It used to be death and taxes that you couldn’t avoid but now, if you are breathing, expect change. No one so far has found a way to prevent change in themselves, in their families, in their friends, in their work or in their world. Change is endemic and here to stay. As we don’t have a choice about it and it’s unavoidable, the only possible thing that is negotiable is how we manage it.
Resisting change
As humans, once we have learnt to do something, even simple things, we become very suspicious of change and the older we are, the more resistant to change we become. Most people when confronted with change will say ‘No’, before they say ‘Maybe’, before they say ‘Yes’. Change is not easy and we resist change for many reasons.
Our fears might include:
- fear of the unknown
- fear of failure
- fear of looking stupid.
Our possible losses could be:
- loss of status
- loss of friends and relationships
- loss of the familiar.
- the pain of losing friends and colleagues
- the pain of confusion and self-doubt
- the pain of family and peer-group pressure
- the pain of losing the past.
All the above factors, and many more, have an emotional impact because change brings about loss and grieving, with the major emotions and responses being:
- Anger: everything from whining to rage, often undirected or unfocused. This can lead to ‘foot dragging’, mistakes, poor interpersonal relations and even sabotage.
- Bargaining: unrealistic attempts to avoid the situation or make it go away, attempts to strike a special deal, or to work harder so it won’t happen, etc.
- Anxiety: silent or expressed, this is a realistic fear of the unknown or simply catastrophic fantasies.
- Sadness: from silence to tears – the heart of the grieving process.
- Disorientation: confusion and forgetfulness and, even among organised people, a feeling of loss and insecurity.
- Depression: feeling of being down or flat, having the blues, a feeling of hopelessness and being tired all the time.
Dealing with the change situation
With all these negative emotions how do we deal with the change situation? Basically there are four ways in which we respond to change but only one of them (navigator) is helpful and healthy.
Victim
Here you are inert to the process and the problem that needs to be solved or the process that needs to be improved. The victim just suffers pain and is incapable of doing, or does not want to do, anything to relieve it. Victims become isolated as the initial situation develops and moves on. They are passed over and forgotten, like in a medieval battlefield, where the wounded were left to die, usually of gangrene. In organisational terms they are the first to be amputated from the company.
Bystander
Unlike the victim, who appears to suffer but does nothing, if you are a bystander you are totally passive and appear uninvolved and unaffected. You watch what is happening but take no action. You offer no support and no advice. You neither help nor hinder the process as you make your way to the sidelines of the activity.
Critic
Here you play the role of ‘The Abominable No Man’, standing high in the snow pointing out confusion when and wherever you can. Nothing can please you: everything is wrong with the vision, the process and the system. You are blind to any benefits in the end result. You enjoy a life membership of the ‘even if it’s broke don’t change it’ brigade, doing all you can to undermine progress.
Navigator
Here, you are being as constructive as you can, seeing opportunities, giving advice and being helpful wherever you can. You make a real effort to see the end result and provide suggestions as to how to arrive there.
Not all of us can be a navigator and for most of us it’s normal and to a certain extent even healthy to experience grieving for that which is no more. If you know how your grief might manifest itself then, should it occur, you are in a stronger position to deal positively with your inner feelings. Below we discuss the more common emotions you may feel when you recognise that the change is inevitable and there is nothing you can do, except to do your best to manage it.
Change as a process
Change can be a single event in time but the emotional transition is a process that we have to work through. Most of us can only adapt slowly as the new situation occurs or unfolds. We cope with transformation by going through changes in our emotions and our behaviours. Adjustment to change can be experienced as a process with various elements and stages.
Although everyone is slightly different in how they deal with letting go of the old and accepting the new, we usually follow the stages outlined in the following diagram. Whilst it is time-based, the time you ‘stay’ in one stage varies significantly from person to person.
We can show this diagrammatically:
Disbelief
When the change first makes itself known a common reaction is disbelief. You say to yourself, ‘This is not happening, this is so unexpected, this cannot be, etc.’ Rather like the poor policeman who has to inform a mother that her boy has been in a fatal accident and gets the response, ‘No, that’s not my Johnny – you must be wrong.’
Emotional reaction
There are feelings of anger. You say to yourself, ‘This is not fair, I don’t deserve this, this shouldn’t happen, I am going to see my solicitor, MP, shop steward, etc.’ I can remember when I was 15 and working on a building site during my summer holiday. Work ran out and I was fired. To my later considerable embarrassment I told the foreman that he couldn’t fire me ... and anyway I was going to tell my Mum!
