No, really. It’s hard to describe how weird and wonderful other people’s relationships can look from the outside, quite possibly including your own. Some very happy-looking relationships can be unhappy or even abusive below the surface, while some of the most worrying relationships might actually be giving both partners exactly what they need. Even that is fraught – some people have an emotional need for something that might not be in their best interests. So however it looks to you, you just have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Even if – especially if – one of the two people involved takes you into their confidence.

Let me give you just a few examples, all of them based on couples I have known:

• They never have a cross word, and appear happy. But both hate conflict so are hiding a mass of unresolved problems they don’t know how to address.
• They argue constantly, but are both passionate people who enjoy releasing their feelings, and enjoy making up afterwards. They’re actually really happy together.
• They argue constantly, and it works well for one of them. The other one is deeply unhappy but every time they raise it, there’s another argument.
• One of them is very controlling. The other is compliant, but enjoys the feeling of being able to rely wholly on their partner.
• One complains constantly that the other is useless. But when the other one tries to contribute, the first one carps and criticises and tells them how useless they are.

These are bound to be only a miniscule sample, and hugely oversimplified, because every relationship is unique. The point, however, is the same – don’t ever try to judge someone else’s relationship.

This kind of hidden agenda can apply to relationships other than romantic partners, parents and their adult children being the most obvious example. Mind you, these are different because you’re stuck with your parents/children (unless you take the very drastic measure of cutting them out completely). But then some romantic partners are stuck with each other, unable for whatever reason to separate.

Listen, all relationships take two people. A relationship is a thing we create together. We might be happy, or we might have chosen to be resigned, or compliant, or aggressive. But somewhere along the line, that choice has worked for us or we wouldn’t have made it. Just remember that when you’re trying to grasp what two of your friends could possibly be doing together.

If you have a difficult relationship with a parent, by the way, the odds will have been stacked unfairly in their favour for the first couple of decades of your relationship, but even so you won’t respond exactly as your siblings do (or would if you had them). In fact you might respond very differently. Somehow you’ve found a way of co-existing up to now. If it’s not what you want, you’ll have to take positive action if you want it to change.