This is how almost all bullies work. They belittle other people and do their best to turn them into victims. Why? Because a victim is submissive to their aggressor – or, to put it another way, the aggressor is dominant. Bigger, more powerful, more in control. This is the feeling that the bully wants. And why do they want it? Because deep down inside, they feel powerless. Maybe someone else is dominating them, maybe their life feels out of their control, maybe they’re secretly scared.

Not only can they feel bigger by making someone else feel smaller, often they also gain (or feel they gain) the respect and admiration of their acolytes – who in fact often surround them in an attempt to avoid being bullied themselves.

People are complicated things. Of course, nothing justifies bullying. But you can sympathise with the reasons behind it without having to condone the bully’s way of dealing with them. And although it doesn’t make it all alright if you are on the receiving end – or someone you love is – it often helps if you understand where the bully is coming from. And it can help you feel less intimidated if you can see the bully as they see themselves: weak, powerless, victimised.

Obviously this realisation doesn’t stop the bullying, it doesn’t make everything OK, it doesn’t mean the problem goes away. But it can make it a bit less unbearable, knowing that the process isn’t even making the bully happy – it’s just a symptom of their general unhappiness.

I’ve encountered a lot of bullies over the years, but I can’t recall a truly happy one. The really happy, confident, self-assured, relaxed people I know never bully anyone. Why would they need to? There’d be nothing in it for them.

Sometimes, understanding why someone bullies can be what it takes to resolve things. It’s very hard for the person on the receiving end to do this, although not impossible. However, good schools have a high success rate, and a good manager or parent can often sort out such problems in their team or their family. The key is to listen to the bully, find out what is making them feel powerless, and help resolve it. It seems counter-intuitive to help someone who is behaving so badly, but if it makes things better for everyone, it has to make sense. Besides, the bullies often really need help, and we mustn’t be blinded by our anger or hurt at their badly chosen approach to helping themselves. No one thinks, ‘I’m going to try bullying people – that might make me feel better’. It’s an instinctive thing they haven’t thought through, and most bullies don’t recognise that description of themselves. Obviously – because they see themselves as powerless and victimised, and that’s not their idea of a bully.