Each of us is a unique concoction of our genes, our upbringing, our experiences. None of these are things we can change. And together these ingredients make us the extraordinary, unique people we are today.

Now, I don’t know if you’re much of a cook, but if you were to put together eggs, self-raising flour, butter and sugar, you’d pretty much get a cake of some sort.³ There’s not a lot you can do about that. If you’d wanted an omelette, say, you shouldn’t have put the sugar in (or indeed the flour, and most of the butter). If you’re working with a preset group of ingredients, you don’t have much room for manoeuvre.

This is just as true of people. They are what they are. A given set of genes, along with a particular history of experiences. Most of us don’t spend a lot of time thinking about what made us who we are, so we don’t have much control over how we behave, react, feel, cope, function.

It’s easy to look at other people and think they ‘shouldn’t’ behave a certain way, but actually they haven’t got much choice. You might think you’d act differently, and you’d probably be right, because your raw ingredients are different. If you started out with no flour or sugar, and you’ve even got a nice bit of cheese, you could produce a lovely omelette. But they can’t.

I’m not saying you and I can’t learn to change if we want to, but that’s because we can choose to expose ourselves to circumstances that enable us to do that. Or, of course, maybe we can’t make that choice right now – we’d need the right ingredients to be able to change.

Let’s not get into a philosophical debate about free will and determinism (interesting though that is). This is about other people. And the Rule is that other people don’t have the same choices as you (if they even have any choices) about how they behave. So you can’t expect them just to magic themselves into a different person because it suits you. Whether your partner can’t cope with commitment, or your boss never delegates properly, or your child is hopeless with money, or your dad doesn’t know how to express affection, or your sister always chooses to criticise rather than praise – you’ll drive yourself mad trying to make them who you think they should be. The sooner you accept them as they are, the easier it will be for you.

Your boss can’t delegate because of an almost infinitely complex array of past experiences and innate character, and unless they choose to change, it just won’t happen. Maybe it won’t even if they really want to. You’re banging your head against a brick wall. If your relationship can only work if your partner changes their attitude to commitment, then I’m afraid it can’t work, because their attitude is a part of them. Of course, you could maybe choose to change your need for commitment … or could you?