Reading bodies

When reading someone’s body there are three very important things to keep in mind.

First, our bodies communicate in clusters of signs. Just because I touch my mouth doesn’t mean I’m about to tell a lie as it could be just an itch that I need to scratch. But if other body signs occur at the same time, such as:

• perspiration appears
• speech slows up
• eye contact is lost
• a half smile is perceived,

then it would be reasonably safe to assume that what is about to be said needs to be verified before being accepted.

Second, context is also important. Let’s take perspiration and add a dry mouth, which again might be a sign of mendacity, but if the room is hot and the person has just arrived in from the cold then this is more likely to be the body adjusting itself to the different environment. However, should perspiration suddenly occur for the first time in an interview candidate then whatever they say needs more probing as they may not be telling the truth.

Third is to do with sudden changes in the body. If we are sitting comfortably in a chair why would we suddenly move either forward or back from the person to whom we are talking? It could be discomfort but if it’s sudden then it’s more likely to be interest when we move forward and dislike when we move back.

My companion book Brilliant Body Language goes into far more detail on these matters so here we will just deal with the major aspects of body language that will be useful and relevant to self-development.

Your smile

If you wish to get on in all aspects of life, to relate well to others, to persuade and to get into a rapport quickly, then your smile is the best piece of equipment you have available to be proficient and successful in your relationships.

People can very easily detect a false smile where just your mouth and lower face go through the motions. In the full smile, technically known as a ‘Duchenne smile’, the whole face bursts into life. Your face crinkles, showing your crows’ feet, and your eye-brows are slightly raised. In a really genuine smile the head also moves back slightly as if you are going to laugh.

When you use the full smile you will find that meeting someone, especially for the first time, goes particularly well, as does showing appreciation and acknowledging success.

A full smile indicates that you are not a threat, that you have great interpersonal skills and, although not true, is thought to indicate that you are more intelligent.

Your handshake

Most people are surprised to learn that there is no correlation between strength of a person’s grip and the forcefulness of their personality. However this myth is so well embedded into popular psychology that it’s an important aspect of self-development to be able to give a ‘good’ handshake. In your journey of self-development you are going to meet and work with many, many people and a firm handshake is going to create initial positive assumptions about you.

Here is how to do it:

• Hold your hand/palm vertically as in a karate chop, with your thumb up and your arm pushing your hand at elbow height towards the perimeter of your personal space.
• Make full palm contact with the other person and curl your thumb to make a grip. Their hand should be mirroring yours.
• As your hands lock, establish eye contact together with a full smile.
• As you do this your hands move up and down vertically about 10 centimetres twice. Release your hand and eye contact, and move back slightly letting your arm hang loosely by your side.
• If you wish to show respect or defer to the other person then nod your head slightly.

What not to do:

• Compete on who has the strongest grip.
• Play politician and turn your hand to the left so that it is on top or with your left hand grasp the other person’s upper arm. Both movements indicate that you are going to be the top dog in the coming relationship.
• Wipe your hand on your side as if it now carries something contagious which has to be swabbed off.
• Males should not prolong physical contact with the other person if they find them physically attractive.
• Females should not ‘dip’ their eyes as in certain circumstances it can be taken to indicate availability.

The 75 body language signs¹

It’s impossible to cover in detail all the possible body language signs as this would take a whole book in its own right. Taken from the companion text to this, Brilliant Body Language, the following, in alphabetical order is a list of most of these signs with a brief explanation. Being able to recognise just some of those signs whilst engaging in conversation with others will be of tremendous benefit to your self-development since your communication, comprehension and rapport skills will be greatly enhanced.

Making the connection: getting into rapport²

Natural rapport is really a subcomponent of body language. It’s something we do if we like the person we are with. It can almost be summed up in two words – ‘unintentional imitation’ – because we get into rapport without thinking. Like breathing, for most of the time we do not even think about it – we just do it. If there are specific people we want to make a good impression on that we don’t know yet, deliberately getting into rapport, whilst seeming a little Machiavellian, is a useful skill.

We have already covered the smile and the handshake, which will be a great start, but what comes next?

Mirroring

Next time you are in a social gathering or in a restaurant, observe the body positions of couples and you will see something quite interesting: people sitting opposite each other are almost a mirror image of one another. What is more interesting is that a dance is going on: when one person moves, soon after the other person moves in the same way, as if they are in a dance. Hands position themselves in the same way, as do arms, as do the shoulders, arms and feet. Heads nod almost at the same time. If one takes a sip of their drink, soon after the other person does the same.

So here is the first rule of engaging in rapport: make your body slowly move into an identical image of the other person’s body language. This takes real skill and demands a lot of practice until you do it almost unconsciously, which you would do anyway if you really ‘connected’ with the other person. It’s very important to be skilled at mirroring as no one likes to be mimicked. If someone knows about mirroring and sees your incompetent attempts at the skill they can have a lot of fun with you, moving, counter moving and employing strange positions just to see you trying desperately to catch up until you realise what is happening.

When you think that you have achieved rapport the next thing is to confirm it, and to make this assurance we have to engage in leading.

Leading

This is an important skill, especially when we want to persuade or influence someone, because we are more likely to be convinced by a person who is like us. We trust people who are like us.

This is how it works when you reverse roles. Up until now you have been following your partner to get into rapport, now it’s your turn to move, cross your legs, alter the position of your arms – whatever. Then if the other person moves in the same way and mirrors you, you can be fairly confident that you have established rapport with that person. Now is the time to present your ideas or concepts, or offer a product or service that you want the other person to accept.

This, then, is the process:

If the other person does not follow, then return to mirroring and repeat the cycle until they follow.

Master these skills, including how to introduce yourself effectively (which is covered in the following chapter), and you will be well able to build instant rapport and influence with anyone you meet.

• We speak more honestly with our bodies than we do with our words.
• We can learn how to read body moves and interpret them accurately.
• This must be done in the context of the social situation.
• Smiles and handshakes – you need to know how to do them properly so you are not disadvantaged.
• You now know 75 body language signs and what they could mean.
• We have learned how to confirm that you are in rapport with the other person and when it’s appropriate to attempt to persuade them.