Think about it. I don’t know if you’re the type who almost never gets riled, or the type who likes to let off steam several times a week. But either way, what is it that makes you raise your voice at someone? Or let’s put it another way – why does your instinct tell you that speaking softly isn’t going to get the result you want?

I’ll bet that almost every time, it’s because you feel the other person won’t hear you unless you shout. I don’t necessarily mean that literally. I mean they won’t fully take on board what you’re saying unless you force them to listen by making it impossible for them not to. I’m not here to judge whether you’re right, or whether you’re justified (not least because I’m not above shouting myself occasionally, although I usually regret it afterwards – not always, but usually).

So now turn it around and think about when other people shout at you. It’s not very nice being shouted at, and when it happens to me I generally want to make it stop as quickly as possible. And the way to make that happen is to listen, and to show that you’re listening. That’s what the shouty person wants, so it stands to reason that the way to make them stop shouting is to give it to them.

Suppose you’re taking something faulty back to the shop you bought it from. The shop assistant doesn’t grasp the problem, doesn’t acknowledge that it needs fixing, doesn’t recognise their responsibility to fix it or replace it. They are going through stock replies which aren’t relevant, and they’re clearly not listening. Feel like shouting? Of course you do.²¹

Now repeat the scenario in your head, but this time the shop assistant is listening closely to what you’re saying, and asking intelligent, relevant questions. Still feel like shouting? No, of course not. You don’t need to – they’ve clearly listened and you’re getting what you need without having to shout.

Shouty people are frustrated people who feel they’re not being heard. It’s a good rule of thumb that any time someone raises their voice to you, they think you’re not listening. If they’re right, it’s a clue that you need to hear them out fully. If they’re wrong, and you really are listening, it’s still a reliable gauge that you need to show you are. You know – don’t interrupt them, repeat back the main points they’re making, nod, show you’ve grasped their emotion as well as their words.

It follows from this, incidentally, that some people get shouted at more than others. Good listeners – who show they’re listening – don’t get shouted at nearly so often as people who interrupt, jump to conclusions, plough their own path regardless of what other people say, and are closed to other people. Which is fair enough, really.