I know someone who used to do a bit of fortune telling, tarot card reading, astrology – you know the sort of thing – to earn some money on the side. He had a list of things he could say to people which made them feel he’d really got the measure of them, but in fact you could say them to absolutely anyone. One of these was, ‘Ah! I see you’re not easily won over by flattery … ’. I particularly loved the irony of this one, which apparently used to go unnoticed by everyone on the receiving end of it.

If you look up flattery in a dictionary, you’ll see that it means excessive or insincere praise. Which makes the phrase ‘empty flattery’ almost meaningless, since the whole point is that flattery is empty praise.¹³ Some people will lap up any kind of flattery, while others recognise it for what it is and resent the insincerity. Even if you know you’re dealing with the first type, you’re still in effect lying to them if you give them praise you don’t really mean.

You don’t want to get caught out bestowing shallow and false praise on anyone, by them or by the people listening. You will come across as lacking integrity at best, and at worst you could get hoist with your own petard later (‘I wanted to give you my latest painting because you loved it so much. You can hang it on your living room wall.’)

Of course, praising people is a valuable way of building loyalty and helping you both to feel you’re on the same side. It shows consideration and care for the other person and it can encourage them to keep doing the stuff they’re doing well. And it can just make them feel good about themselves, regardless of any benefit to you. Just because this group of Rules is about getting people on your side, it doesn’t mean you can’t also act altruistically.

So don’t stop giving praise. But do make sure that you really mean what you say. Never allow genuine praise to turn into empty flattery or everyone loses out. My family has quite a few actors in it, and it’s a persistent actor worry what to say to a friend when you’ve been to see them in a show that you didn’t like. You go round backstage afterwards and you have to say something. In all the after-show buzz it’s really not a good time to give them notes on how to improve. The answer to this quandary – and any similar situation you may face – is to find something you enjoyed and just focus on that: ‘Darling, you spoke your lines wonderfully!’ (which could mean a lot of things, frankly) or ‘What a beautiful looking production!’ or even ‘I can’t believe you managed to learn all those lines – what a huge part. However did you do it?’ In other words sound positive, but without saying anything you don’t actually mean.