We all like to be appreciated. Clichéd but true. Not only that, but people appreciate being appreciated, if you see what I mean, so the act of thanking them will make them want to do their best for you next time. After all, they can be pretty sure their efforts will be noticed and their contribution valued. So everyone wins, because you get what you need from them, and they get to feel good.

There’s an art to thanking people. Although almost any thanks is better than none, there are many nuanced ways to say thank you, and finding the best one is a real skill.

The first thing is to get the proportion right. This isn’t difficult once you think about it, but it’s easy to get wrong if you blunder in thoughtlessly. You don’t want to overthank or underthank, do you? You can patronise or embarrass people by making a huge deal out of a relatively minor contribution. By the same token, you don’t want to undervalue someone’s help by calling out a cursory ‘Oh, thanks, by the way … ’ as you leave the room, if they’ve put in a huge amount of effort and given up loads of free time to you.

And what have they done? Before you say thank you, think this one through. Oh, all right, you don’t need to analyse what you’re thanking them for every time they make you a cup of tea – but when they’ve worked hard on a project, or helped organise your wedding, or listened to you moan for days on end, or spent hours researching stuff for you. You need to think it through so you can tell them.

This is at the heart of a really valuable thank you. Let the person know exactly what you are grateful for. Their endless patience? The evenings they gave up? Their attention to detail? Their kindness? Their calmness in a crisis? Say it to them in words – never assume they know. Yes, they know what they did, but they don’t know what you valued unless you tell them. Say it or write it, but spell it out.

Now decide how you’re going to say thanks. It’s not just about what the person has done, but also who they are. Some people much prefer a private thank you. Some will appreciate a personal gift, others might like a card with a carefully worded message. Some will want public appreciation. Don’t thoughtlessly give a bottle of wine to a teetotaller, or a bouquet of lilies to someone with hay fever, or throw a surprise party for someone who hates surprises.

An unexpected thank you is worth more than an obvious one. A note or a small gift or a special phone call to say thanks out of the blue are worth much more than the thank you that is accepted as standard, for example thanking the conductor at the end of the school concert. Which means – I hope you’ll realise – that you really need to think hard if you’re giving a routine thanks to someone who has really earned it, if you want them to feel properly appreciated. It takes a lot to make it sound genuine when you have to say it anyway. The way to do that is to make it as specific and personal as possible, to show you’ve truly noticed what they’ve done.