Sometimes people want practical help – a lift because their car has broken down, a brief loan of your phone because theirs is out of charge, advice on putting together a CV because you’ve got way more experience than them. That’s fine, because it’s a pragmatic need that you can supply. Once you’ve done what they ask, the problem is resolved. Well done, and give yourself a pat on the back for being a good citizen, neighbour, friend.

However, once emotions come into play, it’s a different matter. You can’t fix other people’s emotions and that’s not your job. When someone is upset or angry or worried or scared, they need to sort out the feelings inside their head, and you can’t do that for them. They’re talking to you about it because they want a sounding board, not a solution.

It took my wife years to get this through to me, because my natural instinct when someone brings me a problem is to try to solve it. As she pointed out, in clear and unambiguous terms, that can be quite patronising. The implication is that she can’t solve her own problems for herself. If she wants to borrow a screwdriver, or ask for a lift, she’ll say so (she points out). She doesn’t – I gather – appreciate help she never asked for.

I have to admit, it turns out my wife is not alone here. After hearing many other people moaning about their partners not listening to them, I have come to realise that she’s quite right. And the clue is right there – ‘not listening’ to them. You see, the moment you start trying to fix someone’s problem for them, you stop listening to it.

They have come to you to get things off their chest, perhaps to validate their feelings (as in the last couple of Rules), and maybe to help them find clarity by talking things over. Unless they actually asked you to help, they probably don’t want you to. They just want you to listen. So sit on your hands, bite your tongue, repress your urge to do something. You are already doing something. You’re listening. That’s a thing, and you’re doing it. It’s enough.

The other person may reach a point, if you do your listening well, where they’re ready to start looking for solutions. Or not, because they might already know what they’re going to do, and they just wanted to talk it through first. If you sense that maybe they will actually welcome suggestions from you, you can always check. ‘Are you looking for ideas, or do you just need to get it off your chest?’ Indeed my recommendation, especially in relationships, is always to ask this question. That would be my wife’s advice too. Apparently.