Right. So teenagers are torn between the scariness of growing up, and the temptations of staying dependent on you. But they know that they have no choice and the growing up has to happen. So – and listen closely because this bit is important – the only way they can cope with growing up is if they’re absolutely certain that you’ll still be there if they need you. That the staying dependent choice isn’t really being taken away from them – it’s just them who are moving away from it. The safety net is always there.

Suppose your 3-year-old comes to you sobbing because their Lego toy has fallen apart. What do you do? You sympathise, explain how to stop it breaking (don’t drop it, or stamp on it, or leave it for the dog to play with), and help them put it back together. That means they can go on to build themselves bigger and better things, knowing that if it goes horribly wrong you’ll help them sort it out.

Now fast forward 10 or 12 years. And let me give you an example involving some kids I know. Three of them secretly decided that they wanted to know what it was like to smoke cannabis. The grown-ups had all told them it was BAD, but they were old enough to be aware that lots of people did it with no obvious ill effects. So they weren’t sure the grown-ups were telling them the truth, and they decided to find out for themselves. They managed to get hold of a small amount of the stuff, and tried smoking it one evening. As it happens, it made them cough horribly and they resolved never to touch it again.

But, being teenagers, they couldn’t resist bragging a bit at school. And someone told a teacher. Who told the parents. Now imagine you’re one of those parents. What are you going to do? (Remembering the bit that I told you earlier was very important.) I can tell you how the three parents reacted, if that helps. They all dealt with it differently:

• One parent shouted at their child about what a disappointment she was and how disgusted they were. She eventually took herself off to bed, where she was woken at 6am the following morning to be told again what a disappointment she was.
• One parent was angry with their child and banned them from visiting their friends’ houses.
• One parent talked to their child about the pros and cons of drugs, and discussed the incident with them. They didn’t get angry and didn’t impose any sanctions.

Now, which of these teenagers knew that their parents were there for them just like they used to be? That growing up is scary, and we all make mistakes, but their parents were still there to help? And, most importantly of all, which one of these kids is going to tell their parents next time they’re in trouble and can’t fix it on their own?

Once they reach mid-teens, you should have instilled in them about as much sense as you’ll get the chance to. They need to do this growing up stuff by themselves, mistakes and all. And the only thing you can usefully do is make sure they’ll talk to you when it goes wrong.