I hope I didn’t upset you in the last few Rules, suggesting you were making things worse for people when you were only trying to help. I realise you hate seeing people you care about upset, and you want to make things better. Quite right too.

So I have a suggestion. Why don’t you help them to make better decisions for themselves? That way you won’t be tempted to wade in, and they’ll be more self-sufficient and happier. You’ll still feel you’ve helped, so everyone’s a winner. I can’t promise they’ll make the same decision you would, but then maybe what works for you wouldn’t be right for them anyway. At least they’ll have thought the whole thing through properly.

By the way, this approach works whether the other person asks you for advice directly, or whether they just come to you to talk over their problems. It’s nice to know you have a one-size-fits-all response you can use. And it’s just so simple. All you have to do is ask questions.

Yep, that’s it. Easy, huh? Of course, they mustn’t be leading questions which suggest their own answer. You want open questions – ones which require a full and proper answer, not just a yes or no response. You can start by asking the other person to tell you all about the problem. Even if you already know a lot of it, you’re doing this for them not you. The process of describing it will help them to see it clearly, which in turn will help them find their way through.

Then you can start asking them more specific questions. Get them to explore all the options. Don’t point them towards or away from anything, even if you’re tempted. Got to do this properly or it won’t work. And concentrate on their feelings because those are the bits that matter. It’s not about solutions, so asking what will happen if … matters less than asking how they will feel if …

So explore all their options in terms of ifs and whethers: How would you feel if … ? Suppose that … ? Keep thinking of options – without recommending them – and get them to think clearly through all the possibilities before them. Let’s say your friend is trying to decide whether to move in with their partner and they’re really unsure. What if they do and the relationship breaks up? What if they do and things work well? What if one of them moves closer to the other so they can spend most of their time together? Help them think through the ramifications and how they would feel in each case.

I remember talking to someone who was absolutely torn about whether or not to risk turning a hobby into a commercial business. She was terrified it would all go wrong. Once she’d had a chance to think it through calmly however, she came to see that she could start in a small way and find out if she had a viable business idea with actually very little risk. It wasn’t the huge worry she had supposed at all. She needn’t scale up unless she could see it would work.

It’s amazing how much difference thinking things through clearly can make. And sometimes it takes a friend like you to make it possible. No advice, no pressure. Just some really sensible, intelligent questions. Then you’ll have really helped.