attentive to two things at once. That’s one reason it can be so hard to read someone, if you are also talking to them or trying to listen to what they are saying. The best way to study body language is as a passive observer, such as just watching someone from across the room. This allows you to simply observe from a distance and not be thinking about anything else.

It’s hard to be attentive to what someone’s saying when you are also trying to focus on something else, such as watching TV.

Basic Training: Five Steps to Reading People

If you want to be able to accurately read someone, you need to make the person feel comfortable with you first. When someone is comfortable with you, they will be more relaxed and open. The following step-by-step process gives you a basic framework for learning how to create these circumstances that will give you the ability to more accurately read what someone is really saying.

Step 1—Building Rapport

Ask any investigator how they extract information from a suspect. What they will tell you is that it all begins with rapport building. When you meet someone, never come right out and get to the point. If you do, you will kill the rapport-building stage. When you jump right in, it becomes your agenda, not theirs. When a skilled investigator interviews a suspect, they never begin with saying “You’re a liar; I know you did it!” That tactic is only seen in the movies, and it rarely works.

For better results, slow things down. Talk about neutral topics—the bad coffee in the cafeteria, sports, fashion, the weather. Show interest in them as a person, not just a prospect or perpetrator. Casually observe the person’s attire. A compliment on a watch, lapel pin, piece of jewelry, or piece of fashionable clothing often helps ease the initial anxiety.

An easy and quick way to establish rapport is to address a person by their name. This demonstrates that you are interested in the person and care about what they have to say. But use the name sparingly, as overusage may be viewed as disingenuous and phony.

Rapport building is the essence of a positive outcome. It’s not only used in law enforcement to catch the bad guys, but in every aspect of human communication, whether it’s sales prospecting, coaching, training, management, or dating.

Some of the best rapport builders are hair stylists. Next time you visit your stylist, watch the interaction between the hairdressers and their clients. Hair stylists are masters of rapport. From the minute they run their fingers through a client’s hair, they’re exchanging life histories.

Part beautician, part psychotherapist, a hair stylist knows whom everyone is dating, what so-and-so are doing this weekend, what movies they’ve seen, who’s in trouble with the IRS, and the names and ages of everyone’s kids.

People open up to, and do business with, people they like and trust. It all starts with building a good rapport. You know it works because not many people choose to do business with people they dislike.

Hair stylists are masters of rapport.

	YA DON’T SAY

Step 2—Mirroring

A natural mirroring of body language occurs when two people connect on a cellular level. When there’s a connection, the two synchronize their body language like a choreographed dance. It is unexplained, yet it is seen throughout nature.

	SAY WHAT?

Penguins follow in a single-file line; birds fly in patterns; and fish swim in unison. Couples who like each other tend to match the body language of their partner. For example, when one leans forward to reach for a glass, the other, without thinking, will do the same thing. Some couples even unconsciously synchronize what they wear. When building rapport, you should always mirror some aspect of the other’s behavior.

	WORKIN’ IT

Matching mannerisms, or mirroring, is a technique for building rapport.

The five ways to mirror someone are …

• Adopting (loosely) the mannerisms of the person you’re trying to mirror.

• Synchronizing your breathing with theirs.

• Matching voice tone and inflection.

• Empathizing—meeting energy with energy and concern with concern.

• Echoing key words and speaking at a common level.

Step 3—Norming

Norming is a process of assessing another’s normal behavior patterns during rapport building.

	SAY WHAT?

Norming is the process of observing behaviors during rapport building. As you talk about those neutral topics, mentally take note of the interviewee’s normal speech and voice patterns, gestures, and language.

For example, if, in the person’s norm, you see any signs of facial tics, speech errors, or anxiousness, these could be quirks in their normal behavior and should not be interpreted out of context as anything unusual.

Your goal is to get the individual as close to normal behavior patterns as possible. You won’t know a person’s absolute norm unless you have an intimate personal relationship with that person.

Step 4—Baselining

Typical behaviors observed during the norming stage become the “baseline” from which we compare and contrast behavior patterns.

Although it is possible to establish a good baseline, even in a tense situation, establishing rapport is especially important to alleviate anxiety that might otherwise alter normal behaviors.

	BODY BLOCK

Immigration officers have to be especially skilled at speed-reading complete strangers and putting them at ease, because they have five minutes or less to determine whether or not to allow them to enter the country.

Actual questions from an immigration screening are likely to start with nonthreatening inquiries, such as, “Did you find a good parking spot?” or “Boy, it looks like you’re ready for a great family vacation, with all those bags.”

During the norming period, officers establish a baseline by reading facial expressions, body language, voice, and words, before moving on to more pointed questions, such as, “What is the purpose of your visit?” and “What preparations have you made prior to coming to the United States?”

Step 5—Comparing and Contrasting Behaviors

Once you’ve established a baseline, you can move into more direct questioning. As the questions become more pointed, look for changes in the subject’s behavior. These changes are usually subtle—twitches, twinges, and muscle contractions. These are signs of leakage or contrasting behaviors that might indicate deception, anxiety, or concern.

	SAY WHAT?

Only after comparing and contrasting behaviors to the baseline, and considering all of the factors that could contribute to those variances, should you even begin to draw conclusions.

Field Exercise: A Client Meeting

There are several examples throughout this book showing you how you can directly apply what you are learning in your day-to-day life. The following exercise illustrates how to hone in on a client’s needs and expectations using the concepts you learned in this chapter.

In some ways people are pretty predictable. We all want to be heard. We want to be understood. And we like to do business with people who “get” us. This is why rapport building is a crucial step in doing business, or anything in life for that matter.

When a client or potential client wants to meet, start the rapport-building process off right by asking him where he’d like to meet. He will choose a location that is most comfortable for him, be it his favorite coffee shop, his favorite restaurant, or his office.

When you arrive, shake hands firmly, look the client in the eye, smile, and offer a warm greeting. Find something positive to say. Exude energy. People like to be around people who are positive and confident. Take a few minutes to get to know your client. Don’t be too eager to dive right into the business at hand.

Watch your client closely during those first few minutes. Remember, in addition to building rapport, you are norming—establishing a baseline against which you’ll be comparing behaviors during the more direct business discussion later.

Take special note of any quirks, tics, or nervous habits, so that you won’t be as likely to misread them later.

As you build rapport, look for signs of mirroring as well. If your client’s movements are in synch with yours, that’s a sign that you have established a connection and it is time to move on to the business at hand.

Once you enter the formal discussion phase, be on the lookout for changes in gestures and facial expressions—such changes are signs of emotional leakage. They could indicate excitement, or agitation. You’ll learn in subsequent chapters how to tell the difference.

The Least You Need to Know

• Accurately reading body language requires training and practice.

• Reading body language is not judging others or making assumptions.

• The average person is not very good at reading others.

• There are five basic steps for reading people: building rapport, mirroring, norming, baselining, and comparing and contrasting behaviors.