It’s important to help people who need it, for two overriding reasons in particular. The first is the glaringly obvious one that – well, they need it. And the other is that helping other people makes you feel good about yourself.⁹ So ideally you should help out wherever help is wanted, and everyone’s a winner.

Hang on a minute though. This works fine if you’re carrying someone’s heavy shopping, or giving a stranger directions, or cooking dinner for your exhausted partner, or photocopying a colleague’s report, or saving a bird with an injured wing. But suppose your friend is struggling with grief, or one of your family has been diagnosed bipolar, or your colleague’s marriage is falling apart?

Any one – or more – of these scenarios might seem pretty straightforward to you, and indeed you might be perfectly equipped to help. Then again, your colleague might have turned to you because you know what it’s like after your own marriage fell apart a few months ago. Maybe you could bring great insight as a result. But can you cope with picking over someone else’s marriage when your own experience is so raw? Might it re-open recent wounds and be simply too painful for you?

People often ask for support from someone who has been through a similar experience. It makes logical sense, and frequently we’re more than happy to pass on anything we’ve learnt. We feel we can make a real difference, and often we can. But look at the other examples I just gave. Your friend who is grieving, the bipolar relative – you could be the best person to turn to from their perspective, but from your own viewpoint it might seem like the worst idea ever.

And you have to protect yourself, you really do. Because if you are overcome by emotion, you’ll be very little use to the other person. They need you to be strong, and they also need to be able to focus on themselves for a bit, and not have to worry about how they’re affecting you.

Actually, in some cases, it’s not so much your own past that is the problem but the person themselves. For example, spending a lot of time around someone struggling with alcohol dependency or severe depression or other mental health issues might bring you right down. Up to a point it goes with the territory when you help someone else, but there’s a line – only you know where it is – beyond which it can damage you significantly.

You have to make sure you are in a fit state to help, and to get on with the rest of your life. If necessary, you might even have to make your apologies and explain this is just too raw right now. You may still be able to help in other more practical ways rather than listening. However, perhaps just limiting the time you spend together or controlling the circumstances might do it for you. If your life is deeply interwoven with the other person, you’ll need to find ways to get the oxygen you need without abandoning them – long walks, seeing friends, joining a local amdram society or sports club. The important thing is that you recognise the importance of being emotionally capable yourself in order to be of real help.