Yes, ironically I am advising you – strongly – never to give advice. But this is different because you chose to buy this book, read it, consider its contents. And I’ll never know, if you don’t tell me, whether you’ve followed my advice or not.

When it comes to friends, colleagues, family, or anyone else you know personally, however, just don’t give advice. Again, I’m not talking practical stuff (do these shoes go with my outfit, what can I cook for dinner tonight, what font would you use for this report?) You can answer those safely – if you know the answer. It’s the stuff with an emotional angle you want to keep out of. Listen, sympathise, support, but don’t advise.

Yes, even if they ask you: Should I just tell my boss where to get off? Is it time to move my mum into a nursing home? I’m thinking of applying for a new job – what do you think?

Why? Because you have no idea what will work for someone else. Not necessarily the same things that work for you, I can tell you that. So how can you be sure it’s even the right advice? Also, because people need to arrive at their own decisions in order to feel committed to them and to have the confidence to see them through. So you’ve deprived them of a vital stage in the decision-making process if you tell them what to do. And because if you answer their question, you’ve cut to the end point, but actually it’s essential for them to go through the process of thinking it through, weighing up the options, considering all the arguments.

And hey, what if you’re wrong? What if they tell the boss how they really feel, and get taken off the team? Or put their mum in a nursing home and feel guilty about it for evermore? Maybe you weren’t even wrong. Maybe your advice really was the best thing on paper, but they might still regret it, and/or blame it on you.

Set against all this the arguments in favour of giving advice: hmmm … Can’t think of any of those, unless perhaps it makes you feel good. But we’re trying to help other people here, so arguments about what it does for you aren’t relevant. What’s the case from their perspective of being given advice? Even if they think they want it, how can it really be in their best interest?

Take into account that you’re simply wasting your breath giving advice that won’t be heeded. Suppose your friend is with an abusive partner. Do you think they don’t know they should leave? You telling them so will just make them feel more useless when they can’t do it. It won’t help them leave – you’ll just be one more person trying to control them. They need support, not instructions they can’t follow.

So what are you supposed to do, especially when someone asks directly for advice? The answer is to respond with questions, and help them find the right answer for themselves. How would you feel if … ? Suppose that … ? Keep thinking of options – without recommending them – and help them think through the ramifications and how they would feel in each case. Then you’ll have really helped.