A colleague of mine was always saying he wanted a change of career. He started saying it when we worked together and he was still saying it when I moved on two years later. And five years after that. To begin with I tried to be supportive. I made suggestions – he was asking for them – about things he’d be qualified at, good at, enjoy and so on. But whatever I suggested, he came up with a reason why it wouldn’t be possible. The money wouldn’t be enough, his qualifications wouldn’t count for anything, there were no suitable employers in the area. And so on.

After a while I realised that he didn’t really want to move at all. So I gave up making suggestions. He kept talking about it and asking for my ideas, but I delicately avoided putting any forward.

This is a pattern commonly known as ‘Yes, but … ’.¹¹ Whatever you suggest, the other person knocks it back with some reason why it won’t work. One of the problems with this is that it can leave you feeling frustrated because you want to be helpful but you seem unable to. This is demoralising with a colleague, but that’s nothing to how you can feel if you routinely play this game with a close member of your family.

In fact, in one way you are being more helpful than you realise. The object of the exercise in the other person’s mind (not necessarily consciously) is actually to be able to rebut all your suggestions. So by feeding them a steady stream of ideas they can reject, you’re giving them just what they want. Whether it’s good for their psyche in the long term is another matter.

So, you want me to tell you why anyone would ask for suggestions just so they can reject them. Well, people are complicated, and ‘Yes, but … ’ can fulfil any one (or more) of several needs. I have known people who play this game frequently in order to gain sympathy for their impossible predicament. One thing you’ll notice when you get dragged into a ‘Yes, but … ’ session is that it can go on for a while, and all that time the attention is firmly on the person who initiated it. Yep, it can be an effective attention-seeking ploy. Although I should emphasise that the perpetrator is very rarely, in my experience, conscious of what they’re doing – at least not fully.

Another reason for ‘Yes, butting’ is because it removes responsibility for the decision from the person making it and puts it on to you. When you fail to come up with a viable suggestion (which is your job), then it’s you that has failed and not them. Besides, it’s not their fault if they can’t reach a satisfactory resolution when you have clearly shown that there isn’t one.

Once you realise someone is playing ‘Yes, but … ’, your best bet is to stop making suggestions. Turn it around and ask them what they think they should do. Unless it’s you, of course, in which case you need to ask yourself why you’re doing it.