Self-development and working on being successful on your own is like being a marathon runner: it takes a lot of time, energy and effort. Of course there is a lot of satisfaction in being like Frank Sinatra who ‘did it my way’1, but most people prefer to get ‘a little help from their friends’.2
And that help can be invaluable because not only do you have the back-up to keep you motivated and on the right track, but often you can find people who have been there before you. Whatever you want, wherever you are going and whatever goals you have, they have experienced the same path and you should seek their wisdom to assist you on your way.
Support can come from many areas – friends, training programmes, a coach, a mentor – each offering their own brand of help. They will also know people that can help you or point you in the right direction. A good network of support will:
And support can come from the most unexpected places. From now on regard every new person you meet as someone who might be able to help you in the future by becoming part of your network and you theirs. It’s important to make it a reciprocal relationship so that you both feel supported towards achieving your ambitions.
If you are feeling shy or awkward about asking for help then ask yourself, ‘If the positions were reversed, would I be happy to do it for them if I was asked?’ And remember, unless you ask you will never get (unless of course it’s contagious!).
When thinking about who to approach for support, go for experience every time, especially if you know someone who has been successful in what you want to achieve. Someone who has been there before and can help you avoid the pitfalls and mistakes along the way is invaluable.
As far as I know there are no universities issuing degrees in personal development but there are lots of people who have achieved or arrived at where you want to go and have ‘scar tissue’ by making mistakes along their personal journey. So remember, as you make your journey: ‘Best advice comes from scar tissue rather than university issue.’
People with experience are invaluable to have in your network.
Very early in life we quickly learn that ‘it’s not what you know but who you know’ that counts. Achieving success in life is not that easy when you only have yourself to talk to, because you only know what you know and it’s difficult to argue with yourself. Here are 25 suggestions for people who would be useful to have in your support network:
Think about the five people you admire who between them cover all these attributes and whom you could approach as supporters.
Ulysses, in the Trojan War myth, turned to his great friend Mentor, to whom he entrusted the education of his son Telemachus. This proved to be an invaluable role as Ulysses was kept away from home by mischievous and vexatious gods for a decade. During this time Mentor coached and advised Telemachus in the art of kingship and fulfilled his role so admirably that his name as a development expert has survived for 3000 years.
Many people have experienced the huge advantages of having a mentor, both as a role model and a sage resource for advice on topics such as:
For mentoring to be effective, a special relationship of mutual respect between protégé and mentor needs to be in place so that both parties can benefit from the relationship.
Many companies have set up formal mentoring programmes, but if your employer does not enjoy the advantages of such a system there is no reason why you should not find your own. Most successful adults are willing to share the ‘secrets of their success’ and find it flattering to be asked to do so.
The things to look for in a mentor include someone who:
If your mentor has most of the above attributes then they could probably walk on water and calm any storm. The most important thing is to find someone with whom you have synergy and mutual respect.
Things to avoid in a mentor include someone who:
Ideally, to begin with, it’s most helpful to meet weekly for the first month if schedules and commitments allow. These intensive initial meetings will give both parties the opportunity to really get to know each other and for the protégé be able to outline their situation, their needs and their expectations. During this period, mutual expectations are agreed, together with a form of contract (detailing what can or can’t be discussed, how the process might be terminated, mutual confidentiality, etc.) for each party and a timetable for possible meetings.
Occasionally, during this initial phase, should the relationship not live up to the original expectations of either party it can be ended without much embarrassment, pain or danger to either side. As we have said, synergy between mentor and protégé is crucial if mentoring is going to be successful for you both.
Once the start-up stage has been completed, after say one or two months, then periods between meetings can be extended to a month. (Although some people meet once a quarter, I would not recommend fewer meetings than this.)
As you are the protégé, it will be useful to record the action and learning points of your sessions with your mentor and also record your progress. This will form the initial agenda to be discussed at your next meeting. So I’m afraid you’ll need another log book.
It is usually the protégé’s job to set the agenda and it’s helpful for the mentor if they can have the agenda a few days before the meeting so that they have time to prepare. The most popular topics include:
In all of this it’s the protégé’s responsibility to take control of their own development. It’s not the job of the mentor to teach but to guide and encourage the protégé to work things out for themselves and discuss alternatives, thus ensuring total ownership of the mentoring development experience.
In preparation for a meeting with your mentor it will be useful for you to ask yourself some or all of the following questions:
On a semi-regular basis, say every six months, both parties should take stock of how the relationship and the work is progressing. This enables both parties to reaffirm their expectations and perhaps negotiate new ones. There should be no difficulty or embarrassment if either party feels that the process has come full circle.
Nothing lasts forever and one of the dangers of mentoring is that as a protégé you can become dependent on your mentor.
Fledglings have to learn to fly and sometimes they have to be pushed out of the nest to do so. A good mentor will know and inform their protégé that the time has come for them to fly solo. Usually the friendship that has been established over the months then continues on an informal basis. Most mentors are happy to provide an ‘after-sales service’ should their protégé need their help on a topic or difficulty. Assistance is usually given out of friendship.