Accepting people as they are—not asking them to change—is the most important aspect of cultivating positive relationships. In fact, this is the most important chapter in the book. This chapter can change your life.

Dr. William E. Hall defined a “life theme” as a pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that is persistent over time. Every time you describe someone, you are naming themes: cheerful, thoughtful, lazy, organized, courageous—get the picture? These descriptions help us predict the behaviors we are likely to observe in others.

If you want to understand just how persistent themes are, think about your most recent school reunion (or some similar event). Did not you see the same themes you saw when you knew those people years ago? The class clown is still the class clown. The gossips still gossip. The introverts are still quiet. Themes persist over time and are particularly resistant to change.

Despite the fact that people tend not to change, we are quite cavalier about asking people to change anyway. We do this all the time in performance evaluations and in 360 feedback. Do any of these examples sound familiar?

1. Do not be so sensitive.
2. You need to be more organized.
3. You need to be more detail oriented.
4. You do not demonstrate a sense of urgency.
5. You are late to meetings all the time. This has to change.
6. You need to be more assertive.
7. You are too much of a perfectionist.

We drastically underestimate how difficult it is to change these deeply ingrained patterns.

Everyone you know has people in their lives who are trying to help them improve. But they are doing it by focusing on eliminating flaws and remediating weaknesses. Everyone has plenty of help on that agenda. You have the opportunity to be one of the few people who focus on what is right about a person rather than what is wrong.

Of course this applies not only to your personal relationships, but also to your professional ones, and particularly to your relationships with the people you manage.