A wise man I used to work with pointed out to me once that just about everyone in the world falls into one of two groups when it comes to work. We all have a significant preference for either project-based or routine-based work. Personally, I like a project. That’s one of the reasons I write books. I see a thing through from start to finish and then I start fresh on something else. I’ve worked in companies where I’ve set up departments, and then moved on to something else. I get bored and frustrated just doing the same thing day in, day out. At least, that’s my perspective.

Other people, of course, enjoy the security of a job which continues in the same vein indefinitely – with the occasional promotion – and they find variety in the detail which I can’t see, because I’m always rushing on to the next thing. The world is full of jobs of both kinds, at every level, from school leaver to senior management. And the world needs both kinds of people.

Strangely, this isn’t something I hear careers advisers talking to people about. But if you apply for a routine-based job when you’re a project person, or vice versa, you won’t really be happy doing it. More people should point this out to teenagers, and to anyone looking for a new career.

This is just one example of the kind of holes you have to match up with the right pegs. There are plenty of other walks of life where people can end up trying to squeeze into holes that don’t fit them. Some parents just aren’t cut out to stay home all day with the kids. Some managers are great organisers but aren’t leaders of people. Some people are really happy working alone, others need lots of social interaction.

Here’s my point: don’t flog a dead horse. I’m all for people learning to adapt their behaviour when it’s helpful to do so – as you know – but this isn’t about behaviour. This is about a much deeper part of our inherent personality, and you won’t change it. So don’t ask square people in round holes to become rounder, because they can’t. Whether it’s your child who will never be a natural at learning languages, or your partner who can’t be happy if they give up work for the next 18 years, or your team member who gets bored with routine work, or your non-conformist friend who hates working in big institutions, their options are to be unhappy or to find themselves a nice square hole to hang out in.

Some people spend decades trying to escape from round holes. Some never manage it. But the only solution that works is to change the hole, because a square peg will always be a square peg. You need to recognise when the people around you are stuck in the wrong holes. Maybe your child could do well in German or Mandarin if they put in a bit of effort, but maybe languages will never be their thing. Perhaps your partner could be content staying at home with the kids if they had time for a hobby on the side, but perhaps they can’t be happy without a proper job. Listen to them properly, and talk it through, and be open to the possibility that they simply don’t fit where they are.

So resist the temptation to ask your square partner, child, colleague or friend to change shape, and accept that it’s not in their power. Then you can support them in the search for a nice square hole to snuggle into.