Following on from the last Rule, many people have a sense that somehow feelings don’t count unless there’s a good rational ‘reason’ for them. I’m not sure where this comes from, and it seems to be more prevalent in some cultures than others. But it does help the last Rule to make sense.

You and I – here on this page – we know perfectly well that feelings are what they are and we don’t have to be able to justify them. But out there in the real world almost everyone – you and me included – can sometimes feel embarrassed or ashamed or shy or insecure about admitting how we feel. As though we have made a rational choice to feel that way and are therefore responsible for it. Yes, you can sometimes choose how to feel, but it takes practice; it usually takes time to change a particular response, and it doesn’t always work anyway. The stronger the feeling, the harder it gets.

When you’re dealing with other people, it can sometimes be difficult to help them because they don’t tell you what they’re feeling. Often the reason for this is precisely what I’m talking about – they feel embarrassed to tell you how they feel in case you think they’re being silly or stupid or unreasonable or illogical or over-reacting. In fact, the sillier someone says they feel they are being, the more genuine the hurt usually is – and the more you can probably help. So you need to let them know that you won’t judge their emotions.

As with the last Rule, you can let the other person know that you expect them to respond emotionally (i.e. you’re telling them that’s normal and nothing to be ashamed of). Just ask them, depending on the situation, ‘Are you angry?’ or ‘Do you feel hurt?’ or whatever. The fact that you’ve asked tells them it’s OK to say yes, they do. You’re clearly assuming this is a reasonable response.

This can be the spur that enables them to open up to you and let you help them. Once they know they won’t be judged, they can speak freely. And talking about things with someone who is prepared to listen without judgement is, for many people, the road to resolving them – whether it’s about finding solutions, or simply about getting it off their chest.

By the way, you also need to guard against any remarks that give the opposite impression. If someone tells you they’re worried and you reply, ‘Don’t be’, you might think you’re reassuring them, but what they hear is that their feeling is somehow not permitted. When you tell someone ‘Don’t cry’, they hear, ‘This doesn’t warrant crying’. When people are in any kind of emotional state, they feel shakier. So they could easily interpret your ‘Don’t worry’ as dismissive rather than reassuring.

Other people’s emotions can be like small nervous kittens. They’re not going to come out from under the sofa unless you coax them carefully and let them know you’re on their side.