Fantasy
Here you try and escape the reality of the situation. You say to yourself, ‘This might not happen, it’s just a bad dream, someone is going to stop this, somehow the situation will be reversed, etc.’ Once, in Scotland, I was working with some employees who had just been made redundant because their factory was closing. The employees were absolutely adamant that the business would be bought and they would keep their jobs. They still stuck to their position even when I pointed to the window which looked out onto the car park where lorries were taking away all the machinery from the plant.
Capitulation
This is perhaps the worst stage, when you know that the change is inevitable and you feel that you will not be able to cope with the new situation. You say to yourself, ‘This is the end for me, I will never be able to cope, I might just as well give up, life has no meaning anymore, etc.’ Unfortunately, one person in 5000, when they lose their job, choose suicide.
Self-reliance, growth in confidence, new skills
As the situation moves on, the individual discovers that they can adapt to the new situation and it’s not as bad as they thought. It’s almost as if they have discovered our mantra, ‘If it’s going to be, then it’s down to me.’ From the new situation they develop new skills and some of the experiences are, to their surprise, enjoyable. Things, ways and methods they thought were stupid and would never work actually have real benefits.
Rather than looking back to ‘the good old days’ they begin to look forward to what else the new situation will bring.
Integration and acceptance
This is the final stage; the individual has accepted their new situation as the norm. For them there is closure and the old situation is history; they have no more emotional lingering for it. They are totally ‘at home’ in the situation which, for them, is now normal.
The four basic survival rules for change
Should you find yourself, and I am sure you will, caught up in a change in your work or in your life here are some suggestions that will help you cope and come out on the other side:
- Rule one: recognise your resistance and emotions but force yourself to show up and be seen to be there. You have to be in it to win it.
- Rule two: let go of the past and live in the present. Don’t just be there in body. Recognise that the change is real and that you are part of it. Tell the truth to yourself – don’t compromise your integrity. Give it your best.
- Rule three: look after yourself physically and gather a support group. Stay away from negative people. Verbalise your difficulties, fears and hopes.
- Rule four: anticipate more changes. Realise that you cannot always get what you want. Give it your best shot and be satisfied. Leverage off your existing skills. Learn to do what you can do and let go of what you can’t control.
 | ‘Every change involves a loss and a gain. The old environment must be given up, the new accepted. People come and go; one job is lost, another begun; territory and possessions are accrued or sold; new skills are learned, old ones abandoned: expectations are fulfilled or hopes dashed. In all these situations the individual is faced with the need to give up one life and accept another.’ Colin Murray Parkes, author of Bereavement: Studies of Grief in Adult Life |
Managing change for your development
- Be very clear what is and what is not in your control. Only be concerned with that which you can control. Concern about the bigger picture only results in unwanted stress.
- Share your fears with someone you trust. We have already covered co-counselling and why it works. As you share your concerns and worries, strategies and options begin to manifest themselves.
- Work hard on options that are available to you. These are the ‘if X ... then Y’ opportunities.
- Use your network. Someone you know has gone through this change or something like it. How did they cope, what did they do and, more importantly, what did they learn? And how would they do it differently next time?
- All change is stressful so refresh some of the stress management techniques suggested in this text.
- Look after your body, eat sensibly, exercise and sleep eight hours a night. Change makes significant demands on your body and unless you are fit you will find that your immune system is considerably weakened.
- Remain flexible in your attitude and your outlook. If you stick in the past then you will miss the opportunities that life throws at you. You cannot develop your life by looking back all the time. As the saying goes: ‘Fighter planes do not have a rear-view mirror.’
- Spend more time with your family and your friends. Clinging to your concerns and worries will damage the relationships that you value.
- If you are in control of the inevitable change then it is advisable not to rush. Baby steps are best, reviewing your progress as you go and learning from any errors. If possible, go for some early wins to provide encouragement and the motivation to continue.
- It’s natural not to want to change the way we have always done something.
- There are lots of reasons why we don’t like to change. These are to do with fear and the pain of loss.
- There are six negative emotions associated with change and basically four positions people take when confronted with change.
- We can understand change as a distinct emotional process moving through disbelief, an emotional reaction, fantasy, capitulation, self-resilience, new skills, developing confidence and finally integration and acceptance.
- There are nine points covering how to personally manage change successfully.