Introduction

I WAS 27 YEARS old, fresh out of graduate school, and just getting used to being called “doctor.” I had a lot of student loans so I worked part-time as a restaurant server, and when customers would say “Miss,” I was tempted to say, “Actually, it’s Doctor.” Anyway, I was eager to launch my consulting business, but I was stuck. I was intimidated by all of the seasoned coaches and consultants out there. Despite having a background in marketing, I was unsure about how to go about marketing my own business. So I took a step back and asked myself what I knew that could help. A couple of things came to mind: understanding how people think and knowing how to build relationships.

With these things in mind, I somehow got up the courage to approach head honchos in major companies in Philadelphia and ask them to lunch to discuss collaborating. To my surprise, 100 percent of people agreed, and almost three-quarters of them turned into long-term strategic referral partners. Encouraged by the success of these efforts and how much I was enjoying connecting with people, I decided to contact a famous author and suggest that he and I do a joint venture. He was interested, and we ended up doing several projects together. Through networking I met a producer for a major television show and ended up serving as an expert on a program with millions of viewers.

The results of these efforts showed me just how powerful—and how much fun—building business relationships can be. I didn’t have anything special other than knowledge of psychology, which I’m eager to share with you so you can achieve results like these. As a salesperson and rainmaker for a company or the owner of a service business, your success rests on your ability to bring in new clients. Your ability to get new clients begins with your ability to connect.

The Art and Science of Connecting

People say, “Timing is everything.” While I agree that timing is important, I say, “Connecting is everything.”

Your connections determine how someone

• Becomes your client

• Refers to you

• Becomes your fan or loyal follower

• Hires you to speak or train

• Becomes a great joint venture partner

• Becomes a colleague or mentor

• Connects you with others

• Endorses your work and ideas

• Happily pays you what you are worth

• And much, much more

Together we’re going to go through a process of discovering how to initiate powerful professional relationships, how to turn these relationships into loyal, trusting ones that will last for a long time, and how to leverage these relationships to increase your business through referrals and joint ventures.

Communications research shows that what you say is not as important as how you say it. Nonverbal communication, things like your body language and tone of voice, account for approximately 65 percent of the message that is received. Similarly, what you do to connect with people (attend networking events, connect on LinkedIn, and so on) is important but not as important as how you go about connecting with people.

There is both an art and a science behind how to initiate and maintain business relationships that get bottom-line results. I will share the science with you here. It comes from cutting edge and classic studies in psychology. As a psychologist specializing in cognitive-behavioral theories, I’ve studied how people think, feel, and behave—the three things you must understand to best connect with people and influence them to take action. In addition to cognitive-behavioral psychology, I draw from research in social psychology and neuroscience to help you understand

• What attracts people and makes them want to do business with you.

• What makes people remember you.

• What deepens connections and makes relationships meaningful.

• What makes people take action and make purchases or referrals.

So that’s the science. The art comes from personalizing the science in the way that works best for you and those who you do business with. Sometimes people think of psychology and influence as ways to come across as something you’re not. This is the opposite of what’s true. Instead, the goal is for you to be more of who you are—to select the marketing actions, the people, and the style that best fit with who you are. This is the art.

The Three Most Common Challenges in Relationship Marketing

You know those people who instantly attract and connect with everyone they come into contact with? These people make others feel at ease. They make everyone feel special. They are charismatic and magnetic. If this is not you, don’t worry. You don’t need to do these things to be very successful at building business relationships. If this is you, that is great, you have a natural gift that we can leverage to ensure that your connections lead to real-world business results.

Following are the top three challenges people face in building relationships to build their businesses. Some people mostly struggle with one area. Most of us have some challenges with various aspects of all three. Which of these three areas do you struggle with?

Challenge 1: You do not attract the attention of and initiate relationships with the right people

Perhaps you’re shy and approaching people doesn’t come naturally to you. Or perhaps you are fearless and go up to anybody but don’t stand out enough to make them take notice and want to learn more. Perhaps you aren’t sure who to approach or how to go about doing it. I recently conducted an online survey of hundreds of business owners, salespeople, and service professionals whose success depends on their ability to attract new clients via relationships and referrals. When asked about their greatest marketing challenges, people said things like:

• “Identifying the right people to begin a relationship with.”

• “Making contact with the right decision makers.”

