Before we start our journey of self-development there are some ‘makings’ that we have to undertake if we are to be successful, and there are six of them:
1. Making commitments to yourself
First of all an apology: this text, and, by the way, thank you for investing in it, will not change you. Other people will not change you. Only you can change you. Others can guide, advise, train, mentor, motivate and coach; they can even hound, nag, badger, pester and threaten, but in the end it has to be you.
There is a very simple little mantra, which we repeat several times in the text, which goes:
‘If it’s going to be, then it’s down to me.’
You are, for the most part, in control of your life and this is particularly so in how you wish to develop yourself, the skills you want to enjoy and the person you wish to become.
Most of my clients, until we work together, labour far harder for their employer and their managers than they do for themselves. They know far more about their organisation, its mission and values and what it hopes to achieve than the very same aspects of themselves. It’s as if we leave planning and making a full life for ourselves and our families at home when we go to work and are too tired to do anything about it when we come home. Our own development is like the elephant in the room: we know it’s there and we should be doing something, but somehow we manage to ignore it and not even budge a trunk of it.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, life is not a dress rehearsal; there is only one shot and no action replay. However, we don’t need a replay to learn from our errors and mistakes.
T.S. Eliot, the poet, in a rare moment of simplicity wrote:
‘We had the experience but missed the meaning.’
Each day is full of potential for development, with lessons and development milestones achieved with willing coaches and mentors. But only if we commit to it.
Two million years ago something wonderful occurred – the size of our ancestors’ brains, at breakneck speed for evolution, doubled in size and our sloping brows transformed into foreheads to cope with this phenomenon. More importantly, in moving from Homo habilis to Homo sapiens we were gifted with frontal lobes which endowed us with the facility to think and plan ahead, to dream dreams of what could be, rather than just having the stimulus and response of what is. We now enter the world with the capacity for constructing wonderful imaginings of what we ‘want to be’ and enjoy all the enthusiasm that attends personal challenge.
I hope I am not a huge finger-wagger, but it amazes me that literally millions of people spend hours in the gym and/or thousands of pounds on make-up yet no time at all on their minds or their personal development. Such action is certainly good for the body but it’s rather like polishing your car in the hope of avoiding a service or hoping it will make the engine more efficient so it lasts longer.
Life is short and, without self-care and self-commitment, all too suddenly, 30 years later, the self-talk of ‘I am going to be’ takes a nosedive and is diluted to ‘I could have been’. Whilst this may sound depressing, the fact is it is never too late to start again. Even if you have lost most of the battles, the war is never over if you decide to marshal your resources once more.
 | ‘Failure is not about falling down but making the conscious decision not to get up again.’ Anon. |
Investing in a text such as this in terms of money and the opportunity costs of reading it demands a degree of commitment. Whilst psychologists never give guarantees, when you make a commitment to yourself that you want to develop the muscles of your inner self, there will always be an equitable dividend.
| ‘Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go so much further than people with vastly superior talent.’ Sophia Loren, actress |
| ‘More people fail through lack of purpose than through lack of talent.’ Billy Sunday, American athlete |
2. Making the results worth it
A friend was desperate to have a car of a certain type – up went the picture on the fridge; a man wanted to be more spiritually aware – so up went the picture of the Dalai Lama; a woman wanted to slim by two sizes so ...
At a very basic level we are driven by pleasure or pain. Some postpone going to the dentist until the pain outweighs the fear. Not that there isn’t any pain in self-development in terms of effort and investment, but it is nothing like toothache. There is more satisfaction and fun to be had when we can anticipate pleasurable and valuable outcomes in personal development. Your decision to invest time, money and effort is driven by the advantages that will accrue. Nobody goes to a gym because it has this or that exercise machine. They go to fulfil a desire – being fitter, being stronger, having bigger muscles or even to satisfy some social need such as meeting people and getting out of the house.
So the anticipated advantages keep us motivated and whisper continually in one ear ‘do not give up’ and in the other ‘keep going’.
For the most part, the effort and time we spend in self-development, when put on the scales, comes down on the pleasure side, providing we keep the potential results in mind. However, if it was that easy, everyone would be into self-development in a big way.
Unfortunately, sometimes the pleasures of today – the single marshmallow – are more tempting than the pleasures of tomorrow. A marshmallow in the mouth now is worth two left on the table if I have to wait!
Making the most of you takes time, real effort and usually some financial investment. Unless there is commitment to the journey there is a good chance of slippage, then resignation, then into life’s boxing ring flies the white towel. As we take this return trip back to the way we were, we are greeted by our dark friends ‘guilt’ and ‘regret’ and the accompanying thoughts, ‘ If only I had ...’ or, even worse, ‘I should have but now I can’t’.
The challenge
Up until this moment we have spent the whole of our lives behaving in the way that we have always done, so making significant changes in our thinking, our attitudes and our behaviour comes at a real cost in terms of effort and time. The way we are now is seemingly secure, so to embrace a different future will certainly test our resolve.
