While we’re on the subject of moaners and complainers, here’s a group of tricky people who appear to be moaners but are actually up to something else. Ever heard a conversation like this?

A: I didn’t get home until 10pm last night.
B: Yeah, tell me about it … I wasn’t home until 10.30 on Monday.
A: I’d been in since 8am too.
B: I’ve had to come in at 8am every day this week.
A: Yeah, but I was completely shattered because I’d done three hours of driving between branch offices too.

And so on. Competitive complainers. My favourite example is the Monty Python sketch about the bunch of old guys competing over who had the toughest childhood (‘I was brought up in a paper bag in the middle of the road … ’). Yes, these people are complaining, but their motivation is not the same as that of the persistent moaners who were so irritating me in the last Rule.

Oh no. These people are martyrs under a different guise. This time they’re dragging other people down with them. They want everyone to know how hard they work, how much they suffer, and how unappreciated they are. And like any other martyrs, they’ll get worse if you reward them by sympathising (go back and re-read Rule 89 if it helps). Just ignore them and move on.

Obviously martyrs and competitive complainers are still capable of doing things well, and they deserve praise or recognition when they do. But don’t link it to the martyr behaviour. Make sure you catch them when they’re not complaining to tell them how pleased you are with them.

This is a particularly common behaviour between siblings – no surprises there – who are in part also competing for parental attention. So do a regular quick mental check to make sure you are distributing your time, praise, rewards and approval fairly. You very possibly are, mind you – this is about perception, which doesn’t have to tally with reality. If so, reassure your complaining child, but not when they’re complaining.

Actually it’s easy for some people to get sucked into these competitions without ever initiating them. And that’s interesting too. Apart from the once-in-a-blue-moon competitors, there is a category of people who don’t start the moaning, but often pick up on it and get into a tit-for-tat competition. These are the people who wouldn’t normally dream of complaining, but can’t quite allow someone else to be seen to suffer more than them. So these people may genuinely deserve and need more recognition than they routinely get. Worth thinking about anyway – if they’re not martyrs but silent sufferers, you can safely acknowledge their value without perpetuating negative behaviour.