Are you prone to feeling guilty? Or just to feeling there are some things you ‘ought’ to do? If so, you’re easy prey for emotional blackmailers. These people are especially tricky to handle because they can manipulate your emotions and leave you with a Hobson’s choice between doing something you don’t want to, or feeling bad about not doing it. The only person who can come out of this the winner is the other person – if you capitulate.

I’ve known some otherwise lovely people who were prone to emotional blackmail. That makes it harder in fact – you care about them and want them to be happy. Which makes it more likely you’ll give in to them. Listen, people who use emotional blackmail are genuinely needy – just not for the things they’re trying to pressure you into doing. They often feel insecure or out of control, or they feel such a strong need for love or commitment from you that they’ll try to force you to display it. Which really doesn’t count, but somewhere in their mind it’s better than risking its total absence.

They are trying to control you in order to get what they want. That’s the bottom line. It might be a work colleague trying to get you to complete a report for them, or it might be your partner trying to make you stay with them by threatening suicide if you leave. In other words, the request – and your investment in the relationship – can be big or small.

I’ve known several parents who use emotional blackmail towards their children – ‘I worked so hard to cook your dinner, I’ll be sad if you don’t eat it all up.’ If you want your child to finish their food, either explain why it’s sensible, or tell them that if they don’t there’ll be some kind of sanction. Or give them less of it. Or don’t make them finish it. All those options are fine – emotional blackmail is not. Many parents keep it going long after their children have left home – ‘You will visit, won’t you? It’s so lonely when no one calls round.’

Emotional blackmailers are trying to make you take responsibility for their emotional well-being. And they’re trying to do it by taking over your emotions in some kind of warped swap. But of course the only emotions they’re really interested in are your sense of fear or guilt – or at least of obligation. These are the weapons they use to control you.

If you are in any way susceptible to this – and just about everyone is at least sometimes, or with some people – you need to understand that the more these people are successful in their blackmailing, the harder they will find it to stop, or to take control of their own emotions. So by giving in, you may be providing their short-term need, but you’re helping to perpetuate their long-term problem.²³

Have the courage to say no. You can say it kindly but be firm. You can even say, ‘Are you emotionally blackmailing me?’. That often makes them back off. If you are in a family relationship with an emotional blackmailer who seriously threatens you, you may need to remove yourself completely. The most important thing, regardless of the severity of the situation, is for you to recognise that you are being blackmailed and put boundaries around yourself. Refuse to take responsibility for other people’s emotional well-being. Paradoxically, by forcing them to take responsibility for it, you’ll be helping their emotional health. (But you won’t be responsible for it.)