You can argue semantics with me on this one. What one person classifies as banter, the next person might term teasing. Or bullying. Either way, the last Rule was obviously about affectionate and harmless ribbing, while this one is about the territory between what I call teasing and something that is clearly bullying. I’m using banter to mean something that upsets the other person. However, the most obvious feature of this grey area is that the perpetrators have no intent to upset the other person (whereas bullying is sustained and deliberate victimisation). And yet they do.

One of the interesting things about bullying is that it’s very hard to assess objectively. Someone at work might say something to you as a jokey put-down, and you might find it amusing and enjoy finding a witty retort. But the same comment from the same person to one of your colleagues might be deeply upsetting. In a scenario like this, it’s hard to argue that the person making the remark is a bully. They didn’t intend to upset anyone, and yet … and yet … well, they have upset someone. Because it’s not just what you say, or even how you say it, but also who you say it to.

This is the grey area I mean by banter. And it shouldn’t happen, clearly, because someone has been upset and that’s never alright. But I didn’t call it banter when the comment was made to you – that was affectionate teasing and it’s fine. So your workmate is allowed to make this comment to you – but not to their other colleague. Same comment, same commenter, different rules. Confusing, isn’t it? The thing is, we all have different experiences and different views of the world. There will be a reason why one person is hurt by a remark that another person would shrug off. Of course, you don’t know what that reason is, or indeed how they’ll react before it happens.

It means that when you make this kind of jokey, teasing remark, you have to be alert to the other person’s response. If you’ve evidently overstepped the mark and you get the message and don’t repeat it, that’s the best you can do. If you continue with such remarks, you’re straying dangerously close to bullying territory. Yep, you’re saying something in the knowledge it will upset the other person. There’s no getting round that being bullying. Similarly, anyone – even if they’re a friend of yours – who persists with comments once they know they are upsetting someone, is becoming a bully.

The worst cases of banter tend to be among groups of friends, where sustained banter about one of the group can help to cement the ‘tribe’. Everyone jokes about how short so-and-so is, for example, because that’s become part of the behaviour that identifies you as a member of the tribe. Often almost everyone in the group gets picked on for some characteristic or other. Meanwhile so-and-so wants to stay in the tribe, but actually hates being ribbed about their height. They feel bullied, but don’t feel they can say so.

The banter within groups can become a serious form of bullying, where the victim can’t express their hurt because this would weaken their membership of the tribe. Yet they don’t feel able to leave the tribe. As Rules players, of course, we need to make sure this isn’t happening among our friends, never join in, and do our best to put a stop to it. Not easy, but we have to try.