Experts tell us that it takes about 130 hours behind the wheel before we become reasonably efficient at driving a car. If it takes that long to learn to drive then to change from who we are to who we want to be will certainly take longer. In self-development we are in it for the long haul. To do this, and to keep going, we always need to keep the benefits in the forefront of our minds. The ‘why’, which is about benefits, helps the ‘doing’. To be successful in our endeavours to grow and develop we need continually to remind ourselves of where we will be and what we will be able to do.
The moment we forget the advantages and benefits of personal change is the moment of slippage when we fall back to being who we were. Then, when we feel the need to change again, we become disappointed with our lack of determination.
Right now, unless you develop yourself you are all you are ever going to be. Once you begin to change you will never be what you were, but a new person with new skills and abilities. Too often we settle for too little and achieve it rather than stretching ourselves to discover the boundaries of our abilities. One of the best things about achievements that we accomplish in life is that no one can ever take them away from us.
It’s rather like going to the gym or distance running when you have an endorphin hit: self-development bequeaths a confidence hit with your successes lasting forever.
As with running, the more you run the further you can go next time. It will be the same for you; your development ‘muscles’ will become stronger every time you flex them.
| ‘Being OK, average or adequate is a given and only buys you a ticket to the game.’ Sally Hogshead |
3. Making the process work
It is trite but right that ‘nothing happens until you do something’. Self-development is about doing stuff and doing it regularly.
Most people could run a marathon but they could not do it tomorrow. They would have to follow a proper, sensible and regular training regime to be able to cover the 26 miles 385 yards.
One can have the grandest of designs but it will remain on the drawing board without action. As Confucius rightly said, and he said a lot of good things:
‘Talk cannot grow rice.’
Good vision, good design, good process and good work will deliver good results.
Two stories from life
The General and the Brigadier
At one time I had the privilege of working with senior officers when they came out of the Services. Once I coached two officers, one a brigadier and the other a general. My session always began with the same statement: ‘You have done well to have achieved a very successful Service career.’ Back came the response from the brigadier: ‘Yes I have, but if I had been as fortunate as Sir Peter over there I would have made general.’
When welcoming Sir Peter with the same question, he came back with the reply: ‘Yes, when I was a junior subaltern I knew that to get a promotion I had to see some action in a conflict zone so what I did was ... having achieved major I knew that I had to get my BTA (Been To America) so I wangled a job flying a desk for NATO in Washington, then went on to do diplomatic work in a variety of countries. As a brigadier, if I was to make general, I knew that I had to see some active service again so I engineered a posting to ... and that is how I did so well and became a general. My personal battle plan worked.’
Making an assessment as a psychologist, I am sure that there was very little difference in the ability, motivation or intelligence of these two gifted Army officers. Sir Peter had the edge because he had a vision, developed a mission and kept to the plan. He stayed in the process, always identifying his next step, and worked the plan.
This might all sound mechanistic and a somewhat dry process-orientated approach. However, you are the person in charge of your vision, mission and plan, which you can change whenever you want.
The guitarist
A friend in his late teens was a brilliant guitarist, winning a place at the Royal School of Music. His vision was to be a concert guitarist. One summer he took a holiday in Spain and ended up in the beautiful fishing village of Peniscola on the Costa del Azahar, along the Mediterranean coast. He fell in love with the people, the town, the lifestyle and, of course, the music. His mission changed almost overnight and he is now a brilliant jondo flamenco guitarist who, with his singer, entertains aficionados from Valencia to Cartagena and beyond. One’s mission, like one’s mind, should never be set in concrete.
Before you make a significant step in life ask yourself: ‘Where is this leading and what options does it give me?’
4. Making the investment
It’s a startling fact that most of us will spend more time planning a holiday than planning the next stage of our lives. A great holiday is enjoyed and then it is back to the same old, same old. Relief from the day-to-day stuff comes from planning the next holiday. As we have already noted, most people will spend more money in a year on hygiene and beauty products than they will on their self-development during their lifetime. The roads are full of beautifully efficient cars being driven by less efficient people.
Once you become aware of this you can see that a bit more time spent thinking and planning for your future is a wise investment. And I’m not asking you to spend whole weekends or even an evening a week. Once you have done the preliminary work just 30 minutes a month is more than enough time to review what you have achieved over the month and you can list down what you want to do and achieve for the next month as well.
| ‘If you don’t have a plan then you plan to fail!’ |
One of my organisational clients ran a rigorous training programme for its staff. Each employee worked with their manager to agree their development each year and a budget was allocated in terms of both time and cost. This worked well for the employees, who received the extra skills they needed, and the company, who dispensed with the need for long-winded approval processes because they knew from the start of the year what resources had been allocated.
Such an approach might also work for you. How much are you prepared to spend each year on your own personal development? Most people spend nothing, hoping the government or their employer will pick up the tab. Of course the employer may pick up the tab, but it will only be for what they want you to do. But what you want to do may be on a tangent or in a totally different direction, which is of no interest to your employer or any government scheme. Here it is again:
‘If it’s going to be, then it’s down to me.’
