There’s a popular feeling these days that ‘it’s good to talk’. That the stiff upper lip approach of the past is unhealthy, and we all need to open up about our feelings more, air them, discuss them, get them out in the open.

Well, surprise, surprise, you can go too far in that direction too. It’s true that being unable to talk about things can be damaging and perpetuate unhappiness, but it doesn’t automatically follow that everyone must therefore talk about their feelings all the time. In fact, that has its downside too. Life is there to be lived, not to be analysed incessantly, and the happiest people I know don’t focus on their feelings except in occasional times of hardship. Mostly they focus on other people, and on getting on with their day, week, year. Too much introspection can make you needy and self-centred.

Look, as with all things, you need balance, moderation. The logical opposite of not being able to discuss your feelings isn’t having to discuss your feelings. It is being able to discuss them. That’s a very different thing.

It’s certainly important that we feel we can talk through problems, sadness, worries, fears, unhappiness, anger, grief, depression – if we want to. But we don’t have to want to. And one of the most frustrating things if you’re in an emotional swamp is other people putting pressure on you to talk. So please don’t do this to people. Not everyone feels better for talking about everything to everyone all the time. They might feel better for talking to someone at some point, but it might not be you and it might not be now.

Some people know that talking isn’t going to help right now – and maybe not at any point. Maybe they have to work through something. Maybe they have an answer and just need to steel themselves to do it – talking won’t achieve anything. Maybe they don’t want to think about it, and talking will focus them more, not less.

Denial is hugely underrated as an emotional state. I’ve heard people say, ‘You’ve got to face up to it’, but actually if someone doesn’t want to face up to something, why should they? The unconscious mind usually goes into denial for a very good reason – because facing up to the reality is too hard to bear. Their denial is a safety net and if you take it away – or try to force them to remove it – you leave them more vulnerable than before. The opposite of what you were trying to achieve. Of course, there are a few people who stay in this state beyond the point where it’s helping them, but if they do need help it will be professional help, not yours or mine. Usually denial is a valuable and important emotional buffer, and one it’s very unwise to try to dismantle in someone else.

Think back to the bad times you’ve gone through. I’ll bet there were times you wanted to talk and times you didn’t. Friends you felt like opening up to and friends you didn’t. I’ve had people say to me, ‘You’ll feel better if you talk’ when I know I won’t. It makes me think, ‘I’ll feel better if I thump you but maybe let’s not do either’.

The thing that can be the most help of all, in fact, is to let someone who doesn’t want to talk know that you won’t encourage them to. Sometimes, if someone is going through a crisis, the most helpful thing you can say is, ‘I’m happy to talk if you want to, but I won’t mention the subject unless you bring it up first’. That way they can relax around you, knowing they won’t be under any pressure.