We all have a backstory. It explains why we behave as we do. OK, it doesn’t always justify it, but at least it’s a reason for our behaviour. Of course, no one else ever knows all the details and complexities of your backstory like you do, but lots of people get the gist.

There’ll be a reason why certain things make you feel more anxious, stressed, excited, cynical, depressed, relaxed, angry, confident than other people do. It might be genetic, it might be because of bad past experiences, or according to Freud it might all be down to your parents. Friends might say that you shouldn’t stress so much about this, or be so suspicious about that, or be too laid back, or shout so much. But they don’t understand – if they’d been to the same school as you, or lived through the poverty you have, or had siblings like yours, or worked for your last boss, they’d realise why you behave that way.

Listen, this is true of everyone. There’s no one on the planet who isn’t shaped by their personal experiences. So when your colleague snaps at you, or your friend lets you down, or your partner forgets your birthday, just remember there’s always a reason. It might be a rubbish reason, but there’s a reason.

And I’m telling you this because if you can understand the reason, it makes it easier to deal with other people’s negative behaviour. Even if you can’t change the way they act, you’ll find it slightly easier to take if you get the reasons behind it. And often simply because you’re prepared to understand, they can let go of being defensive and decide to change their behaviour.

Suppose your boss is always stressy whenever there’s a risk of getting behind schedule, whether it’s a prestige project or just an internal lunch meeting. It’s not your fault, and you don’t appreciate them taking out their stress on you. But what if you knew – or even just suspected – that their father was a strict disciplinarian who hated lateness? Or in their last job they missed out on promotion because they missed a crucial deadline? Doesn’t that make you feel a weensy bit more sympathetic? Wouldn’t you like to help a bit? Good. Then make sure that you’re always in good time, and if anything has to run up to the wire, keep your boss fully in the picture well in advance about when everything will happen, and spell out why it means you won’t overrun. There now. Your boss will be less stressed and less stressy with you. Isn’t that better?

Let’s be clear – I’m not excusing bad behaviour.¹ Of course no one should take their stress out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Or their anger, their anxiety, their insecurity or anything else. But it happens. This is about helping you to cope when you’re on the receiving end of it. I’m not asking you to understand the other person’s motivations for their sake, but for yours.