Ever had to give a presentation at work? It can be terrifying. Maybe not every time, but they can have a lot hanging on them in terms of meeting targets, impressing the boss, and maybe having an impact on more senior management too. You feel anxious and worried, of course you do, because it matters and nothing must go wrong.

Other people seem to give slick, polished performances and look as confident as if they were just making themselves a sandwich or going for a walk. Nothing to it – done it countless times before. Why would anything go wrong?

It’s all an act, you know. Inside, they feel just as nervous as you do. And on the outside, you probably look as calm and self-possessed as them. Why wouldn’t they be worried? Their presentation matters as much as yours, so it would be strange if they didn’t worry.

Yes, I know there are a few very lucky people out there who are such confident and experienced public speakers that they really don’t get anxious. But far fewer than you think. And a handful who don’t get as nervous as you do – again, far fewer than you think. Even if you hyperventilate wildly and think you’re going to pass out, you’re in a much bigger minority than you realise.

And here’s another thing. Those people who really do take presenting in their stride – all of them get insecure and nervous in other situations. Everyone does. Not all to the same degree, but everyone recognises that feeling. Maybe it’s brought on by going to parties, or having to cook for people, or swimming, or job interviews, or committing to a relationship, or spiders, or hospitals, or having sex. We are all a product of our experiences, and no one has had a life devoid of the kind of experiences that lead to feelings of insecurity, worry and anxiety. No one.

If you want to understand people (and that’s the way to have the most productive relationships), you need to know that however confident someone appears, they’ll have their own insecurities hidden away somewhere. You might never see them, but you can be sure they’re there. Sometimes someone you consider to be really together will behave in a totally unexpected way. And maybe it will be because deep down they’re just feeling small and anxious. I know people who have a tendency to get angry if they feel under pressure to do something that seems a bit scary to them. Even if they put the pressure on themselves. Some people clam up, or get defensive, or come up with all sorts of spurious arguments against a course of action. They either don’t recognise or don’t want to admit to their insecurity, but that’s what’s behind it. So be on the lookout for hidden insecurities, and be kind when you spot them. You know how it feels.