Chapter 8
Don't Make Relationship Conflicts Worse
Relationship problems exist in every organization. Cultivating positive relationships with your people does not happen in a vacuum, and it does not make conflict go away completely (but it can reduce conflict because it proactively addresses some of its root causes). Research suggests that 64 percent of people wish they could talk about problems with colleagues “often” or “all the time” in one-on-one conversations with their managers. Fortunately, only about 8 percent actually do).1 Don't get sucked into this. It perpetuates negativity and undermines positive relationships.
Does this story sound familiar?
The most glaring problem with this approach is that it does more harm than good. There is a lot of finger pointing, and all the focus on the problem magnifies the negativity. When the meeting is over, everyone feels worse, and the relationship is not any better. Most people in this situation are completely unconscious of this reality. They just keep doing it.
As a manager, if you are mediating relationships in this way, you are enabling employees to avoid speaking directly to each other about their issues. You are allowing them to transfer to you the responsibility of solving their interpersonal problems. You can make a different choice. You can stop investing time mediating relationships.
This kind of interpersonal conflict can and should become a coaching opportunity, focused on helping your people solve their own problems. You can insist that they speak directly to each other, without third parties involved. If they need help with strategies for having those difficult conversations, you can help them. But don't do it for them.
That is a win/win/win strategy.
We mentioned that this should become a coaching opportunity. You will inevitably find people who have no idea how to go about solving interpersonal conflicts with colleagues. You can help by coaching them on building trust. If you struggle with managing conflict yourself, this next section can help you and the people you manage develop some positive strategies.
Trust and Conflict—You Can Take the First Step
Conflict is inevitable, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with it because not every situation involves the same variables. The people on both sides of a conflict might have different strengths (and weaknesses) in working through the situation, and they might have different preferred approaches. Their intent might differ. They might seek different goals. The conflict itself might have a different meaning to each person. There is, however, one variable that has the greatest impact on the situation: your relationship with the other person.
The higher the level of mutual trust, the easier it is to agree on a constructive solution. Conflicts are most easily resolved among genuine friends. But if you doubt the other person's motives, trust is definitely low. If you do not know each other well, trust might be low. When trust is low, we are frequently mistaken in our assumptions about the other person's intent.
Think about this hypothetical situation that, sadly, is all too common. Suppose you have to work with someone you believe (perhaps for very good reasons) intentionally does things to undermine you. Trust is low. In the normal course of business, he calls a meeting and does not include you, even though you clearly should have been invited. Before reading further, take a moment to answer the following questions:
- How does that make you feel?
- How will you respond?
Now, alter that hypothetical slightly. Suppose a close friend at work calls a meeting and does not include you, even though you clearly should have been invited.
- How does that make you feel?
- How will you respond?
There is a good chance that your answers for the first hypothetical were very different from your answers for the second one.
In the first hypothetical, you might be upset or even angry. Depending on your style, you might confront that person in an adversarial manner. Or you might not discuss it directly with the person but instead discuss it with others, as more evidence that this person is trying to undermine you. Neither response is constructive.
In the second hypothetical you might be somewhat upset, but your response would not be adversarial, and you certainly would not badmouth your close friend. You would be more likely to have a nonconfrontational conversation about why you were not invited, and you might even start from the assumption that it was an oversight. Your response would be constructive.
When trust is low, we automatically attribute bad motives. When trust is high we refuse to believe that bad motives account for the behavior. But your assumptions about a person's motives might be mistaken. It is almost always constructive to ask why the person behaved as he or she did…if you ask the way you would ask your close friend.
As Stephen R. Covey said, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” You want to get better at resolving conflict? Cultivate your active listening skills. Through active listening, you will discover the other person's perspectives and concerns about the situation, which sets the stage for constructive resolution. You will be surprised at how frequently you discover your assumptions about the other's intent were wrong.
Furthermore, you must be open and honest about your intent, your goals, and your concerns. As best-selling author Dr. Dan Baker taught me, high mutual disclosure builds trust.
In the case of being excluded from a meeting, for example, start with the assumption that it was an oversight (even if you do not believe it!) and choose your behavior based on that assumption. We are not suggesting that this strategy is easy to implement. It is difficult because…well…you do not trust that person. It involves risk, and it requires you to be the bigger person.
The final point about resolving conflict is challenging for many people.
Sometimes the best move to resolve a conflict is to apologize even when you did not do anything wrong. If you can let go of your need to be right, you will be amazed at how many conflicts are rapidly resolved.
A friend, Carol Ott Schacht, sums up this strategy quite eloquently: “Love 'em to goodness.”