5. Making ‘me’ time
This comes from my mother. We all loved fussing over her on Mother’s Day as she justifiably basked indolently in her well-deserved attention. One day she announced that since Mother’s Day came but once a year, from now on she was going to have regular ‘me days’; that is a Mother’s Day once a month. Her luxury was well-warranted. In a way we came to think of it as legitimate selfishness. Perhaps she took time off because she knew her Ovid:
‘Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.’
In spiritual and religious circles the benefits of this have been known for thousands of years through the concept of taking a ‘retreat’. Every now and again the religious take themselves off, out of their day-to-day world, just to pray, think and reflect.
For personal development we all need ‘me time’ to ensure that we are on the right track and staying on the rails by doing the right things. We owe it to ourselves to look after ourselves and rest is essential. As for my mother, she achieved and deserved her ‘me time’ once a month and was a better mum for it.
| ‘Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead – that is where your future lies.’ Ann Landers, advice columnist (amending Kierkegaard) |
6. Making focus
Focus acts like a scent and colour to a honey bee. You can’t help being drawn to your goal and the closer you get, the more powerfully you are pulled towards your desired achievement.
It is a tautology but it’s true that ‘you see what you look for’. When you are hungry, having been for a long drive, what do you see in the next town? Restaurants of course! Once committed to your vision you cannot help but see opportunities that life presents.
We have much to learn from a strange fish called Anableps anableps. It is fantastically well adapted for survival. The pupil in each eye is horizontally divided into two parts, allowing it to see clearly below and above the water. This adaptation allows this fish to find food at or below the surface and also gives it extra protection against predators. Since it spends virtually all of its life swimming at the surface, it needs this extra protection. Take a look at this at www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgOiIvFcN5I.
We also must use our eyes in the same way: one looking at your present situation and the other looking always to the future to see what’s on the horizon. Then you need to construct the best compromise between the two. A good soccer player plays in the ‘now’ but can also read the game. He plays the ball whilst being conscious of the potential opportunities. To extend the analogy, it’s keeping your eye on the ball of opportunities occurring in the game of life both current and long term.
The Anableps anableps
Focus is the superglue that ensures your aspirations are firmly fixed. A mission without focus is like a ship without a crew – it just stays anchored in port. Focus is like a fox in the chicken coop – it just can’t be ignored without losing all your chickens. (We work more on focus and its relationship to effort and energy later.)
Your written mission and focus enjoy a symbiotic relationship since they continually feed off each other as both become stronger.
As you have already discovered, there are so many demands on your time and your life. Personal, family, interests, work and the community all come at you like arrows from a thousand bows making their piercing demands as if you were Saint Sebastian. So, without focus on what is most important, the danger is that you will end up an ‘I wisher’: ‘I wish I had done that’, ‘I wish I had spent time ...’, etc. Well that changes here and now. Now you are a doer, who can look back with pride on what you have achieved.
Grandma’s law
When you have a list of things to achieve, a useful way to allocate your focus is to apply ‘Grandma’s law’. If your Gran was like mine then you will be familiar with: ‘If you eat your vegetables then you can have your ice-cream.’
In other words, when you have your list of priorities for the day, week or month, list them with the worst first and then rank in order so whatever is most enjoyable comes last. If you reverse your list in terms of what you enjoy then each time you complete something the next gives greater pleasure.
7. Making it work
Working on yourself means following this process to get the most from this text:
- Dip into the sections of the text that appeal and study the parts that you find interesting.
- Reinforce the new ideas by undertaking the activities.
- Reflect on what you have done.
- Make a decision about what will work for you, passing over that which does not appeal.
- Set ‘SMARTI’ goals for yourself (we repeat this several times because it is so important):
- Experiment and practise new behaviour after the activities.
- Reflect on the results and the outcomes of the activities.
- Practise, practise, practise again.
- Recognise slippage and get back on track.
- Reward your progress (more on this later).
- Move onto your next SMARTI challenge.
| ‘Tomorrow’s battle is won during today’s practice.’ Japanese proverb |
To be successful without taking action is like hoping to catch a fish without bait. Action is about movement: you could be on the right track but if you are not moving nothing will happen.
One of the reasons that McDonald’s is successful is because when a new site is in the process of being selected it’s all about location, location, location. To get to where you want to go after some practice it’s action, action, action. Success is a troika of goal, focus and action; they are the holy trinity of personal development.
| ‘When all is said and done, more is usually said than done.’ Anon |
| ‘You cannot build a reputation on what you are going to do.’ Henry Ford, car manufacturer |
| ‘Just do it.’ Nike slogan |
With behaviour, nothing happens overnight; it takes time and lots of it. Just like flowers and trees, we are only as good as our root system. When we lack our ‘action roots’ then our development, if any, is severely stunted. If you find yourself becoming impatient consider the bamboo plant. This perennial evergreen can grow anything up to two feet in a day, but that baby bamboo spent seven years below ground before smashing through the surface to become the Olympian of the plant world that it is.