People don’t operate in a vacuum. We’re social animals and we need interaction. We play off each other. We spark each other’s imaginations. Our emotional and mental needs are often met not by what we communicate, but by the way we communicate it.

This isn’t big news; it’s a reminder that communication relies on both (or all) the people involved to be effective. When the person you’re talking to appears not to be listening, you feel angry, or belittled, or frustrated. You know this, but do you always stop to think about the effect you’re having on other people?

If you want your relationships to be rewarding and productive – which you do – you need to acknowledge your own contribution to each conversation and interaction. For example, if you look like you’re expecting a fight, you’ll get a fight. If you act like you’re a pushover, people will take advantage of you. If you appear confident, other people will trust you to do the job properly.

Any time you want a particular response or reaction from someone, think about what you put into the communication in order to get what you want out of it. This might be a one-off challenge – maybe to get your boss to give you a chance to prove yourself – or it might be an ongoing pattern you want to break. So if your friend always talks you into doing things you don’t really want to, think about what it is you do or say that makes your friend put pressure on you. Have you got in the habit of giving up before you start, and saying no when you know you’ll say yes eventually? If you want things to change, you’ll need to work on that. Next time, be prepared to be assertive and mean it when you say no.

I’ve known people who get far less than they deserve out of meetings because they sound hesitant when they speak. It makes them seem unsure, inexperienced, incapable. Especially if they use an upward inflection at the end of sentences which sounds as if they’re even questioning themselves. No one in the room is conscious of why they react as they do – they just don’t feel convinced by the speaker. The very same person, making the very same recommendations, might get an entirely different response if they spoke with conviction and confidence.

Obvious as this may seem, just observe how many people fail to grasp it. All around you, you’ll see people who say they don’t want to row with their kids, but then aggressively nag or criticise and wonder why their kids answer back. You’ll see people who want to persuade a meeting round to their way of thinking, but go into the room defensive and belligerent, which is never going to help.

It’s not as obvious as it seems when it’s you talking. So next time a conversation doesn’t go the way you want it to, try reflecting on how you approached it. I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m not saying you do it every time. But if you want things to go your way, think about it.