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Don’t Fan the Flames

A flame is an e-mail message that uses negative and not-so-nice language to forcefully deliver an inflammatory opinion or point of view. Flaming is the online version of face-to-face conflict, such that one person makes a provocative remark and the other immediately fires a zinger back, and so on. However, the online medium, unlike the real world, offers anonymity without the fear of embarrassment or physical aggression, so flaming is more common because there’s less personal risk to life and limb.

One single flame can start a “flame war” such that an ongoing back-and-forth rally of insults builds to a deafening crescendo. Many flames are started with the use of ALL CAPITAL LETTERS—the e-mail equivalent of screaming. Imagine receiving this message in your mailbox.

Subject: I’m really PO’d
From: Barbi
Date: Friday, June 13
To: Pamela

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Was it to much too ask that you cover my phone yesterday?! YOU SAID YOU WOULD—but I now know you didn’t. That was very THOUGHTLESS and has caused me a lot of grief today.

Your buttons have been pressed and you are ready to do some flaming of your own—right back at Barbi! Your response might look like this:

Subject: Re: I’m really PO’d
From: Pamela
Date: Friday, June 13
To: Barbi

I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PATHETIC WHINING. You take so much time off, I can’t answer you phone all day long. I have my own to answer. Perhaps you should look for another job—one where you don’t have to be responsible for anything!

Barbi, wanting the last word, responds to this e-mail with more uppercase upper cuts, and so it goes until the flame loses its heat and turns to ashes—with the situation unresolved and the coworker relationship damaged.

If you are ever flamed, try to avoid the knee-jerk reaction to fight back and fire off an equally poisonous message of your own. Instead of fanning the flames, allow them to die quickly by either not responding, or, if it is necessary to respond, waiting until you are calm and collected. Here is the message that Pamela might have sent if she had resisted the urge to fire back so fiercely:

Subject: Re: I’m really PO’d
From: Pamela
Date: Friday, June 13
To: Barbi

Barbi:I got your message. I wanted to explain that I was getting your phone yesterday until I got very busy and was unable to. We have to work together so I want to resolve this. When can we talk by phone or in person?

Pamela