A teacher friend of mine tells me it can be really hard getting through to a student that they’re studying the wrong subject if they want good grades – this subject just isn’t their forté and they’re not going to do well in it. Sometimes, she tells me, she has to be quite brutal just to get them to listen to what she’s saying.

The fact is that people are programmed to pick out the things that they want to hear, and ignore the things they don’t – programmed to such a degree they’re unaware they’re doing it. But if you want to get people on your side, and get their co-operation, you need to understand that if they don’t want to hear something, it will take a lot more effort from you to get your point across.

It’s human nature – no use getting frustrated by it. You just need to take it into account. Whether you’re telling your boss that the report you’re working on can’t be completed to their deadline, or telling your sister that you can’t all go on holiday together as one huge family, have your antennae tuned to whether they’ve really taken on board what you’re saying. If you suspect they haven’t – if they’re arguing with the facts, or still talking just as they were before you put them straight – explain it more clearly (‘The next data drop isn’t until the twenty-second of the month, which means we can’t start crunching the numbers until then’) and, if they still don’t seem convinced, ask them questions (‘Can we guesstimate the figures so we don’t need the latest data?’). Questions will force them to think about the problem, so it makes them engage with the problem they’re sidestepping.

And don’t blither about. Make your words concise, clear, specific, blunt. Don’t tell your boss, ‘The problem is that, well, you know, it’s looking tricky for the end of the month. I mean, the data drop is very close to the deadline, and it’s a lot of work, so … hard to see how we can get it done in time.’ Nope, you have to say, ‘I’m afraid the report won’t be done for the end of the month. I can get it to you on fifth of next month.’ Put it in writing too if you can.

And why don’t they want to hear it anyway? Does it make extra work for them? Or will they have to break unpleasant news to someone else? Or it means they can’t have the outcome they wanted? Or it messes up their plans? Or it involves change and they don’t like change? If you can identify their mental block, it’s obviously going to make it easier to overcome. At the very least, it will help get your point across: ‘I know it feels as if we’re letting Mum down, but we simply can’t afford a holiday this year.’

Listen, you need to get through to this person sooner rather than later. If your boss just isn’t going to have that report by the end of the month, or there’s no way to have a big family holiday this year, you need to get this across. The longer it takes for them to grasp it, the worse it will be all round. And the other person will say things like, ‘I know you said it was difficult, but I didn’t realise it was impossible …’ or ‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner?’ and you’ll want to tear your hair out because you did tell them sooner. Only they didn’t hear it.

Oh, and before you ask, yes, this does apply to you as well. You hear what you want to hear too. Never hurts to be aware of it.