2
Be Concise and to the Point

Imagine having a heated conversation with one of your associates, in which you are excitedly explaining your ideas about a lunchtime Jacuzzi party. Your message would probably be conveyed in a torrent of words, ideas tumbling out in random order. Because you are engaged in a dialogue, your conversation partner is not concerned about the words you use, your sentence structure, or the repetitiousness of your vocabulary. But in e-mail, unlike in a reallife conversation, your reader is focused on the words, and nothing more, so your message must be more precise, your sentences shorter, and your ideas presented in a logical order.

An e-mail written the same way the sender speaks is heard to read and easy to ignore. For example:

From: Tanya Hideoff
Subject: Lunchtime Jacuzzi Party
Date: May 17
To: Allison Wonderland

Dear Allison:

I am soooo excited about this idea that I just came up with! I was sitting at my desk staring out the window and chewing on a pencil when I had this flash of brilliance! Why not forego the footlong, dump the deli, say sianara to the sandwich, and sit in hot water at lunch instead of stuffing our faces?

Just think of it. You’d come back to work refreshed and ready to turbo-tap the keyboard to a new level of productivity—plus you’d be losing weight at the same time. Who needs lunch? And anyway, if we got hungry we could always have a protein bar handy. The hot water would be invigorating and relaxing, just what the doctor ordered after a hectic morning of e-mail-writing and phone calls.

The one problem is that there isn’t a Jacuzzi anywhere close. The nearest is across town and it would take at least an hour there and back. I am following up with Lisa Mona, in sales, she has one at her house that she says we can use as long as we contribute to the cost of heating the tub. Which won’t be a lot. Probably no more than $3 a month for each of us. Her place is relatively close and she said she would provide us with towels as part of the deal. Lisa can be a bit temperamental, so I’d like to find an alternative, just in case she flakes out at the last minute.

Would you be willing to talk to people in your department to see if you can come up with alternatives? I think Adam Sapple has one at his place but I’m not sure.

Okay, let me know what you think. I can’t wait to get started!

Best,

Tanya

P.S. Lisa’s tub can hold up to six people but I want to be really selective about who we invite to our lunchtime lounging session. ;-)

Phew! Did you make it through to the end? Tanya’s e-mail is way too chatty and ridiculously long. If Allison is busy (and who isn’t?), there’s a good chance that she will stop reading long before the end. If Tanya trimmed the fat on this e-mail, she could still convey her ideas, but in a way that keeps the reader interested. For example:

From: Tanya Hideoff
Subject: Lunchtime Jacuzzi Party
Date: May 17
To: Allison Wonderland

Dear Allison:

I just came up with a great idea: spending lunchtime in a Jacuzzi! It would be relaxing and refreshing, and would rejuvenate us for work in the afternoon. The closest tub belongs to Lisa Mona, in sales; she has one at her house that she says we can use if we pay something toward the electric bill.

Let me know if you are interested.

Best,

Tanya