• “Getting people to listen. Getting their attention. Getting past voice mail.”

• “It is tough to get the initial meeting. You must differentiate yourself from the other 10 people they may have spoken to that day.”

These are the topics we will cover in Part 1, Chapters 1 through 4. You’ll discover the psychology behind who to approach, how to get attention and make yourself stand out when you approach them, and how to develop immediate emotional connections.

Challenge 2: You do not follow-up and connect to form trust, an emotional bond, and ongoing relationships

This is the business-card-collection phenomenon. You meet potential business partners, make a positive impression. You and the others involved are excited about the opportunities. But the follow-up is not there. As a result, you fail to build strong alliances and create opportunities to work together. Those who responded to my survey reported challenges such as:

• “Finding the common ground in a relationship that you can build upon.”

• “Developing trust on both sides.”

• “Balancing the right mix of follow-up and not coming off as pushy.”

• “Finding unique ways to stay in touch on an ongoing basis.”

We’ll cover these topics in Part 2, Chapters 5 through 8, in our discussions of how to build relationships over time by following up and being memorable in ways that add value to others.

Challenge 3: You do not convert relationships into referrals and new clients and customers

Some people do a great job with both challenges 1 and 2. They create a positive first impression and have great keep-in-touch and follow-up. The problem? They have created many new friends. They give all their stuff away. They don’t get clients, referrals, and actual business from these relationships. They are likeable but don’t generate sales. We’re talking business relationships, not solely friendships, so there must be a benefit to the bottom line. Business owners, salespeople, and service professionals in my survey reported difficulties such as:

• “Getting referrals back—I am the connector but would like reciprocation.”

• “Getting clients to refer me to others.”

• “Turning people who love me and my free stuff into buyers.”

• “My reluctance to ask for referrals.”

Our bottom-line goal is for you to build your business. In Part 3, Chapters 9 through 12, we’ll explore four powerful principles that influence action: social proof, reciprocity, simplicity, and influencing decision making.

Being the Best and Taking Action

We will begin our journey together with an understanding that you are passionate about and great at what you do. I will not get into how to be the best possible service provider that you can be—you know more about your profession than I do. You know the continuing education, professional development, supervision, and consultation routes that you can take to enhance your expertise and your client outcomes. Do these things. The most important thing you can do is to be the best in the world at what you do.

Here is my formula for marketing success:

Be the best + Have a great marketing strategy + Use psychology as you implement your strategy = Clients, clients, and more clients!

To create your great marketing strategy, I highly recommend reading Book Yourself Solid by Michael Port if you haven’t already (or rereading it) and choosing from among his seven core self-promotional strategies: networking, direct outreach, referrals, Web strategy, speaking and demonstrating, writing, and keep-in-touch. I am honored to include Michael’s foreword in this book because Book Yourself Solid and this book go beautifully hand-in-hand.

The social influence tools you’re about to learn are powerful. Take that power seriously, and carefully consider how you will use them to benefit your clients and community. Prioritize the ethical standards of your profession and your personal code of ethics. Be sure that you are providing the best possible service to your clients to ensure that you serve each and every one to the best of your ability.

As you know, knowledge is nothing without action. Ultimately our goal is to help people take action—to hire you, refer from you, buy from you. Similarly, you will need to take action. To help you put the ideas into action, I include Action Steps. You may get the best results from selecting a few and doing them consistently rather than trying to do everything at once.

You’ll find that the more you use the psychology principles we discuss, the better marketing results you’ll get. You’ll begin to enjoy connecting. You’ll feel great about what you have to offer. You’ll approach people in the way that they will be curious and interested—the benefits will be clearly mutual. You won’t need to sell yourself or be pushy or salesy. You’ll exude a natural magnetism and confidence. As I discuss in The Confident Leader, confidence results from approaching something challenging in the right way with the right skills and then practicing it as much as possible. You start to get better results, and your confidence will build. Consequently, the focus will shift from quantity to quality. Your marketing efforts will require less time because they will be more powerful. My goal is for you to enjoy the process of building business relationships, and, of course, the impact on your bottom line. Relationships are my favorite part of doing business, and with the ideas you’re about to learn, I hope they become your favorite part too!

Are you ready to learn the psychology of how to get clients, clients, and more clients?

Great! Let’s begin.