People who patronise often come from the same place as bullies – they put you down in order to big themselves up. They are insecure and plagued with self-doubt, and they deal with it by trying to cement your position lower down the social, intellectual or corporate ladder than they are.

As with so many kinds of difficult behaviour, this is about them and not you, and your best bet is to stay calm and politely but firmly draw attention to what they’re saying: ‘Why do you say I wouldn’t understand? Would you like me to explain it for you?’. In front of other people, this can be very effective because it makes them feel so uncomfortable they’ll think twice about doing it again.

One thing to look out for is that you aren’t encouraging this behaviour. I have known people who complain about being treated as if they’re incompetent, for example, and yet whenever they’re given a task, they ask constantly for reassurance they’re doing it properly. If this is you, it’s not that surprising if some people question whether you’re up to the job. They should find a better way to express this concern than by patronising you – nevertheless if you behaved more confidently, they’d stop casting aspersions on your competence.

Not everyone who patronises you, however, is doing it deliberately. Generally speaking, if it’s not deliberate, it will be disguised as either kindness or praise. So someone helping you across the road is great if you need help, but can be patronising if you don’t. It comes from a place of kindness though, so it’s best responded to gently: ‘I can manage, thank you, but I appreciate the offer.’ After all, you don’t want to put them off offering to help the next person, who might actually need it.

If you are older, or young, or disabled, or a woman, people sometimes patronise you by speaking to your companion instead of you. It’s the companion who needs to be onside here, and can keep referring questions back to you so that you speak for yourself. (They may need reminding.)

And a classic way of patronising someone is to praise them for something that doesn’t warrant it. I have to say a lot of women do this when they say to their partner, ‘Well done for replacing the old loo roll/vacuuming round/bathing the baby’. The implication here is that they are surprised their men were capable – which is deeply patronising. They wouldn’t expect to be praised for doing the same thing.

Sexist men can do the exactly the same thing to women, offering praise for executing a three-point turn successfully, or changing a light bulb, or closing a deal. Lots of things warrant praise, but unwarranted praise is just patronising. Try asking the person if they think it’s difficult – it should make them think about what they’re doing, and may draw their attention to how irrational it is to praise you. If that doesn’t work, you’ll need to change their perception of you through experience. It takes time, but in the end they’ll learn it’s normal for you to operate a vacuum cleaner or point a car in another direction.